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Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Stuffed

                                                                                         Mood:Full




Elliptical is up..
I felt better this morning, the tingly feeling from dehydration is gone. I lost a lot of sleep drinking water throughout the night but it was worth it to wake up feeling normal again.
Last night kept food down. I think all those calories and fat in me did me some good because I'm not cold at all today. I can walk around sweater free like all he masses. Makes me smile.
Up bright and early we're off to purchase the Elliptical, also more eating..



Kept this down too.
My husband kept nagging me until I ate something so I caved.
"Try not to throw up so much, eat something even if it's small." he pleads.
I don't really want to but I figure since I'll be working out again, I guess I can afford a little weight setback. A gain?
I eat and try not to go silently crazy doing so. Slow so slow, the food is broken up into the tiniest of pieces and consumed. I savor every bit of it, who knows when I'll do this again, should enjoy it.
 Husband is really sick today and in called at work. A stomach virus or flu. He's running a fever on and off and refuses to take even Aspirin. Some people are a nuisance when they are ill, he's one of these people. I like to baby someone when they are sick, it's one of the few times you'll actually see a dare I say tender side to me? I think when you're sick attention is the best medicine. So I give it when it's needed. I mother.
He on the other hand is one of those people who bitch and complain when they are sick, nothing I do is desired. They'd like nothing more than to lie in a ditch of self pity.
Triggering when all of your best efforts go to waste.
"I'm dizzy from all this driving around, just want to go home already." he rolls his eyes.
I was eating a cookie and suddenly stop tossing it out the window. What I wouldn't give to throw up all this shit I've just stupidly eaten. Why am I trying to please anyone?
The store is empty and the purchase is fast.
 We managed to get the huge heavy Elliptical box home and my husband fell asleep suddenly on the couch. I started to eat a salad intending to keep it down, I was hungry. The urge to purge, it was too much for me and so I did.
Picked up my daughter from school afterwards and went to get things for dinner, and to binge on again..
In the supermarket and I have no idea what to buy, so I shop for things to make soup from scratch. Husband has a lot of assembling to do, he'll need his strength. I pick up more salad and dressing because that's all I feel like eating at the moment. There's a liquor store by the market and I go inside and buy something. I haven't been in a liquor store like this since 2006, the year I first separated from my husband. That awful year that stole so much from me. I used to drink a lot then, a lot. The inside of a liquor store was nothing new to me. Neither was the Brandy, my painkiller at that time, that and Zoloft. A funny combination with weed to boot.
There was nothing that could numb my pain back then, I think back to how heartbroken I was, what did love feel like then? I was in love once?
I'm forgetting many things. I guess if you don't use it, its true that you do lose it.
I don't know how to love a man, or how to eat food like everyone else anymore. Will I ever again, only time will tell.
I'm making a seafood chowder for my husband and even bought him a bottle of Brandy to help flush out the flu, sometimes booze help.
It was a sort of bribe too so he'd look the other way while I b/p.
The machine is put together finally and I'm excited to start a routine again. Tomorrow I will workout until aches upon aches occur. I want to feel sore in new places. I want things to feel tight where I never knew they could before.

I think the purging today was not the best idea, the minute it was over the sharp chest pains started up again. Looks like I'm still dehydrated, my odd menstruation is still on, light so light I forget its there. My kidneys ache, so much so that I've bought Cranberry pills to help with any infection that may be trying to start up. I feel full, heavy. I think my body is taking it's sweet time digesting all of this. I can't really blame it, it has no idea what the hell to do.
Food? Digestion abort! Purge purge!
Never mind she wants to keep this, hmm Digestion; where is the instruction manual? (blows dust off manual) Someone put the coffee on, it's going to be a long night.
 I'm drinking more water now and still feel like b/p but I don't, instead
 I went ahead and fixed another salad, this one I keep down.



I figure if I'm going to binge it should just be healthy things only so I won't feel so bad about keeping it down.   I'm liking this idea, the healthy eating bit. This eating lately is all part of my weight loss pattern. It's the only way my body can lose any kind of weight.
Today is the last day of this. Two days of eating, the other five days nothing.
I haven't even weighed and I'm not going to, I know its up but indefinite. Fluctuates and goes back down. I need to let this food process and see what the damage really is from two days of actual food inside me. If I'm ever to try to maintain or get back to restricting this has to be the way. I'm just glad I can finally workout again, means b/p could be less, I can start counting calories again.
God I feel so full, like I've put on ten pounds overnight, I know that's not really the case but its so triggering. How do people do this everyday, eat.
I try to think back and remember food and eating and the feeling, I can't. I've forgotten what that is like. I'm used to living this way now. The empty feeling inside me is soothing. Not this, this feels like torture.
This feels wrong.
All I can do now is take deep breaths and drink more water. Take a day off from all this pressure I feel at times to keep losing. It's not a race, there shouldn't be a time limit either, a set date. I should just take it easy one day at a time.
It's okay Lou, okay to lose at a leisurely pace. There is more time than life.
Tomorrow have so many things to do in the AM, glad I ate means I'll have energy to get things done. 
I wanted to drink even, had some sips of wine and threw out the rest. Not much room left in that stomach of mines.
Stuffed as it is, let's try not to push it.
Off to bed now and hopefully get something digested further.

3 comments:

unbeautiful said...

It's good that you left some food in your body. I'm sure it is very happy to have it. It may be hard but it's what your body needs.
I'm glad you got your elliptical. I used to use my dad's when I lived with my parents. It was a good workout. I loved going on there even though I barely burned anything. 0.o
Keep going Lou, towards wherever you want to go. You can do whatever you put your heart into. I wish that eventually, you'll turn it into full recovery from eating disorders but it's okay if you're not there yet. Keep pushing on. Stay strong.
Thanks for the comment on my blog. I'll try to keep that in mind. Maybe take your own adive? I know I need to do that too.

small said...

I'm so happy you got the elliptical and that your husband was willing to get it put together right away. I know having it there will make you feel more secure. Ellipticals burn far more cals than treadmills; I hope you can make the transition to eating more regularly and keeping it down. You are right, it is not a race; this is your life and there is time, be gentle with yourself and good to yourself. You are the best friend you've got, remember that. :hug:

wj89 said...

My boyfriend is like that, too. He always pretends to be sick when I'm sick. He always makes me take care of him. I really hate him.