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Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Recap

                                                                                        Mood:Tingly





Major Mood Swing Sunday.
I blew up on my husband and we ended up on non speaking terms all day. I can't help those things, you'd think he would finally get it?
Monday morning the frustrations and silent treatment continue. He is asleep and not getting up. We are suppose to go car shopping today and track down the repair man's store, so childish. I call the repair man again, no answer. I leave messages and call of the numbers listed, nothing.
Pissed and nothing left to do but binge. That's all I feel like I can do in that moment. After I purge, shower again and dress. I wake my husband up and demand he take me to the repair shop. He gets up rather quickly and dresses. He doesn't even look at me. More triggering.
In the car now and its cold out, well cold for me anyways. I feel sick. 102lbs and the nausea is too much. My period has come on, or something like a period?
Incredibly light flow, and today why? Its not time yet.
Could it be just bleeding? I have bad cramps like a period, bitchy for sure. We'll see how this plays out.
The location is in a part of town where Northwest and West cross lines oddly and if you have no idea where you're going can get lost, and so we do. Lost and not talking to one another are not the two greatest combinations. Finally he's had enough and pulls the car over on the freeway's shoulder.
"Look I need to get this off my chest already, I'm in no condition to head to some store and bitch at some guy. I'm not as mad as you are." he begins to say.
We're not going over to bitch at anyone, there has to be a manager or someone who will help us. His boss or something. I just want the thing fixed or the parts returned that's all. No fighting.
"The things you say to me sometimes make me not want to talk to you ever again, you hurt my feelings. I don't want the baby to hear you talk to me like that. I don't understand why you get so mean suddenly?" he wants answers.
Why I'm so pissed, as if you have to ask. Look every time I look at you I can't help but loathe you. You cheated on me, you broke my heart and my trust. How can I get over that when you lied about having an affair over and over, you made me think I was going crazy that I imagined the entire thing. You made me think the marriage ending was my fault. Finally you confess and its like it just happened all over again. I never got a chance to process it the first time, now again?
I go over every little detail in my head from before and I see how slick you were, how clever!
I feel stupid. I am stupid. Now look at me, look at how broken I've become. I've become nothing more than a shrunken version of myself, all I do is hurt myself. I'm sorry but I blame you for it all. As for the baby, listen she may not hear it now but I will tell her what you did, she will know that I became this way because of your actions, I'm not crazy. You won't be a hero in her eyes forever, you have to be the bad guy too, I'm tired of being that.
He swallows loudly as if the truth was a mouthful, he looks like he just aged ten years before my eyes. Its a lot to hear and I can be harsh but he has to know. I can't sugarcoat things, I don't know how to do that. I'm the type of person who tells you where that burger comes from and what really happens to puppies at shelters. I'm not squishy.
"I'm sorry, I just wish I could change what I did. I can't and I'm sorry. I understand now. I get it.." he keeps nodding his head, understanding.
I hate the emotional part of me, the part that can't get her point across without crying at times. This is one of those moments, where I just can't hold it in anymore.
The drive now is better, the intense thing between us is out the window. We manage to talk calmly and put our heads together to find the odd location.
We end up on a stretch of road far away and full of warehouses. We start to get nervous but are still hopeful.
We pull into the very end of a line of ragged warehouses and there is nothing there. Nothing standing there but our disappointment and horror. Now I cry.
My stomach aches and for the first time in a long time I feel like I want to throw up, the kind of vomit that only comes from being sick. I almost do.
Could we have written the address wrong, is there another West?
We still hope and try to not believe what our own eyes are clearly showing. We've been taken. Or rather I have, because the only one truly affected by this is me. I'm the one who's had a month of no exercise, no treadmill. Now more bad news.
So there's nothing more to say. There's nothing that can be done. The bad guy won.
One more up the ass for Lou, I take so many up there I may need to start carrying some lube in my purse.
The car ride home is full of talking and anger, how awful it feels to be robbed. What is wrong with people?
I get home and the walk upstairs feels so long and sad. I feel awful, I can't wait to b/p.
On my doorstep a package..
The very beautiful Small has sent me something and it puts a smile on my face, I think the first smile I've had all day since I first woke.



So the change of momentary temperament has made me decide to Vlog. Hope it turned out okay?
I'll start doing some vids on the weekends and who knows maybe I'll do more of them on my You Tube Channel.
So after two b/p yesterday weight went down to 101.6lbs. I felt no different. Almost 100lbs and I feel no joy, can take no joy in it. It didn't help matters that my sister made a rather rude comment. She said that I shouldn't lose any more weight, "You look sick, you look like you have AIDS."
Wow.
In her defense, she was incredibly irate on account of her income tax return not arriving on time, she apologized and told me she was taking her anger and frustration out on me. I think my head's a bit big for my body but Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome I do not believe I have..
Later though after webcamming  and viewing the video blog, she continued to praise me, as we chatted I jokingly kept interrupting her asking Is my Aids showing?
I drank last night too, a lot!
I'm paying for it today, I am so dehydrated its scary.
I've kept down 1 cup of coffee, a pack of Keebler Elf cheese crackers (110cals) that was actually pretty tasty, they were these buttered crackers yum, and I've had a total of three bananas today too.
The tingly sensation is too overwhelming and so triggering. No car shopping today I'm too hungover and incapable of test driving anything. Instead off to Walmart to look at exercise equipment. So Treadmill or Elliptical?
I think I'm getting an Elliptical. I saw a nice one, not too big and in my price range. Spent some monies on other things too.
Wish I had room at my place for a fish tank..
How can you not one after seeing this.




So back at home and I feel no better, the tingly feeling is intensified. I b/p 2x. I was aiming for one but afterwards I had this incredibly awful something stuck in my throat feeling. I had to eat some ice cream to feel better. I kept thinking I was slowly choking.
The treadmill is gone, it's been taken down. The empty space where it once stood is deafening.



My dear treadmill that has helped me shed these pesky pounds. The thing that helped me fall in love with fitness and working out. Goodbye Old friend..
I'm drinking Gatorade and water to try to help this feeling pass. I feel so full!
If that wasn't enough, I've eaten a piece of chicken and a small bowl or brown rice. Bread, a piece of soft white cheese too and some fruit.
I'm not purging this. I need to have some food in me this week. I don't care right now how high my weight has surely fluctuated. My body is asking for this and I'm responding.
I've been purging too much and even though I tell myself the number is lower than usual, the real number of times should be zero. I'm not even trying as hard as before to stop entirely. I think I can start to ease up on myself now that I can workout again. I know the calories can be burned off, so it should feel safe again.
I have no idea how long this food will take to digest, will my stomach digest it even after all this time?
I hope I don't get sick, I've eaten slowly and in small bites and amounts. I didn't want it to turn into an accidental binge. Success, I'm still here and not bent over a toilet bowl.
I think this very light bleeding is my period after all because I am craving Pizza of all things. Not happening. I shudder thinking about bringing all that dough back up. So tomorrow what's in store, Elliptical purchase yay!
I hope zero b/p and to be trigger free.
Okay so I think that's it, blogs done.
 I'm watching a real sick ass movie right now..
I Spit on your Grave, if you haven't seen it, do!
Hope I don't have nightmares.

7 comments:

Almost.Skinny said...

I like the elliptical because it works your arms too! & its not as hard on your joints. However if I'm doing high intensity interval training I always go for the treadmill, I guess it depends what you do more? Personally I'd get the elliptical- have you ever tried it backwards? it's great for your legs!
I hope things with your other half calm down now you've got things more out in the open. You deserve better. MUCH better!
All the best trying to get rid of mia, when you get back to exercising it should definitely help :) you can do it!! xxx

Jenn said...

HAHA, I know your blog today wasn't REALLY meant to be funny. But that part about AIDS! HA

Thanks for sharing peanut. I love reading....

xo

Cora said...

Love, I'm so sorry things are bad right now, but they will get better. Please don't lose hope. At least there's an elliptical in your future, but maybe go light on the exercise for now? I just want you to be healthy. Please try to stay safe.

~Cora

Smallasapanda said...

I'm glad you got to get things off your chest and say what you really felt.
I would have been so shattered to not be getting the treadmill back. However, ellepticals are fantastic! I prefer them.

I love fishies! I have a tropical tank set up in my room, they die so easily though.

It's good you've managed to keep some food down, that's such a big step.

beskinny said...

lou - consider very carefully about what you tell your daughter about her father's actions. it can backfire horribly. she can end up resenting you instead. she needs to come to the conclusion on her own that her father is or is not a bad guy. to a little girl her daddy can do no wrong and if the mom tries to paint that picture askew she ends up resenting the mom for it. speaking from experience here :)

clytie said...

You've been through so much :[

You deserve happiness. I'm so sad that you feel no satisfaction seeing the low numbers. Please feel better.

clytie said...

You've been through so much :[

You deserve happiness. I'm so sad that you feel no satisfaction seeing the low numbers. Please feel better.