Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Be Still Grasshopper


First this Announcement:
I'm sorry he is so cute, I had to post this picture, also my husband bought him a collar already which happens to have a bandanna on it..I think he may be enjoying the idea of another penis in the house lol..


I'm sick today, my sinuses are incredibly swollen and my head is stuffy. I think Monday's kindergarten graduation and being locked in an auditorium with tons of kids did it. I caught someones something.

I'm at 111lbs,
I'm stuck. The Lexapro really did a number on me.
I guess it could be worse, that number could be 10lbs more or 20 even!
Its not, so I am grateful. I've been pretty happy these days and today is no exception.
I've taken my therapist advice to heart, I'm so blessed to be in both therapy and have such a great person I can confide in and trust.
She told me to "Be patient; something has to change, something will happen for you. Even when you do nothing, inevitably something comes along and changes.
Rushing things before you're ready to handle it will only end is disappointment."
She's right of course.
I'm rushing or trying to rush everything.
I want to move somewhere else, yet I have no job to support it all.
I want more time with my friend, yet I'm still living with another man.
I want to lose all this weight, yet I haven't completely toned and tightened what I currently have.
I want to stop the bulimia entirely yet I am not 100% on what that would really take to do so.
There are steps I have to take, things to be put in order first.
Patience indeed.
Exercising is starting to be fun again for me, lately it felt tedious and pushed. I'm getting comfortable with certain parts of my body. I don't feel so gross all of the time, some days I'm actually proud of how far I've gotten.
My hair is getting real thick again, all the protein I've been consuming lately. I think I can grow it out again.
My nails are getting stronger too, my skin clearing up, hardly any stress rashes these days. My arms are getting more defined and I'm even trying Yoga poses once in awhile.
I'm trying to go slow because that's the only pace I know; sounds like a bad country song but it's true.
The tables are turning, some people who were up are now coming down, my luck is slowly starting to get better. That's how life goes, everyone gets a day in the sun, my turn now.
I'm trying to stay positive because evoking that energy changes your surroundings. I'm all I have, can't go against myself, how will I get anywhere then?
I'm tired of depression and self loathing, takes so much out of me. I can only imagine how boring and repetitive my bad moods must be to other people. Seems like all that spews out of my mood is food this and pounds that. I want more than my eating disorder, I think I deserve it.
I don't care if its the last thing I do, but one day I will put this all behind me. I am more than this.
The job hunt continues tomorrow, I know if I can just get back out there then I may have an actual chance. Being alone at home all day with nothing more to do than b/p is no life. It's triggering to also be around so many negative people.
Sometimes I forget how competitive ED's can make you, how we all have two faces. It's like a team race, everyone running in unison to the same finish line, yet secretly deep down inside, some of us pick up our pace to be ahead of the other. I hate that part of the eating disorder. Makes having a true friendship almost impossible. In the end though, you have to look out for you, if you want anything done, you're the person to make it happen.
I can support your decisions, but I can't stop you from doing anything you truly want to do.
The insomnia is back, last night only three hours of sleep, the stuffy nose and cough kept me awake. The times I managed to fall asleep kept having strange dreams, motel rooms and cheap wine, affairs with both men and women?
Looks like my subconscious is lonely and missing my friend too perhaps.
My husband is actually staying home today, he's decided to "take care of me."
He and I haven't been arguing lately. He called the mechanic to confirm repairs on my car, looks like June will be a great month. I'm still going to try this 90/10% thing; I won't jump through any hoops for anyone. I think time apart and cooling off periods may make bonds stronger, if you can't reach me then you'll have time to miss me. Sometimes being too available doesn't give that person the opportunity to sort it all out. Space and time can be good things. Risks too.
I'm taking a Benadryl to see if I can feel better, which means I will finally be able to sleep thanks to a drowsey wonderland that will ensue after digestion.
I'm actually looking forward to one day where I can ignore everyone and everything and fall asleep, dead to the outside world.
I don't really want to deal with anyone today, I want ME time. I deserve a day off from friend, Mom and Sibling duties. No ED or exercising either for me.
Just rest Lou, the same problems and people will be there again tomorrow.
Be well everyone and safe too.
Let's go easy on ourselves today if we screw up any goals, try, try again tomorrow..


unbeautiful said...

Good post Lou. Seems like you are recognizing key things in the process to your recovery. I wish you good luck. Hope this insight continues to do you good.

Jenn said...

feel better friend. I'm liking your attitude today :-) hope it sticks.


Run said...

Kitty!!! Aww I want it lol.
I hope you feel better soon. :) xx

Ally said...

I wish i had a cat. don't worry everything's going to be alright.