Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Take that Empanada Man!

                                                                      Mood:Victory is mine!

Monday was incredibly boring, I slept in till noon and ran errands with my husband.
I made Baked Ziti and Chicken for dinner.

 I actually sat down and saw two complete movies back to back..
"Devil" and "Barney's Version", both very excellent I might add. I had shakes and a salad. At night a horrible headache came on in addition to a stomach ache, I called it an early night. This morning and I'm up at 5:45, the cats follow me to the bathroom where the scale still reads 111.4 today. I've mastered the art of maintaining, I eat enough to never gain and too little to lose. Some days I manage 500 calories, I'm trying, it's no easy task. I'm entertaining the idea of actually gaining weight for once, it may happen muscle weighs more than fat..
I will try not to jump out a window if that happens. I'm trying to trust what I see, and I'm hoarding compliments. A lot of people are liking this weight I'm at, I get noticed a lot more. I'm trying to find that thing that makes me love myself, I'm trying to find me again.
It won't be easy but so far the baby steps aren't that scary. I don't have that voice in my head since I haven't been b/p. That thing that makes me wanna lose lose lose!
It's like a going out of business sale-EVERYTHING (ALL FAT) MUST GO!
So far its been pretty quiet in my head, just the usual craving of Bulimia, but not much else. I know it's mostly in part out of habit-Binge, Purge, repeat. It's not because I'm hungry, I'm just bored and anxious, trying to find a way to numb myself, not feel, not deal.
I'm tired of it, I will beat this.
After I've weighed and brushed my teeth, supps are taken and I get to working out. I have a shake working on low in the blender, nice and creamy just the way I like it, this may actually be the reason why I get so full?
Its thick and condensed, icy and filling.
Today I see my therapist, our last session until next month.
A smile crosses my face as I think of a new fresh month, new possibilities and surprises.

Dear God, please send good things my way, I need more happy days, help me get better, I'm tired of suffering, I want to move on, I want a life again, help me Lord please...

My daughter is dropped off at school and my crush sneaks me a smile, he still gives me butterflies.
Its nice to be thought of and looked at, makes me hopeful of an actual normal existence one day where I don't worry about what I eat or don't eat, instead worry about what to wear on a date or what color paint on the walls or what will I do on my day off from work?
Life is waiting for me.
Home and a quick clean up followed by coffee, ah coffee my one treat. A cappuchino instant mix; French Vanilla creamer and splenda.
I don't care how many calories, I'll run around in circles in order for this treat to be possible. The hot drink is soothing, the feeling that this is a safe food is too.
At my Shrinks office and I'm not alone, my husband has been tagging along ever since I've been without a car. He mostly waits in the parked car across the street, he at least gives me that much. I would hate for him to be in the actual lobby waiting room seated next to me. Therapy and Tuesdays are for me, my time away from him, my space, the one day where I know I will feel good. I guess I just have to bide my time. He and I have been getting along these days. I hope it lasts.
My shrink arrives a few minutes late and we begin our session. She can see me for more than an hour today as someone has cancelled on her. I have her all to myself the rest of the afternoon.
The session begins by her telling me how good I look, and she is certain the Lexapro is officially out of my system, my bubbly mood is felt in the room. I feel positive.
Our talk turns serious at some point discussing my painful past, I cry and she is relieved.
"Open up, keep going."  She tells me in that soft accent of hers. I do keep going. I can't stop crying and it feels good hearing such reassurance, seeing someone nod their head and agree with my pain. Understand and comfort me.
I feel sad a little still now as I write this, because I'm so closed up, and I don't want to be. It felt good to talk, to unload this baggage.
She gives me tools to deal with things, she gives me new insight too. I'm thankful and hopeful that I can use them to heal.
"The healing process is long but worth it, you are going to get better and move on."
I believe her.
I think I'm rooting for myself too, Go Lou go!
The crying left me a little bit triggered after our session. This is the part where I would b/p to help cope with all this misplaced emotion, this abundance overload of feelings. I sit in the lobby and start to think about my next move. Do I really want to cave right now.
Wouldn't you comes trouble.
Ladies and Gentleman I introduce to you "Empanada Man."
There is this old man who comes everyday to this Mental health Center, from what I gather he is a retired man who still wants to make some money on the side. He does so by selling cooked food. Or rather a particular food item cooked several different ways.
Homemade delicious little evil puff pastry devils.
Sometimes when I'm waiting for my shrink, he'll roll around the downstairs waiting room hauling his cart of goodies. My therapy is upstairs on the second floor near the stairs. I hear his little bell ring, because of course he would have a bell on his cart. What evil Cart doesn't have a bell?
Ice cream Man, Peanut Vendors, Slushy Vendors, the list goes on, they all have that little bell they ring to come calling to their trenches.
It's hypnotic, it signifies something good here, come and get it.
I sit by the chair near the stairs and inhale the smell, I love that smell. It's almost erotic. My stomach grumbles and I fantasize binging on the entire contents of that cart. He has all kinds, sweet, salty, meat filled kinds, ham and cheese..
*Drools on keyboard ala Homer Simpson style mmmmm Empanadas*
They are even one whole dollar, he has diet soda too of course, ah something to wash it all down with!
What a horrible torture, how I loathe and love this Old Man.

The Devil's means of Torture
Lucky Bastard scarfing down fried piece of Heaven

Everyone loves him, everyone including and especially the staff here practically run to his cart waving crumpled dollars at him.
So here he was ringing his little bell...
In my weakened unsure state I almost shoved my hand down my purse, amidst the junk and book and pulled out my stash, I would've pulled a twenty dollar bill out and bought half his goods.
I would've.
Instead I stormed out the lobby and headed for the exit. I did it, I'm out the building!
I laugh hysterically to myself and go unnoticed of course because I'm coming out of a Mental Health building where laughing hysterics are the norm.
I head for the crosswalk and to the Publix supermarket where my husband is asleep reclined in the driver's seat.
It felt good to be out of there, it felt good to resist.
Instead of heading home straight away, I'm off to the public library to Vote.
The polls are opened early for voting on a New Mayor of Miami Dade County.
I'm excited and in good spirits again.
The lines aren't that long and in the meantime I browse for books too.
I've finally signed in and I'm shown a room lined with Black electronic polling booths.
I've done my duty and voted. The mayor I chose has high hopes and doable solutions to help this city. I hope he wins.
My daughter is picked up from school and we head home. I workout and shower.
A shake awaits me, extra creamy and a banana for some carbs.

I'm liking the Protein Shakes, I can see a huge difference in my body.
I will continue to try to love myself and my body, try to be okay with possible gain, after all this is my body and I have to deal with everyday.
I'm trying to get toned, I want to look good, sexy. I want to feel good when I look in the mirror not disgusted and frustrated.
I'm tired of hating myself. I want to love this body, I want to love me.
I will make a try for it. I'm going to keep on with this, eating a bit more and protein shakes, working out and venturing out back into the world, therapy and medication..
My therapist told me to do things that feel good to me, to be happy and positive.
I will take her advice.
Here I go, one complete week no Bulimia.
Onward through the fog!

Oh I want to say something else..
*To Jenn..I'm very proud that you are CPR certified, I think that's a huge deal worth making a fuss over so here is me fussing over you.
My nephew who is now 14 is actually CPR certified, he learned it from a class at the YMCA pool last summer. Thanks to that knowledge, on the day of my uncle's heart attack, he was the one who found him on the floor in the bathroom unconscious.
My nephew administered CPR to my uncle meantime the paramedics on their way, thanks to his knowledge, he was able to buy my uncle some time, helped his very low heartbeat. He bought my uncle time before he passed away in the hospital.
Congratulations, I hope you're very proud, because I am of you.
Good Job gorgeous.

*To my lovely Peridot, I'm sorry you're having a tough time, hang in there, You are very strong and I know you will prevail. You're magical like that.
*To Danae be happy you made it 15 whole days purge free, that is something to celebrate and don't give up..never give up!

Okay I'm done..
take care all and stay strong!


unbeautiful said...

I think that's so great that you've been bulimia free for one week. That's amazing. I hope this good mood lasts.

sarah said...

i've just read through this post, so i don't know too much about you yet, but your blog is nicely written & you seem very interesting!

it's wonderful that you connect with your shrink! i went on lexapro [10mg] in march last year & at first it was wonderful, like a switch had been flicked in my head. i didn't feel depressed/suicidal/weepy, but after a while it just felt like nothing, like it was wearing off or something. so i went off it like a week ago, & aside from the side effects i feel more awake, which is nice.

i'll keep reading :] i love love love the name lou by the way, it is adorable.