I spy..

My daughter has tutoring today, decided to walk and get her.
I'm still pissy about the weight gain and I need exercise every chance I get.
I'm anxious today. The walk didn't help that out. I had to keep telling myself it was going to be okay. Sometimes I think the Buspar doesn't do shit.
I see my Dr. tomorrow, I think I'll tell him that, I know he's going to say something stupid in response like last time-"Work through the anxiety."
Well fucker if I knew how to do that then I wouldn't be in this pickle.
Ass.

I don't know what he'll say, probably up the Buspar, wish I could start a new medication.
I skipped my Wellbutrin today.
Maybe that's also why I'm anxious.
The long walk felt awful, I kept feeling lightheaded and kept thinking it was too late to turn back now.
I kept trying to think of all kind of things to distract myself, but all that kept popping in my head was ideas of b/p.
I tried and tried and kept feeling worse.
Stupid ED wish it would just put me on my ass already so I can just be locked away in a hospital room for good.
It doesn't.
Instead I do all sorts of things and still manage to wake up every morning in this same skin that I loathe.
I'm not in a good mood. I hate waiting and now it's all about waiting on account of the Housing appointment.
I keep thinking about what I'm going to do for income.
Why am I not passing out?
I know I'm dehydrated, I keep waiting for the seizure or the blackout that never comes?
I haven't eaten today, I really shouldn't. I think I've eaten enough these past few days.
Today is one of those days where I just don't want to put up the facade with anyone. I just want to stay in bed. Day 23 no Bulimia. I should be happy about this but you know ED never satisfied.
When I get back I have to finish purging some more crap I won't be taking with me before homework and making dinner for my kid.
On the way back from school, my daughter complaining about everything, we see something odd in the street.

A Hawk eating a pigeon. It was both beautiful and frightening at the same time.
My daughter was appalled and actually wanted me to intervene on the pigeon's behalf.
So sorry baby, umm I think that pigeon's days of bob..peck peck peck on the sidewalk are over. I give her the Circle of Life reference from the Lion King, she smiles catching my drift.

That's life, some just don't make it.

It is a eat or be eaten world out there, and I think seeing this on our walk home just verified it.

I don't see myself as a pigeon. I'll do whatever it takes to keep pushing forward.

They may not always be the best choices but they are mines alone to make.