So I'm here, just finished purging and I'm so dizzy.
My heart beat is very slow and I've just drank something sweet in case my sugar is low.
I've taken a few laxatives because my weight is higher than I'd like and it's because I've been eating.
Why am I eating more, I don't know.
God how I wish I weighed less.
My boyfriend just left my house a few hours ago, I feel incredibly lonely now, lonelier than I've felt in a long time.
You get used to company, I forgot what it was like having someone I enjoyed being around. I miss my boyfriend all the time when he's not with me.
I miss the feeling of just being happy.
I can usually deal with it just being being me, but today the silence in my apartment is profound.
So much so I feel like calling my ex so I can get my daughter back a day early.
I won't though, I know she's having a good time with her dad and I won't take that away from her.
So it's just me and Ed again.
How I hate this.
Ed brings me no comfort these days, I despise the thing.
With each passing day that goes by, it makes me more and more aware of where my life is headed if I keep with it.
I'm headed nowhere.
The unhappier I am, the more sick I get.
There are these quotes that I love that can sum up how I feel on most days..
"Better to inflict pain on myself than to let other people do it." –Tracy Thompson
"What do you despise? By this you are truly known." –Frank Herbert, Dune
I can't really explain why I just don't give up Ed and try to get better, maybe it's because I don't know what better is?
Is there such a thing, is anyone truly better off?
Some days I feel like I am just an Eating Disorder,
I can recall less and less a time where I was truly happy and never having known
it.
Pay me no mind, I'm just venting now, I don't like this current mood I'm in but I guess I just have to deal with.
I've finished reading The Wind through the KeyHole, it was a good book, I'm sad that's it's done with, I was wrapped up in that story and now back to the mundane.
Guess I'll go lay down and sleep the rest of Tuesday away.
Take care all
L.
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2 comments:
hey lou,
So sorry you are feeling this way but I can totally identify with you. A lot of the time I feel like I am just an eating disorder too. Like it is the only thing that defines who I am. It's my safe place and for me it means not having to live in reality, not having to risk getting hurt, not having to risk failing.
From reading your blog I can tell that you are a whole lot more than your ed. You are funny, kind, loving, a great writer, devoted mother and more than anything you are a survivor. Your ed can take a lot but it can't take theses things from you.
Hope you feel better soon,
Much lovexxx
Sometimes it just stinks being alone in the house. :/ I hope that Ed fecks off. Try not to let one purge bog you down--think of it as a chance to overcome it a little bit more, and each time makes you stronger. Your life is most definitely going somewhere. I've been neglecting your blog lately (everyone's blog, really...) and in that time you finally got away from the ex and got your own place with your daughter. You've already gone somewhere. Now you just have to keep going. :)
xoxo
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