Tuesday, May 1, 2012

You sure about this?

So today has been a very happy day for me, my boyfriend is at my place.
I've missed him terribly, having him around is therapeutic.
I don't fret about my Ed so much. I try not to eat sure, but not today.
He was sweet enough to bring me a 6pk of Boost and a little bit of groceries, things he thinks would be safe foods for me. Even going so far as to bring me supplements that can help put back all the essentials I purge out.
I adore him for that, he makes me very happy.

I had shakes today and just now actual food, even dessert.

The bowls I serve myself in are very small, they're not even children's plate, more like baby bowls, but I can measure what I can allow myself that way.

My daughter helped bake and frost a cake, she always wants to help me in the kitchen especially when it comes to baking anything. So here it is, it's not the prettiest thing, but it taste great..

So I decided to eat today.
My boyfriend eats too at my little dining table and I stay in the kitchen eating out of sight. I don't feel comfortable yet to eat in front of him, no not yet.

I had a small slice of cake and a glass of milk too.
I just took two Ranitidine which will help me with the heartburn that is sure to hit me later.

How do I feel now?
I'm literally shaking, I'm a ball of nerves. I feel like I want to cry even.
I feel full even though I just ate a little. It's all in my head of course.
I have to take deep breaths and try to relax.
It's just food, this won't kill me. I have to train my body to relax after eating instead of immediately running to get rid of it. It's a habit like breathing or blinking, it's just something that comes to me.
One day I'll be able to not feel like this but as for today I have to just endure. I'll bloat soon I know which just makes everything more triggering, but tomorrow I won't be bloated. I have to keep rationalizing everything so I can stand it otherwise the Ed will get me and I'm no better off than when I first started.

I honestly don't know how people do this, how do they eat and not go into a panic?
Are they not aware of what food can do?
Maybe I'm too aware and that's the problem. Maybe I should think less.

I'm going to have a bubble bath later with my honey and a glass of wine.
Ed can take a hike today, I'm tired of it stealing time away from me. I waste so much energy giving into it or fighting it off, I'm just about ready to scream.

I want to just have a day where I can be like everyone else. If I'm ever going to get better I have to start somewhere.
No purging today, I'm keeping my food baby.



Peridot (G+P) said...

Fucking AWESOME! :D :D :D

Something really stupid and trite I was told for goalsetting, but works for tacking recovery is:
Q.How do you eat an elephant?
A.One bite at a time.
Recovery is a pachyderm, and you just have to take it one fork/spoonful at a time.

And dessert too? GO YOU GOOD THING!

That cake looks like Cake Nirvana. I've had too many gorgeous-looking cakes shit on my tastebuds. Why bother eating something pretty if it isn't going to take good? Things made with love have that little extra something that makes them divine.

Bloat WILL go away. We both know, but it is something that needs to be re-said when Ed is being an asshole over it.

Everything has to start somewhere. The only place it never starts is tomorrow. You have now, now is a good time to fight in. If you use the energy to fight an undermine Ed as much as possible, it will eventually take LESS energy to do it and you'll have more left for other things, like romancing the honey ;)

Sorry if this isn't making any sense. I'm trying to catch up on all your April posts so I'm scatty as all get out.

Love you, take care <3

Anonymous said...

Yay Lou!!!
I love this post, you actually ate and fought against the b/p nature. You can do this sweetie, there will be days where you can eat and others when you won't but enjoy the days you do decide to, those count.
Your boyfriend sounds very sweet, he must love you loads to understand your illness and try to help you in little ways, I wish you both the best.
Keep up the good days, I know its hard, ones body is against us when we want to get better, but like you said its all in your head.
I think you're tuff and beautiful.
You stay strong and be happy :)

Love you -be safe!