Monday, August 27, 2012


I've survived the storm.
Tropical Storm Isaac knocked my power out for a bit instead of all night. My daughter and I huddled by the window watching the wind gusts blow through trees, and rain drizzle on just about everything.
It was a nice break from what we'd been doing all week which is watch nothing but Hayao Miyazaki films. Ponyo and Princess Mononoke are her favorites.

 She thought the storm was exciting and couldn't wait to cut on candles and flashlights. My daughter left with her dad before anything good started to happen
I missed her immediately. I stayed behind with the two cats who were at my heels the whole night.

I had horrible stomach cramps last night which got my anxiety going, I hadn't eaten much during the day and felt weak. I decided to eat something finally helping settle me down.

Lots more rain and wind throughout the night and not much else.

Yesterday I grabbed a huge plastic bag and put away all those small jeans that only enticed me to lose weight.
I was sad to see them go. Having them around in full view is just a constant reminder of how much my body has changed.

Now that I've completed a month of no Bp, I think I should just take it day by day.
No more counting.

This morning is still rainy out but the weather is clearing up gradually.
My knee is feeling better.
I catch up on sleep for most of the day until the phone rings.
The caller Id says CVS.
I answer and at first there is no one on the other end of the line.
I sigh and figure it must the pharmacy's automated service reminding I have refills on my medication that need to be picked up so I wait for the inevitable digital recording to begin.
Instead there's a man on the other end of the line, it's the hiring manager of CVS.
My drug test came back Negative, my background check did too.
I'm hired, for real this time.
I go tomorrow at noon for Orientation, then tomorrow will be my first day of work, I'll be at the store until 5pm.
My baby's Godmother and the Driving force behind this crazy ride I am on is taking me there, as a matter of fact she's the one giving the class and training me.
Wednesday I head back to CVS again.

I'm nervous and excited all in one.
Be careful what you wish for, surprise, surprise you may just get it.

I'm feeling dizzy today and super triggered.
I decide to drink tons of liquids and eat something. I want to feel 100% for tomorrow.
After eating and drinking the guilt sets in.
This is the part I hate, the feeling after I eat.
I know that things are going to change, have to. I need to incorporate food into my daily life if I'm to function as a person for hours on end in public.
I'm just scared.
So many conflicting feelings are running through my head right now.
I wish I could just be happy, I wish my Ed would just go away.
I don't know how to have both a life and an Ed anymore, somethings got to give.

My dear friend went ip today. I won't be hearing from her for 90 days.
I miss her but wish her the very best.
She's smart, funny, well educated and now in the hospital for the 6th or so time. Her Ed has robbed her of life.
I don't want that for myself. I want my life back.
It won't be like I imagine at first, but I'll try to make the most of it.
This part scares me too.

So tomorrow is the big day.
Wish me luck.



Anonymous said...

My boyfriend and I love Miyazaki movies, they're just amazing. I'm glad the storm passed you by, that must be so scary to have to deal with the threat of hurricanes year after year. I think I wouldn't mind living by the ocean (and therefore somewhere warmer!) if I had to put up with that those.
I hate when you're around people for an extended period of time and have to fight off questions about your eating...
You deserve a life outside of an eating disorder, we all do. It's hard to let go of those little things that let us hold onto the past, like small clothes or (for me) packs of diet pills and rice cakes. One month is so good, I'm so glad you've made it that far, hon.
Good luck with your job (:

Jenn said...


ruby-tuesday said...

Well done on a month binge/purge fee!
You have come so far!

I also put away 2 pairs of 'anorexic' jeans this month.
It was hard but the are triggering to say the least.

Stay well lou x

Jess said...

Hey lulu ... So stoked for you with your new job . Btw mononoke is the best . It's little girls fav too . I'm glad you did not fly away in the storm or woke up with ceiling on your head . Your face Is looking so much healthier . I was hungover all day - vomiting and was so angry cause my heart was hurting every time . I'm doing ok . Therapy is helping me fighting my thoughts in my head . Super proud of you . One day at a time is the way to go . Big hugs . Been missing our little emails and can't wait yo chat . I think my little girl wants to say hello to yours . Super cute xx

Peridot (G+P) said...

Studio Ghibli is the best! Miles took me to see Ponyo and was confused, because he thought it was about ponies XD (Pony-o? o.O No boy, pon-yo)

Yay you survived! I was so worried seeing the new here, all the frothing and dragging up Katrina memories doesn't help.

Putting the jeans away was a good idea. Also taking it day at a time, especially with starting work. Celebrate each day as a victory instead of having a long line of numbers that can stress you out.

Job! YAY! :D *Hugs you and dances around the house* So excited! Congratulations!

Hopefully with the job to distract you and fill in time it will be easier to move away from the Ed behaviours. It will be hard at first, because it's what you've been using to deal with stress and frustration which are pretty much a given in the workplace :/

But you are strong and you are kick-ass and you have the determination to beat this thing. Fighting for your life, yes? Both the quality and the quantity of it. Just remember that even Spartans didn't win all their training bouts :p With time and patience you will be able to make it fuck off for good. Fall down seven times, get up eight, right?

Sorry if that made no sense. It made sense in my fuzzybrain. Best of luck for the work adventure tomorrow! Sending you nice-coworker and nice-customer vibes :)

Love you heaps. Take care and stay dry <3

Anonymous said...

Yay Lou!
Omg I'm so happy you finally got that job, I know you'll be great at it cus you're so lovely and down to earth.

I'm glad you got rid of anorexic clothes, you don't need to look back anymore, you're clothes or weight don't determine your worth.
You're very inspirational to me, you go through so much and still manage to glow in vlogs and be so funny.
You can do anything I truly believe that.

I love Ponyo too, so cute.
I'm glad the storm didn't do any damage, I'd be scared myself lol.

Good luck at work, it's pure nerves the first day but you'll do great, just use the "im new" excuse and flash that lovely smile of yours ��

Good luck!

Moonlight Mistress said...

Congrats on finally getting that job!! I know you will do great!!


Nasimiyu said...

Congrats on the new job! And good luck, I hope it works out great!