Monday, August 6, 2012

Day 11

Last night after my daughter gets picked up I felt too tired to continue on with the day.
I don't particularly like sleeping pills but there are the rare occasions where I might pop em.
Case in point, last night.
My Dr. has prescribed me Trazodone, I'm allowed two 50mg pills.
It slipped my mind that this new doc told me they now come in 100mg doses, so instead of two I can take just the one.
I forgot.
Last night I pop two 100mg pills and didn't realise it until about 3pm today when I wake up.
My boyfriend, sister and friends leave me messages and emails wondering oh where oh where has Lou gone??
Special urgency today on account of last night's depressing Vlog which I apologize for by the way.
I know I'm prone to little suicidal thoughts here and there but rest assured I won't act on it.
I slept at lest 12-13 hours total.
I awake with a full on headache, my body sore and full of aches. If this is a result of sleep then I quit. I don't know how you sleeping folks do it, lay there for hours..
Maybe it's the Insomnia talking now, but geesh!
I'm okay now, sorta.
It's day 11 of no b/p and I'm not that upbeat but allowed myself food, er..something.
I had a Fiber 1 bar and a powdered Meal replacement shake which I made with Diluted milk. In total I've had close to 350 calories or so, I'm guessing, it could be less but I'm being generous here.
I weighed again.
I know, I know..step away from the scale miss, no sudden movements!
The scale is total bullshit.
It's like I'm in an abusive relationship, I get smacked around every morning by the scale and keep coming back despite every one's pleas to leave it behind.
I'm scared to not weigh, it's an obsession too.
Obviously what it says is a lie, but my disordered thinking would have me believe otherwise.

I decided to Google questions about what happens to your body after you stop Bp.
Here's what I've found, brace yourselves you may cry like I did.

“Why have I gained so much weight in bulimia recovery?”

Well this could be for a number of reasons:
Mistaking water retention and initial bloating for weight gain - Most people experience “the recovery bloat” at the start of recovery. It can last anywhere from a few days to a month while your body adapts to digesting food properly.

Being underweight at the start of recovery - Most bulimics are not underweight, but those who are will have to accept some “needed” weight gain

Still being in the earlier stages of recovery - It can take around 6 months for weight fluctuations to stop so for a time it may look like you’re gaining weight in recovery but this will even out.

Still struggling with frequent binges at the start of recovery - Some people who find it harder to stop binging at the start may experience greater weight fluctuations at first but again this is only temporary.
And one of the biggest reasons...

Continuing to restrict food in recovery - continued restriction means that your metabolism can not start working properly, this keeps your body in a distressed hunger state and means it will try to store the food you eat rather than using it as energy.

So often we can convince ourselves that bulimia causes weight loss but in many ways restricting can actually cause the opposite to happen.

Bulimia Help and MDJunction are two sites that I've been looking into, they have forums and support groups.
So far hearing others who've stopped Bulimic behaviors and reading their stories of what happens to your body is reassuring and scary.
I would always tell myself if I could just get rid of Mia then I'd be okay, hmm this bitch has roots.

Gaining weight scares me, I know I'd gain some but once I pass my safe weight (what I'm okay with) then that's a whole other mess.
This new fear is just pushing me to other behaviors. I find myself denying my body food and water. Talking myself out of Hunger. Wanting to lose weight, loads of it.

I don't pretend to know what will happen next.
This is all new to me, I have no one in real life who can tell me what to expect. I have no one to vent to without feeling like I'm triggering them.

I feel very much marooned on an Island with my Eating Disorder.

Tomorrow I call CVS and see what's happening with that.
I also must walk 20+ blocks to Child Support and pay for a printout of my current benefits. I don't look forward to either of them.
I miss my car.
I miss not being so scared of everything.
Looks like tomorrow is an Anxiety riddled day, and another day to fight the Ed.

I think I'll go to bed now, wish all of you lived closer, I could use a friendly face.


Ayden said...

I know you're scared of gaining weight, love. We all are, but until you can get a handle on it and trust yourself not to purge after you eat, I wouldn't try too hard to restrict right now. Those paragraphs at the end there are right, your body is recovering from something, and you need to give it what it needs to heal

I know that none of what anyone tells you about this will be enough to make you believe it. I'm the same way, just try for yourself and kids.

You're doing something amazing, LouLou!! Keep at it!

Jenn said...

OMG Good luck with the CVS thing
XD that's my excited face. I love you!


Peridot (G+P) said...

There are some days where your best bet is saying "Fuck you all, I'm going to sleep" :/

I'm so glad you don't act on your suicidal thoughts. How do you manage to not? I'm open for ANY tips right now, I have to survive long enough to get my project list completed.

Wow, 12-13hours? No wonder you had a headache! Sounds like an oversleep. If you sleep too much you get sore >.<

Disbelieve the number. I'm trying to write yesterday off as a heavy air day, but the potential for still being that number scares me too much to go back near the glass bastard. I wish you could dump a scale as easily as a useless Ex!

Yay for researching! This way you know what to expect AND have people to ask "Is this normal??" of who can give definite answers from experience :D It sounds really scary, but after the initial period is over you'd get to what your body knows is "normal" for it. Keep calm and rock on? o.O

If it would help to vent to me you could. I'm not triggered by anything other than myself. However my lack of personal experience with what you need to vent about makes me as useful as tits on a bull. There could be people in the forums you could vent to? You could put out a "Sounding Boards Wanted: Must be able to listen to Ed venting without being triggered and explain recover BS" thing on blogger and youtube as well. The law of averages means that there has to be at least two people (Generous underestimate) in the billions of humans who could be helpful.

Best of luck for CVS. Sending Lucky Lou thoughts your way <3

Considering a trip to the States in a year or two, when I have enough leave time built up. When's the best time of year for a coldblooded tuatara to visit Miami?

Love you and kia kaha <3