Tuesday, August 21, 2012


So CVS is a bust..maybe?
Idk what's going on but I'll give you the latest and see if you can make sense of it.

Here we go, text my friend to see what's going on with Drug Test.
She tells me the manager that was in charge of my hiring, has apparently taken a Vacation.
My friend tells me to call the lab and ask for my results, after I call they obviously tell me that they can't give out that info, if I wanna know then I have to contact Employer.

I relay the news to my friend and she says she's worried, that the silence is killing her.
Oh lordy, Calgon take me away.

I don't know what to make of this, all I can do is feel sorry for myself and cry because I have no idea what in the world is going on, feel like my life is being held hostage.

I feel like Bp, was honestly thinking about just giving up.
I felt like here I was trying to be good and getting my hopes up imagining a different version of my life and for what?

My cats need food and so I head out to Publix with change that I've managed to scuffle up.
It's really hot out.
I have a banana and a shake before I go, I bring water with me to sip along the way.
I'm towing my lil cart and Umbrella for shade.
On the way there I run across three stray cats who are so exhausted from heat they are laying dead center in the sidewalk not bothering to run from my noisy cart.
Nearby is an empty Tupperware bowl which I assume is for food or water. I fill up the rectangular plastic container with ice cold water, this heat is a lot, I can just imagine how thirsty they must be.

I'm in the aisle with the cat food and pondering what brand I can afford, undecided I grab a bag to inspect further, the bag has a huge hole on the bottom and seafood flavored fishes spill everywhere. The sound felt deafening.
My face is red with embarrassment, I grab the next bag on the shelf and high tail it out of aisle 8.
I'm wandering the aisles thinking about bp, should I shouldnt' I?
I grab orange juice and a pack of meat instead, my daughter comes home tomorrow, I'll cook for her instead and fight off these urges for one more day.
I decide to not bp after all.
On my way home I start to feel really flushed, sweat is dripping like a steam from the top of my head, I feel lightheaded and eventually dizzy.
I'm almost home, one more street to cross.
My legs start to buckle under me and everything around me starts to dim, I get scared and sit down immediately on the sidewalk.
I have no more water, it's so hot out.

An Ice cream truck is slowly passing by and suddenly stops in front of me, I slowly raise my head and stare ahead, I can hardly hear the words being uttered by the Ice cream man.
He's asking if I'm okay.
I tell him I feel dizzy, maybe my sugar is low, I don't know exactly.
The kind man hands me a cold soda.
I sip it slowly and feel better immediately. The Ice cream man waits for the color to come back in my face before leaving. He rides along next to me keeping up with my pace. I cross the final street and manage to head home in one piece.

I've had egg beaters today, scrambled with lots of pepper and onion powder.
I eat it very slowly, the minute the meal is done, the panic starts.
Fifteen minutes of turmoil before the full feeling subsides and I'm okay. The food is kept down and everything is fine.

My sister just called a little while ago, there is some bad news.
My nephews father is in the hospital and not doing well at all, we suspect Cancer.
He's kept this illness a secret from the kids, but now I think it's the end.
He's calling to talk to them and is hardly audible.
My nephews are distraught as is my poor sister. Everyone is at a standstill waiting to hear back on his condition.
I tell my sister its time she comes down and the kids say their goodbye in person.
My sister doesn't want to attend his funeral, I tell her I'll go say my goodbyes too, she won't be alone.
Death has always been so profound in my family, seems like every year we lose someone else. You'd think we'd be numb to it but we're not.
My sister and I have always taken it the hardest, I worry for my nephews.
I was a mess after my father died, I wish I could spare them that pain.

So that's it for now, looks like it's going to be a long night, the tears have started already in Orlando, wish I could be there for my family who lives so far away.

Day 25 no bp.
Hope I can make the month.



Anonymous said...

Omigod Lou!!! I have been confessing to a couple key people about my problems with bp and NO ONE gets it about that panicky feeling after eating. You articulate it so well, thank you for that. I am so sorry about your brother in law (? do I have that right?) that is so sad ugh! and to be so far away from family.... Last, I want to say I KNOW the cvs thing is gonna work out. You got your hopes up and this stuff always fuckin happens to the best of us. torture, wait, torture. Its OKAY I promise. The guy will get back from vacay, you'll get the job, simple as that.

Love you


Moonlight Mistress said...

Those people at CVS need to get off their asses! I hate it when people have no regard for others. You obviously applied and interviewed for the job because you need it! They need to have some kind of understanding of that and move this process the hell along!

You're so close to a month....just 5 more days. I know you can do it!!


Anonymous said...

Stop worrying about the CVS job right now! To me, a retail manager, this sounds like typical hiring process bullshit. Let me walk through what happened with our latest hire. He applies, waits a week to interview with the assistant manager, waits another week to interview with the store manager, the store manager helps out at a location in another city for several days and delays the hiring decision until a different woman interviews, then puts in a request for the district manager to review the proposed wage and expected hours. So the candidate takes his drug test. In 24 hours it comes back "needs client review" which is done at the corporate level instead of within the store. We update his profile and wait for corporate to approve it. They take several days. Then the district manager clears him after that and he's finally added to the schedule. This is also known as micromanaging. And it has nothing to do with the candidate. CVS is a chain that probably suffers similar nonsense. You should be fine! But you don't give yourself a break or let yourself relax. Do you feel unproductive if you're not anxious about something? I believe in you, in your brilliant words and your ability to hold up the world if you stop thinking about what happens within.

Have you read The Secret Language of Eating Disorders, about whatever she calls a certain Negative Condition? You have it. If you could silence this derisive voice, you'd break free of everything holding you back.

Peridot (G+P) said...

Isn't that just bloody typical? People are waiting on their decision and the boss buggers off on holiday! *Facepalm* Things like that happen all the time here too.

*Hugs* This shit will get sorted out, don't worry. Do you know how long they're away for?

You're not being good and fighting so hard for nothing! Never that! All this work you're putting in to beating Ed now is going to make it that much easier to avoid falling into behaviours when you have a shitty day at work. Real-world jobs and EDs or even "simple" disordered wating habits are rarely compatible. I can't tell you the number of times I've been late to work because I was bingeing and had to brush it off as oversleeping :/

It was good of you to give those kitties water. Couldn't you refill your bottle somewhere for the walk home? (I have no idea how safe Miami tapwater is though, lol)

Yay no BP! Take that Ed, you scumbag! Lou's too good for you ;) One day at a time is how you win.

I wanna high-five the ice cream truck man. Yikes, heatstroke or dehydration? Maybe We should get you a donkey to pull your cart and carry a water barrel? 0.0

Oh no, that sucks! There are no words for how much that sucks. I can understand why he didn't tell them how sick he was. I hate losing people suddenly with no time to say goodbye.

Thinking of you all and sending much love *Hugs you and your family*