Monday, August 13, 2012

Fill her up

Today is my Drug Test.
I'm up at 8:30 am and sleepy as ever running on only two hours sleep total from the night before.
I need to start changing my sleeping patterns, staying up late bs-ing online is weighing down on me. Too many timezones to get used to and accommodate.

I need a shower.
I start to call my niece to confirm my ride, to my delight she's up and ready.
She gets to my place late but that's okay because I changed the time to thirty minutes earlier.
I've had coffee this morning and a quick chat with my friend who's asking for my weight. Her's coincidentally is lower and almost to where I said I was last time.
It's a competition, she's trying to be lower than me.
She doesn't care that she triggers me, the Ed in me screams, beat her, we can Win.
There is no prize here except two sick women ruining their lives.
She can win, I forfeit.
I tell her I'm not weighing this week, and I'm hiding the scale.
She's none too pleased, the rest of the conversation is one sided and full of complaints. The whole conversation consists of me boosting her up to do better and be positive, and her getting back down and negative.
I'm so sick of it.
I won't talk to you if you don't have a least one positive thing to say happened in your day Ed related or otherwise.
Enough already, how miserable can you be?
Surely something has gone in your favor, a song on the radio, an early release form work, maybe a quarter in your couch cushion, something anything that says I don't feel like killing myself today.

I'm not the poster child for happiness but shit recognise when you've got a good thing going somewhere.
You're blessed in some aspect of your life that others don't have.
I'm so fed up with ungrateful people lately.
You could be worse off, things can always be worse. I happily end the conversation and go.

I drink water, lots of it and I'm anxious and nervous about my test.

My niece and I arrive shortly after to my Destination, it was really far away, I would've had to walk alot. I'm grateful I didn't have to.

I sign in and sit in the busy waiting room.
Everyone is here for different reasons, some for Paternity tests, others for Drug Tests, some for lab work.
I'm glad I had an appointment, looks like I and another person were the only two who had one, the rest were walk-ins.
I read old back issues of Vogue and Glamour magazines while my niece plays on her smart phone. My stomach starts making noises, instant embarrassment.

I'm called in quickly and handed a large cup, I'm supposed to fill a little of it.
There is no one who watches me, I'm on my own. If I needed to fake this test I could have and no one would've been the wiser.
I awkwardly place the cup and pee into it.
My Urine is very yellow today.
I clean the cup off and head back into exam room 2.
The lab tech marks my pee and tells me it's no good, I'm just shy off the fill up point.
Great, I knew this would happen.
I worry about this test getting rescheduled, but instead he shoos me off to the water fountain and tells me to drink lots of water and come back when I'm ready, maybe even in an hour.
I drink loads of water, I feel like I'm water logging before a weigh in.
I sit in the waiting room with my niece and we catch up, it's nice. I always love being around my family, I can always be myself around them, I have no need to walk on egg shells or be on my best behavior with them, they just get me.
We start talking about hair, seems hers is falling out too maybe this new diet she's on. She would love to fix my hair sometime, I'd like that. I hate my hair especially lately since it's been falling out quicker than usual. I feel so self conscious about it all the time. This doesn't help my non existent self esteem.
Today is a bad body image day for me. My clothes are baggy and I don't care to be looked at. I didn't weigh this morning and it's messing with me. It's for the best I know, why does it feel so wrong. I'm scared to get on it next week and see a huge gain, I can't trust what I see or what others say to me.
I wish I could change that.
I look at all the models in the magazines, it's practically Thinspo at this point.
God I will never come close to being a third of these women.
I sigh heavily and rub my forehead in frustration.

After ten minutes I feel like I have to go, there is a line at the front desk and everyone is upset bout the long wait, I start to do the pee pee dance in the corner trying to get the Nurse's attention, I really have to go now.
I'm told to go inside and handed another large cup. This time I make good.
My pee is really clear but I don't care, there has to be some traces of Urine in that cup even if it is mostly water.

I fill out some forms and in 48hrs I should have my results back, maybe I won't have to wait till Saturday to hear back from the CVS manager after all.

I can go home afterwards.
My niece is a new car, her dad's old Jetta
I tell her we should catch the new Batman movie when she gets a few extra dollars to spare, she agrees.

My Older brother mentioned last night he wanted to go shoot pool on Saturday with me, I love pool.
I can't because I have no sitter, but I'd love nothing more than to be in a smoke filled bar drinking beer from a pitcher and hitting balls with much gusto.

I miss my old life, a time where this was the norm, to be out around people, to dance in clubs, shoot pool, stay out late and just be worry free for a few hours.
Wishful thinking or premenopausal?

I have to re certify for my benefits, my niece was kind enough to take me there too.

I thought all I had to do was make copies and drop it off, boy was I wrong.
The place is packed with people.
There are so many people who just get to this country and immediately head here. They get instant benefits. So many people walking around with the latest clothes and IPhones.
As I wait in a line for the copy machine, I wonder where is the line for the IPhone?
The copy machine used to be simple, go load the paper make your copies, the end.
Nope not anymore, I'm scolded immediately because now they've appointed a rather vulgar woman as the copy person, her sole purpose is to bark at you for not knowing this and to make copies for instead, the stupid machine even has a password.

I actually got bitched at twice, once for using the machine unknowing of it's secret password, and second because my papers had staples in them and that's just a big ol no no.
Finally after much delay I'm done, I drop off the papers and can go.
My niece waits for me and we catch up some more before I'm dropped off back home.
I talk with my sister for a bit and them my boyfriend.
The house is so cold and quiet. I feel really sad.
I'm debating bp but shouldn't. I don't even know why I would even do it at this point, it wouldn't solve a single problem only exasperate them.

Day 17.
I haven't had a bowel movement in days.
I have suppositories, there better for me than pill lax which make me sick and lead me to binge on them for days on end. Guess two should do it.
I sleep for a few hours afterwards. I don't don't want to wake up, but there are people who I talk to who will worry so for them I get up.

I've just had some yogurt and cottage cheese and feel like shit. I'm so full it's making me sad.
Webcamming with my sister doesn't help my mood, or talking with my mates.
I'm going to bed again. I fear staying up will lead to bad things and of course Insomnia. My Insomnia feels like a bad Ambien trip.
I find myself trying to do all sorts of things I shouldn't.

Hope you all are well. Tomorrow's another day to do it all differently.



Peridot (G+P) said...

When I start getting too gloom-and-doom at work I sing "Still Alive" from Portal or "Some people have it worse than I" by Tim Minchin. Never fails to make me laugh.

Pee-yellow hallway to get you into the right mindset? XD Or is it cream with lighting effects?

Photocopiers are PURE EVIL. I've never been able to work out how to use them. I swear they're produced for the sole purpose of messing with people.

Good on you for avoiding the B/P! :D

Sending you sleepy thoughts. Insomnia sucks stinky rugby socks! I hope you have a great day tomorrow.

The Lovely Bones said...

I really hope you're okay.
I know how annoying photocopyers are. I got shouted at by a librarian for printing out my A level coursework in the wrong format. It's crazy these days.
I'm so proud of you for everything you've achieved. I'm really genuinely thinking of getting professional help with my purging because of all the progress you've made. So thank you so much. You're amazing. I'm following only 2 'recovery blogs' and you're one of them. So thank you.
Good luck, I hope everything turns out amazingly for you.