Day 19

I believe school starts Monday.
My daughter's Charter school always does this, they wait until the last possible minute to hand the back to school list, thus me missing tax free week and rushing around at the last minute scavenging for overpriced school supplies.

This year is different because I'm on my own with my kid, no help from my ex husband at all.

I call him this morning to relay the news that school is next week and we have not even so much as a pencil for my daughter.
Our lack of communication is really daunting.
I need my ex to buy my kid's uniforms which are about $75 bucks. I can't afford uniforms, plus school supplies, plus my light bill due in the same week plus the now additional cost of $80 for after school care if I start work next week as well.

I need help.
My ex can at least buy the uniforms since he's not doing a single thing for her schooling.

My ex bitches me out because I woke him up from his sleep. I swear Insomniacs have better manners and we're wired!
So far sleeping and all it entails don't appeal to me. If the alternative is to be a bitchy than no thanks, I'll pass on sleep.

He's not getting her Uniforms now, he may just buy it after the school week starts which just makes me cry.
I hate that I can't provide for my kid like most parents do, you have no idea how inadequate I feel on most days.
I worry about my kid getting picked on, I don't want her to have my childhood of hand me downs or tough luck you're just not getting that this year.
She deserves better than what I had.

To be responsible for someone Else's life is not to be taken likely. Your mistakes resonate.
You are essentially help shaping another person's character.

I won't bore you with much, I'm in a funky mood right now, I'm not even going to work out, just go straight to bed.

My kid gets dropped off and we take a walk and talk.
Right before she came I binged on Cottage Cheese and Yogurt, I ate so much.
I didn't purge it, instead it sits in my distended stomach as a form of punishment I suppose, a new means of torture.
The Anxiety started up and I knew I had to get out the house, so we walked.

Changes will be headed our way very soon, my daughter in after school care and seeing even less of me.
I'll be at work trying my best to be the sole provider, the single parent household.
Our days will be long and our nights short, weekends are for rest.
This will be an adjustment.

My kid seems happy, I need to make this all work somehow.

I'm on day two of not weighing.
Do I like it? No.
It's all I think about.
I feel heavy, I don't want to be looked at.
I wonder how much I've gained?


My eating stinks, it's repetitive and tedious.
I don't know what I consider safe. What can I eat that won't make me wanna rip the remainder of my brittle hair out?

I'm so aware of everything.
I feel ashamed when I manage to finally eat, I find myself doing it in secret more and more.
I feel judged, I want privacy.

My Ed wants Isolation, sometimes I want that too.

I'm worried about working.
I'm having bad thoughts.
There's a huge part of me that thinks working is the perfect excuse to burn calories and not eat, I'm scared to have full blown Anorexia again.

I try to think about working in a better light, maybe it will encourage me to eat, possibly breakfast and maybe partake in Dinner with my kid in the evening.
It's a nice thought that I try to hold onto.

Tomorrow is Open House at school, I hope I can attend. There's a letter that's gone out requesting parents leave their children at home.
I don't have that option, no sitter means she's stuck with me. My ex works and he will never go out his way to change anything.
I've always been the one to rearrange my life for him.
Frankly I'm sick of it, I'm tired of being 90% and everyone else being 10%

Things with my ex and I are bound to get heated soon.
I'm flipping the bill for after school care which means my daughter stays till 6pm at school.
My ex gets her Mondays and Tuesdays all day, I don't know how this will all play out.
I feel like I should be compensated for the missed days that he'll have her.
Maybe I'm just reaching now.

One day at a time, that's all I can do for now.
Well Wednesday was hard, but I've made it.
I'm a bit heavier and kinda sad, but overall here in one bloated piece.
Tomorrow I may have results of Drug Test too, just got a text from my kid's Godmother who is on top of this for me God bless her sweet little heart, she lobby's for me no matter what.
I hope I passed and it's good news all around.

Nite, I has exhaustion.
L.