Tuesday, January 10, 2012


I haven't slept for twenty four complete hours.
I feel amazing, my body is overly hyper and I feel like I'm about to bounce out of my skin for some reason. The Buspar is gobbled up like Candy once my chest starts to ache in protest. I'm out of supplements...I don't take my Wellbutrin today, I'm actually paranoid to do so. I'm scared to accidentally overdose on them since after all they are the only depression med you can die from if the dose is too high. I keep imaging my slow digestion holding onto the little white pill, letting it settle at the bottom of my intestine. This fear prevents me from taking doses daily..
After my shower and the clock says 6:45 I decided to weigh.
I barely ate anything yesterday and was at 106.
I towel off and hop on my little scale and close my eyes tight in and see, 105lbs. Jimmeny Crickets!!
God it feels good!
Finally, feels like 108 was never going away. I don't even care that I will be be running on no sleep today or that yesterday was confusing..
I quickly dress in something warm and the alarm clock goes off. My husband is awake and begins to pray, his usual morning routine.
I poke my daughter and snatch the covers. The cats love this, they start to run this way and that as I shake sheets.
After five minutes of hearing-Mommy I'm tired!
My Lil Miss B. wakes up and takes her little body to the bathroom. I start to make the beds as I am full of energy. I take chicken out the freezer to defrost. My husband gives me a glance and heads to the bathroom himself.
We didn't have much to say to each other last night, after he came home to find me breathing shallow in the bed and eyes dazed and trying to focus he asks me "what's wrong?"
I tell him I don't know, I just feel anxious and odd, more importantly dizzy to no end.
He just says to me in a monotone voice "Stop throwing up already before you kill yourself.."
Oh why didn't I think of that?
He doesn't even notice that today makes a week since I've last done that.
I don't care what he thinks.
I won't lie and say that losing weight isn't starting to poke at me, I'm only five little pounds away from 100..
Then double digits.
The thing that drives me to that place is not at rest. All these sudden changes that are coming are too much. The Ed is all too familiar and constant.
My fingernails are extra purple, my fingers so thin. I can see every vein on my hands and forearms, the gaps between my fingers make me smile.
I feel on my collarbone a lot, so reassuring like a hard talisman. My hipbones are trying to show now, and my ribs feel like stone.
My face is less puffy now since I've stopped purging, my stomach bloats less too.

Everyone is dressed and school bound except me, I stay behind and clean up. My husband takes awhile to get back home, today we're off to file for income tax.
I get half of whatever is projected.

We're headed to the tax office but first breakfast.
I am not hungry at all, all I have is a few sips of coffee before tossing the rest. Hubby goes all out. He can eat, he can eat anything.
The woman behind the bakery counter asks me three times if I was hungry. I continue to tell her no, in all honesty I wasn't. Normally I would be ruining the moment by ordering something later regretting it and then the eventual purging. Not today, I was on the euphoric high that is not sleeping.
I once went four whole days with no sleep, the first two days are the best. I got a lot done that I never knew I'd been slacking in. The third day was more sluggish, you actually start to notice how long a day is and that it takes a lot to fill it. The fourth day was the scary one, I started to see things that weren't there. I can imagine hallucinations going on further if I'd complete the week with no sleep.
I regretted sipping the coffee, it was bland yet hot, but not what I really wanted. I actually didn't want anything at all.
My husband continued eating his breakfast and making chit chat while I stared out the window and daydreamed. So many people outside all with actual lives, none of them with my upcoming worries.
I was inside the window looking out.

When we arrive at the tax place we're greeted by our friend Elveera. She's been doing our taxes for a few years now. She gushes over my weight loss and of course the usual conversation ensues. I get so tired explaining over and over again at times. I wonder what people would say if I just told them I have an ED and I'm very sick, would they gush then?
The tax preparation takes longer than usual, after the dollar amount is discussed we sign endless amounts of paperwork. During a phone call that Elveera excuses herself from my husband takes it upon himself to mention my car. He wants to fix it up, rims, stereo the works..The Disney Cruise is brought up again and numerous other fantasizes he starts entertaining himself with.
I quietly turn to him and tell him that I can't afford any of that right now, all of my monies are going to bills and car tag transfer/insurance..
My husbands face distorts in confusion and the tension in the room is deafening.
He gets quiet or rather infuriated.
Oh boy here we go.

Elveera comes back now chipper as ever and we're almost done.
Suddenly I don't want to leave the office, I'm not looking forward to the huge argument that's about to ensue in my little yellow car. My daughter is at school and that means he can actually drag this fight out as long as he wishes.
I continue to fidget in my chair as usual, I never stay still, fidgeting means burning calories and I have too much energy today to just sit there.
I'm glad I took the Buspar this morning. I couldn't handle the anxiety right now.
My stomach is gurgling, this makes the second day I have not eaten anything thus far. I don't plan too either. I feel bloated and heavy although I'm 105lbs.
To be honest I'm very uncomfortable and the Fiber from two days ago is nowhere in sight.
If I wasn't thinking straight I would lax. I won't, if I do that well it would turn into a binge and I'd start the abusing again. Today I need an enema.
It's safer than the laxative and a hell of lot quicker. I need relief.
My husband looks mad and I pray he doesn't go upside my head when we get back into my car.
He gets a sudden phone call from the mechanic that distracts him and he starts smiling. I swear the man is Bipolar.
I rub my forehead in frustration, I hate Mondays.
Elveera is back and now we're done. So I have about 3gs coming my way in a week. I can't smile yet, there's a fight looming.
After my husband hangs up with our Mechanic who could be Meatloaf's doppelganger, he's in high spirits and gushing over our tax return amount. He pats me on the back which actually made me jump. Now I was grinding my teeth.
"Be happy, why are you so scared?" he sounds too upbeat. Hmm I don't like this game.
He tells me he has to go home and see the Mechanic to change some spark plugs or something, in he meantime I can get my kid from school and we can go shopping at a store I frequent.
Outside the school and it's funny how times have changed. I remember coming here and actually having someone I looked forward to talking to everyday. Those days are long gone and so is my crush, he's actually in another school far from here. My daughter's first grade teacher comes out first leading the class in a malformed line all the while telling them to be quiet and form a straight line, this only makes the kids nosier and the line more crooked.
My daughter spots me and starts to bounce up and down in excitement. I smile wide. I can never tell if her teacher is in a good mood or not, she always looks the same-mad. Her teacher spots me too and calls out to my daughter. All the little classmates wave at me and tell my daughter look its "B.'s mom, B your Mom is here!" kids make me laugh. My daughter gets Green today and green is good.
In the store now and I can actually break away from my husband and wander aisles. My phone on vibrate means I can ignore his calls. My daughter is with me and talking my ear off. I love how simple she is, she doesn't give me a hard time. We make small talk as she shows me furniture and things she wants me to buy her when she has an actual room in the next apartment. Lately my daughter has been going on and on about the description of our next place. We are going to have not only a pool but also a fireplace! and she wants me to have a big kitchen and a footstool so she can help me bake.
We shop further and it's nice. I manage to buy a new couch. It's a cappuccino colored microfiber one complete with a matching ottoman. The couch was unexpected and my husband and I spotted it at the same time from across the store. We run to it like children and plop ourselves on it as if to say finders keepers!
He looks for the sales assistant and haggles the price. The sales assistant is a very small man in his late fifties. His thick glasses and shiny shoes remind me of Hans Moleman from the Simpsoms lol. This is not his department and he doesn't know how to price the couch. We wait to hear the extravagant number. He says 40$
My husband and I look at each other in disappointment because we thought he meant 40 for both pieces which in actuality meant 80 plus tax. We were wrong. The couch is mines yay!

The couch I loved because it came with an actual Ottoman which meant I could keep my bum knee elevated and find a little bit of relief for a few hours. My knee is awful today. I find books to donate for my daughter's classroom and we're done at this store. I still need a new house phone since my old one was has seen its days of static dropped calls come to and end.
To my Peridot, hmm my little Kiwi Fruit I have no idea how to measure
 A.) a cane B.) Anything.
I know you'd love to knit me a cane sleeve but math and I don't mix.
I can tell you though I now have two canes,  one of my neighbors gave me a very nice vintage looking wooden one which I prefer to the cold leopard print aluminum one. They said it felt better on the leg's pressure and wow they were right.

I finally buy my enema, my husband cringes at the sight of them.
I think he like any man recoil at the sight of anything that may actually puncture their anus.
I've played loads of jokes on him with these things, he falls for it every time.
He always asks me if it hurts and how can it not hurt?
Oh please it's not sodomy for crying out loud. I will walk again lol.
I do fuck with him though, I'll cry out in pain or tell him omg there is something wrong it got stuck!
Lmfao his face!
Not today though, I just wanna be done with the thing.

I get home and have a package waiting for me. My friend and fellow Blogger Samantha has mailed me a scarf. It's white soft fur. It feels really nice. I have to keep it somewhere the cats won't see it otherwise they'd be munching on it.
I love it doll face you're so sweet. I'm going to mail you something in return, I already have three things in mind hehehehe..

Thank you Sammy!

I'd love to tell you that the rest of the night was fantastic, but no.
I got drunk on an empty stomach and my husband and I had a huge blowout.
He was grasping at straws to stay in this marriage. He even told me I could have a boyfriend and see them on the weekends. He's crazy.
Yes it got physical I'm afraid. I'm hungover now and dehydrated, I haven't even weighed yet. I have an awful ache on my left rib. I think I'm going to shower
now and see if it helps. Today makes day 8 no b/p.
Well the day's just started yes, but I have faith I will be ok.
I have two friends who are giving me the cold shoulder on account of my sudden weight loss. Typical ED competitive bullshit.
Oh well I'll be here still when they pop back up five pounds lighter.
I hope you all have a great day and I will try myself, ugh still have hubby around until Wednesday sheesh.
Pray for me.


Peridot (G+P) said...

You look positively royal in that chair with that scarf! Wonderful! :D

Migods, the man be tripping BALLS! Is her THAT terrified to leave the familiar sameness? Is the that petrified that no other female will find him attractive? He obviously wasn't that worried when he slept around like a little manslut!

Hmmmm, maybe you can get Miss B to do the measuring? Length of cane from under the handle to the bottom of the cane, and then width across the bottom of the cane. I can do inches! My shiny new Panda measuring tape has imperial on one side and metric on the other! :D

Wow, I wish being sleep-deprived made me manic and bouncy. I get grumpy and bitchy, then start freaking out and crying when the hallucinations kick in :(

I'm so excited about the new place! Hopefully it'll be man-drama free. Lol, they accuse US of being drama queens, but I know a few who can give teenaged girls a run for their money!

Take care, gorgeous!