Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Mini Goals

My daughter turned in her Science Project today.
I have no idea what her final grade is on that.

I had a PTA meeting at her school in the late afternoon. The school wanted to discuss S.A.T testing.
My ex was at the park across the street from her school with my daughter, after the long tedious meeting which basically consisted of encouraging and educating parents on how to help their child during testing week was over, I headed over to the park to share information.
My husband was glad he didn't have to go to that meeting. I endured.
I asked my ex about Science Project news..
"Her project was too much, the other parents had handwritten things and very simplistic, she couldn't even explain her project or read anything."
This made me mad.
Here he was once again turning the tables on my ass.
I had enough.
I told him that I did EVERYTHING, the least he could do was parent on his end. He could have reviewed the thing with her at his home, he could have helped her read and understand it further.
Why must I do it all?
I ripped him a new asshole and he said nothing.
He didn't expect lil ol' me to speak up this time.
You have no idea how much I had to hustle to get her project done. I am broke,
 B R O K E..
 The nerve of this guy sometimes geesh.

I leave afterwards and head home.
So I've b/p 2x today.
The second time had me spinning.
I had to lie down at some point.
The room would go dim and my heart beat so slowly and sometimes not at all.
I saw spots and my hearing dashed in and out.
I sucked on a candy in case of low sugar and sipped on Gatorade. I sweated profusely so I sat in front of my AC.
After fifteen agonizing minutes I started to feel better.
I've been b/p too much.
I'm really fed up with myself.
The problem is that the more I let things trigger me or I feel bad, sad or something the more I turn to ED.
What a mess I'm in.
This has to stop.
It will.
I feel like such a disappointment for not being able to stop myself from all these awful behaviors, I feel like a failure.
I feel so strange, it's like a sadness that takes hold of me sometimes for no reason, I can only compare this feeling to being brokenhearted, yes that's what this feels like. It feels like rejection and anguish. Like being unloved.
I don't know why I feel like this sometimes, but I do.

I was thinking about how much time this disease is stealing from me, has stolen from me.
I'm losing sight of what's important.

So this is what I'm going to do, I'm going to list some of my goals (mini goals) that I'd like to accomplish very soon.
Maybe if I actually have these in print somewheres it will force me to take them on instead of averting my eyesight elsewhere.

1.) Stop B/P period.
2.) Find a bloody job
3.) Start counting calories again
4.) Exercise everyday
5.) Take Meds and Supplements every morning without fail
6.) Deal with my feelings in another fashion that doesn't involve self harm
7.) Ignore negative comments and negative people
8.) Say "I love you more" (I don't say it enough) to those that matter. I don't care if it's not returned.
9.) Be positive
10.)Write more
11.) Write back to those who've reached out to me in the mail.
*Number 11 is actually very important, I've been a horrible pen pal lately and I'm sorry. I've gotten so many supportive letters and cards in the mail since I've moved and I want to say THANK YOU for that. I've had my head in the toilet bowl for too long and I haven't looked around much at anything else. Why you wonderful people bother with me at all is a mystery, you all are amazing for taking time out your day to think of someone else.
12.) Drink only on weekends. I've been a wino lately and that's not good.
13.) Sleep more
14.) Call one family member everyday and inquire about their day
15.) Budget money better
16.) Thank God more for all my blessings
17.) Cut myself some slack
18.) Do more for others
19.) Get out more
20.) Eat something, anything.. once a day, even if it's small

Wow that's a lot lol.
If I can do any of these things than I've already won.
If I'm not willing to seek help than I have to really put my part to get better.
No one can fight this for me, it's just me in the weeds.
I can't keep living like this anymore it's so hard.
I'm so very alone, the one other person I know with an ED in real life is my very own sister, and she only has an Ed now cus she learned it from me.
Right now she is suffering and getting deeper into this, she doesn't see the ramifications of such a life.
I always say lead by example, maybe its time I stopped paying lip service and actually live by this mantra.
Maybe there can still be hope for her or you reading this.
Aren't you tired?
I am.
I'm so very tired of worrying about what I eat or don't eat.

I really hope I can do this on my own.
I'm not ready for professional help, I'm scared of it. I'm scared of someone making me stop when I'm not ready to. I don't just need my Weight restored, I need my soul restored.
I need more, I need something to get through to me.


Peridot (G+P) said...

These things were your only way to cope or express feelings when things turned to shit for so long, they've become reflex, ingrained habit. Don't bash yourself up for that! You've been doing amazingly well and it's the fucking stupid black&white mindset that gets us into this mess in the first place that keeps you from seeing how far you've actually come. (We want to be perfect, immediately perfect in everything)

Number 11, I have 2 new addys for you and don't know which is the real one. Halp? 0.0 I've been finding post-able house goodies for you and I'm dying to see what you think of them.

YES NUMBER 17! Write it on your hand or use it as a cellphone background or something :p

If it's just you in the weeds, we're out there somewhere else playing Marco Polo with you. You're not completely alone, we're always within internet-earshot if you need a hand or a shoulder or someone to rage at.

Lots of love to you <3