Thursday, March 15, 2012

Silly Rabbit..b/p free is just for kids

So I made two days no b/p.
That is all.
God I can't even hold out for three days.
 I've b/p today and also binged on lax.
No meds this morning or supplements.
I'm going to be sick tomorrow.

My daughter was with my husband for three whole days.
I really missed her.
I enjoyed my free time alone, but in the back of my mind, I did have a little bit of guilt.
I worried how she felt, was she homesick?
My husband calls me Tuesday afternoon and asks to borrow money because he wants to drink.
It never ceases to amaze me how he thinks. I have no job, why are you asking me for money. Does he think I have a regenerating wallet?
I tell him No and he hangs up only to call again later saying my daughter really misses me and wants to see me for a few minutes.
I agree to this.
My daughter looks different to me, taller?
She is really happy to see me..
I was a bit preoccupied cleaning up the apartment so I didn't pay much mind to my husband who sat on my couch talking about some nonsense.
I sat down finally and he kept on with the drinking topic.
"You wanna have a drink Saturday with me?"
Not really, you and I chill on different levels, I drink wine, you liquor..
"We could watch a movie." he insists.
No I don't know what I'll be doing Saturday *Shrugs*
He pats me on my head like I'm a puppy, and talks to me softly.
After a third try he gets it and leaves, he tells my daughter he has to go and she doesn't want to leave, she wants to stay with me. I tell her to go, she'll be home Wednesday.

My sister happens to call and doesn't like that I made my daughter go back to my husband's apartment instead of staying here with me.
"I feel sorry for her." she says.
My sister tries to make me feel bad for sending my daughter away.
She doesn't see the bigger picture.
I can't have her here on one of "his days" because then my Husband will think I'm not taking this visitation thing seriously, I have to stick to my word so he can continue to honor his.
Of course I want my kid to stay, but I can't start changing the rules around, because if my Husband sees some kind of in, he'll take it.

My daughter gets here today and everything is better.
My daughter can't stop telling me how much she missed me.
This makes me happy. I always worried if she actually would.

Her teacher left her tons of Homework which is all done, but unfortunately she has  a Science Project due next Tuesday.
I haven't done one of those in a long time.
I bought her display board already and have chosen a project.
I narrowed down two possible projects..

1) Do different types of apples have the same number of seeds?
2) How does omitting an ingredient  affect the taste of a cookie?

So the cookie one it is.
I'll spend tomorrow baking galore. I won't be sampling those cookies, oh no.
I can't eat cookies even if I wanted to, obviously I won't keep those down, but chocolate in any state is bad for me to purge, it's like Tar. Just thinking about how hard and frustrating purging cookies will be makes me shudder.

So now what?
I'm having a bad day with ED.
Today is one of those days where I'm in a bad mood and everything seems to piss me off.
My tolerance for bullshit is at it's maximum capacity.
Fuckin ED.
I'm down a pound.
Does that make me happy? of course it does.
I've gained weight in those 40+ days that I didn't b/p. I hate it.
Now my brush with failure has left me in that bad place.
That I don't give a shit faze where I want to lose as much as I can and more.
I want all of this added weight off.

I'm so tired of this.
I wish I could just never eat again.
I don't want to eat, I want to wither away to nothing.
This is what I didn't want to happen.
Do you know the things I will have to do to make that desire come to fruition?
Not good.
I feel so distracted right now. Like something or someone is taking me away from my priorities.
My mini goals can't be achieved with this kinda thinking.
I don't know how to not think these things.

Let's see what happens tomorrow.
I doubt I'll have a change of heart.
 I doubt a lot of things.