Thursday, March 8, 2012

This was not in the brochure

My head hurts.
It's the laxatives, they are killing me.

I weighed myself when I got home from dropping my daughter off at school and the gain has left me stunned.
It all comes back so quickly.
I'm not in Damage Control Mode just yet, which is actually surprising. I would be b/p by now but I'm not. I'm actually blogging to avoid it so I may ramble, please forgive me.

My husband popped up without calling a few minutes ago, he wanted to take my daughter to school except he was about an hr too late.
My daughter actually had her very first detention today on account of Monday's behavior. She was "disobedient" or so her teacher claims. Honestly I don't know what these teachers think, she's seven. Don't they remember what they were like at seven?
Kids get distracted and bored rather quickly. My daughter has an imagination like no other, she gets that from me I'm afraid. At her age being the youngest of my family and overly protected on account of my Father I had times where I had no choice but to be my own playmate and thus created my own little world of fun.
I don't scold my daughter for that, she can play however she wants.
I think the teachers (which the majority have no kids of their own) get easily frustrated and have no idea how to deal.
I'm a stay at home mom, I've always been the one to take care of my daughter since she was born. She's never been in daycare or has ever had a babysitter. I know what to do in most every situation with her. She is a great kid and I'm very proud of her.
There is nothing I wouldn't do for her, I would gladly suffer all kids of humiliation in order for her to have a roof over her head and am able to provide her with everything she needs. I will gladly go without so she can thrive instead.

Having said that I find myself in deep waters right now, and folks I'm a bad swimmer.
Things feel 1000x worse for me because I suffer from Depression and have an ED. My coping skills suck and I have a bad case of co-dependency.

I'm trying though to change my old ways, it's not easy. I find myself fighting against the current and most drown that way.

When I pictured living alone again, I thought I'd have my shit together by then, that's not the case today.
Still unemployed and have racked up a few bills in such a short amount of time, I'm starting to wonder was all of this really worth it.
What was I trying to actually accomplish here?
Sometimes I question did I make the right decision?
What is happiness anyways, maybe I'm just being too selfish. I should be thinking about my daughter's happiness and not my own.
I rather she be well off and happy than struggling with me.
My mother married my father because he was well off and actually took her in with five kids that weren't his. He gave her everything she asked for and more.
All of my siblings were finally okay.
Yes she didn't love my father or me for that matter, and yes her decision to settle for security instead of love made her bitter and an alcoholic, but is the alternative better.
Struggle or Security?

Is being single and broke a far better choice?
Who's to say that I will ever meet anyone again, or that getting by is okay..
What kind of role model can I be here?

My sister is the same way, she went through a lot and did things just to get by.
She gives me advice now and again on how to make a quick buck, of course that requires using my feminine wilds..
If only I could be so numb, not feel so much or care about afterwards.
I won't say never because being "in need" makes you wake up and get things done wether you like the outcome or not.
I think I may just have to push myself out there and see what happens. I have no choice now, I can't go back to my Husband, I have to prove him wrong. He always said I couldn't make it on my own, and he's wrong. I don't care what I have to do, I'll find a way or make one.

I know it looks dire from the outside, but deep down inside I know with all my heart's certainty that I will be okay. The water's are rough and cold, but there's a lifesaver for me, it's just out of reach but it's there..

I feel strong today in spite of all the hurdles that keep coming my way, I even feel like I can avoid ED today. No b/p thoughts so far. I've had water and a banana.
So far so good.

Okay I'm done, the b/p craving has passed and now I'll take the rest of the day as it comes.


Anonymous said...

I have never commented before but I have followed your blog since post and I are very very much alike in so many ways. I can say, without a doubt, that you are one of the strongest women I know and the love you have for your daughter is so touching to's an amazing thing to be a mother and I can relate to everything you say about your Lil Miss B cause I feel the same about my son. I know you can get through're so very strong...keep your chin up cause good things are around the corner for you. Just keep swimming...:)