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Thursday, March 1, 2012

Leap Year

Whilst Pancake Day was a hit yesterday
..today not so much.
My daughter and I are sick today, real sick.
My sister thinks it's food poisoning seeing as we both are suffering from the same symptoms.

She and I are running fevers and we've actually been in bed all day.
It's late now and my daughter is settling down, I on the other hand have worsened.

Of course I'd feel worse because I've been b/p again today.
Dam I almost made it today without doing that, but some things just got the best of me and now here I am paying the price.
I'm really dehydrated, all I want to do is drink everything.

My weight is fine by me standards..
well today anyways, you know ED tomorrow I could feel like a blimp and hate the world and myself and go on a crazy lax binge or some shit.

I saw "My week with Marilyn" last night.


What is it about Marilyn Monroe, she's so beautiful. I must have seen every movie she's ever made. It's funny that I think her figure was divine and she was 5'5, size 16 and had actual hips and thighs, but I would panic now if I even thought about having a frame like hers, why is that?
Stupid ED, god I'm so sick of it all. It's exhausting, my head won't shut up, it's no wonder all I want is to be alone, I have no room for anything else at the moment.
Feels like forever with this ED..I actually have an anniversary coming up, on Sunday the day of my birth, it's also 3yrs since ED has come back in my life and made me the half the person I used to be. I wonder how much longer I will allow this to go on, what does it truly take to recover, can Rock bottom be the end all?
I don't think so.
Most days I think that there is nothing that can scare me enough to stop this ED.
After I purged today and sat on my couch, everything started spinning.
My heart beat so slowly I could count along with it..
I started to think in my daze what dying would feel like, when will this life finally catch up to me and how will I go out?
Sometimes I think I'll die like my mother, she suffered before she died, bled out on her bed and then slipped into unconsciousness, I wonder if she knew what was happening to her or if the alcohol masked the truth.
She would never win a Mother of the Year award but sometimes I do miss her, some days she was actually nice to me. One of my favorite memories of her is when I was really sick one night and she ran her fingers through my hair until I fell asleep on her lap.
I think of those kinda days and they confuse me, it's an awful thing to never know if someone really loves you or if they only do because it's an obligation.
I don't ever want to do that to my kid or anyone.

Love in any form is so complicated. Makes caring hard, one never wants to get hurt but usually does.
I guess all we can do is hope for the best and be surprised.
A huge part of me wants to be cynical but I can't just yet.
 I can't truly wish that all my Heart would do is just pump blood and that's it..



Boo!
My head is pounding, nothing I take is making this go away.
Today has been the longest I've actually slept in weeks.
 I wish I could sleep the whole day away.
Very soon I may just do that.

Nite all.

2 comments:

josie said...

I hate food poisoning, fast food is so bad for it, too. I get sick every time I go to Baja Fresh, it's no fun. I know what you mean about not being able to stop with your ED. I think a lot about gastric rupture, about how it can be fatal. About how it could happen at any time.... Scares me shitless... But not enough to change /:
I hope you and your daughter feel better soon.
xx

Jenn said...

wow this got me choked up.
I miss my mom too

too. many. feelings
xo