Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Tough Cookie

Yesterday my ex came over to pick up my daughter, from the moment he slammed his car door, I knew he was in a bad mood.
My daughter runs to the apartment's front door happy as can be to see her father.
Earlier that day while I was asleep, she packed her own bag ready to spend time at her dad's house. She picks out her own clothes, she even packed her own school uniform.

My husband has that face I hate, that pissy look that says don't fuck with me or else.
I'm actually putting the finishing touches on my daughter's science project. I take a glance at the table as my Husband enters the apartment and immediately notice the Science packet,
oh shit.
This was supposed to be filled out, it's a lot to fill out.
My daughter didn't get a chance to complete it because the board had to be done first. If I hadn't slept all those hours we would have been finished.
I sigh quietly, why did I sleep in?
I was just so tired and Sunday was actually the first time in weeks that I'd slept so long, obviously this was a big mistake.

My husband is in my daughter's room now and he is raising his voice at her, he's mad and when that happens he takes it out on anything in his peripheral vision.
He says nothing to me and heads back to his car with my daughter's bags, I'm tying to soothe my daughter who looks confused as to why her father is so angry, maybe she thinks it's something she did?

My husband loads his car and heads back inside where he turns to look at me forcefully.
"That project ain't done yet? What the fuck have you been doing all day?"
I explain it all and try not to make eye contact.
My daughter picks up the Science packet and says that it's not filled out.
My ex shakes his head in disbelief and starts the character assassination.
Here comes the insults.
I'm a bad mother, I'm a slacker, I can't finish anything, I'm too busy throwing up all dam day, I'm a drunk, I'm pathetic, I'm lazy, I'm selfish, I have no concept of reality and what it's like to bust my ass all day and work..
My dear readers you have no idea the strength it took for me not to cry in front of this man.
If I showed any kind of emotional response to his hurtful words than he's won and I've confirmed everything he's just said.

He finishes up the attack by telling me that he will not be taking the finished Science project to his home,
"I have no space for that in my house.."
How can someone be so clueless and malicious.
I grind my teeth till it hurts fighting back the tears, my eyes are glossy and I'd wish he just leave already.
I'm so tired of being spoken to any kinda way.
I look at my daughter who's quiet and confused and say a little prayer, not for me but for her. I pray that she has fun with her dad, that she remains carefree and oblivious to who he really is, and whatever abuse is given will always be directed at me and never her.

Yes I know that probably sounds bad, but the truth of the matter is,
I can take a lot of abuse, my whole life has been one giant put down after another.
I've gone from sexual abuse to verbal, physical,
I've had the ones closest to me always hurt me. I could tell you stories that would make you sit quietly and thank your lucky stars you never will have to be in my shoes.
All of these things though have made me who I am today, I don't look back and say I never wish that happened to me.
No, not even the really bad stuff that I will take to my grave. Not even those things that keep me up nights.
If my life never took that turn then I would definitely be an entirely different person instead of the woman I am today.
This is what you call character, it's what shapes you, molds you into something else, you make yourself rise above it.
I could use my past as a crutch and keep crying about it till I'm blue in the face or I could take it with me and always strive to go forward and want better for myself.

He doesn't take the science project, the packet is blank.
I tell him I will fill it out and if her teacher gives her a bad grade then it will be entirely my fault not hers. It's just one grade anyway.
My ex leaves and I'm sad to see my daughter go. She hugged me so tight, her little body fuses with mine as we say goodbye. Our little familiar smiles.
After he's gone I can cry, really cry.

My sister happens to call at that very moment.
I fill her in and she tries to calm me down.
She gives me her point of view on his attitude.
"He's mad because you've managed to do the Science project with no money, you're also hanging in there making the most of it all, he doesn't like that, he wonders why you haven't broken down yet and asked him for help.."
She makes a valid point.
At least I did all I could, her school project is done and I'm sure whatever grade she gets is fine.
I have to just let it all go.
 Let Go and Let God..

So today..
I did b/p yesterday and I also did this morning, all day actually.

No laxatives today.
I really want to but I didn't.
I check my bank account balance and all bills are paid.
I may be broke but I don't owe much.

My ex husband pops up in front of my building around 3pm with my daughter.
He wants to talk to me.
I reluctantly let him in, my daughter is all smiles and says she misses me.
"I wanted to call you last night." he starts off saying.
An apology.
He's always sorry.
Sometimes things that are said or done stay with me. While I am a forgiving person by nature, I'm also aware of what others are capable of.
Once you've chipped away at me in some way, I can't help but put the shields up. I immediately know I can never truly be myself with you, why?
Well, I don't want to hurt like that ever again.. It's sad but there are very few people on this planet who actually truly know me. Maybe I shouldn't put up walls but it's all I know.

He apologizes and then does what he always does, makes it up to me by buying me "stuff."
So today's grab bag, a new microwave and indoor grill.
He gasses up my car, gets me wine and even offers me whatever food I want to binge on.
I accept everything except the food.
I don't need food, I have all I need at home.

My husband takes the science project to his house and he'll fill out the packet so I won't have to.
After I'm dropped off from said store, I start to b/p again. The call of laxatives is there but I decide against it.
After my last purge my right side starts to hurt with each heave and gag. 
This pain is new.
I pee afterwards and its red..blood.
I'm bleeding for some reason, it's not a period.
It's the laxatives I know. I take too many, so many I'm surprised I haven't accidentally overdosed yet.
As I type this I feel ashamed, but in the moment I am untouchable. I don't think of what could happen, I only think of being skinny, or feeling empty, punishing myself for whatever feeling is going through my head, or wishing my hip bones and ribs stuck out more.
I hate that they don't.
It's this kind of thinking that will eventually land me in the hospital or kill me altogether.

I've b/p a lot today, the most I have in two weeks.
My weight is up a little but I'm not panicking yet. I'm not in Damage Control mode.
I feel nothing today, I'm numb.
Not sad, mad or anxious, not happy or loving, I am just here, in the moment, on this day.
My friend thinks I should seek help for my ED, professional help.
I wish I could.
Honestly I don't think anyone can help me. I don't think I'm sick enough to merit help.
Maybe deep down inside somewhere I don't even want it.
Is there such a thing as a cure anyways? I think not.
I'll always be like this, conflicted and challenged, motivated and ambivalent.

That's the way this cookie crumbles.


Peridot (G+P) said...

Wow, she even packed her uniform?? My Mum would die of envy if she knew XD

Sleep is never a mistake, unless you're piloting some form of vehicle. It keeps your brain good and flexible for dealing with random homework.

So when does this high-and-mighty douchebag EVER help with the homework? I wish I had something to hamstring his high-horse with. Fucking ignorant self-important MORONIC BLOODY MALE!!!

Oh, cheers git. Take your bad day out on the woman who was smart enough and brave enough to remove you from her life and then punish your child by denying her her homework to hand in? Useless bloody dropkick. I want to take this man and quietly beat his face in, except it would upset your daughter.

Your sister is right. He's pissed that you've moved on and haven't come crawling back to his "Awesome maleness" *Snort, lol*. He's probably only now realising just how MUCH you did at home. Doing his own cooking, cleaning, washing, dishes as well as working and drinking all the whiskey is probably coming as a massive shock to his poor, pampered system. We are trained to spoil the hell out of our sons and husbands, so they have a really hard time coping when we finally wise up and kick the useless ones to the curb with the rest of the rubbish.

"Sorry" huh? Actions speak louder than words. How you treat people who you consider to be lower than you on the food chain shows what kind of a person you really are.

Peeing blood? Right side? That's either the liver or the kidneys. The peeing blood makes me think kidneys more than liver, but it's hard to tell. (Unless you start turning yellow, of course) This could be something damn serious. If you feel ANYTHING different go STRAIGHT to the Emergency Doctors.

o.O You're more than sick enough to merit help. Honestly, seriously, definitely. However, unless you are willing to accept the help then it doesn't work. They can forcibly restrain you as IP as often as they like and all they'll do is get you weight-restored. I think there is a cure, but that it is different for everyone. (No two people are the same, so it stands to reason that their pathologies and recoveries would also be quite different, no matter how many similarities they share) The recovery statistics for EDs are scary and sad. If Ed's had you alone for too long then nothing can help. (Like Isabelle Caro, like Karen Carpenter, like Jennifer Hendricks. We all end us as one form of statistic or another, I guess.

I like you challenged and motivated, it indicates some level of energy and will-to-live still alive in you. Conflict can help you grow sometimes. As for ambivalence? I'm not sure where I stand on the subject. I guess hesitating at the edge of a cliff is better than diving right off?

In my obsessive reading of the Health,Science and Technology news I found this:
It is so cool that they've FINALLY found out how it works, but so bizarre that it's taken this long. They need more kids at home asking "Why? Why? Why?" so they never stop asking themselves it at work.
This is also very, very cool:

I'm so off to hunt Magic Mushrooms now :p A little old-school remedy time? If only the cops weren't in the habit of checking the pockets of people seen fossicking around Brockville after dark *Le sigh*

Take care, love you <3

Anonymous said...

You are so strong, it just blows my mind. That someone can go through what you have and keep on living and surviving is amazing. I really do admire you, Lou, you inspire me. I love reading your writing, and it makes me so sad to know that I'm not the only one who feels untouchable from her ED. Like it can't hurt, not really.
I hope you're doing well <3