Thursday, March 1, 2012

The Grey

I didn't get much sleep last night, I haven't been getting much rest since moving here.
Living alone is taking some getting used to.
I get incredibly paranoid at night, Insomnia does that to you.
I hear all sorts of noises in my apartment, I feel scared here and very alone.
After hours of being frightened, alone and paranoid, the sadness kicks in and I manage to cry myself to sleep.

I feel very lost, I don't know what my purpose is?

I was just talking to my sister on the phone and we made each other cry.
She started talking about my uncle and how lonely it is now without him around.
He was the only person who would without fail, called everyday to ask me how I was.
I miss my uncle..

I started to tell my sister how I feel today and I made her cry.
She's worried about my depression.
I tell her that I drink every night now, drinking helps me sleep and truth be told sometimes I just want to get drunk so fast and feel nothing quickly. I want to just stumble my way into bed and pass out.

For those who don't know what Depression truly be Depressed, not the
"Oh I feel sad today" then hours later you're jubilant as ever, that's not depression..
They don't understand how the thing can swell inside you.
It makes you unbearable to be around and if you could get away from yourself you would.
No Depression is an awful thing.
It gets bigger and bigger consuming everything you do and everything you think, till you can no longer function or bother caring about anything or anyone. The only thing you do feel is everything at once and it's all your fault, you deserve every horrible thing that's happened to you,
the best you can do is rid yourself of this world and spare everyone you know the trouble.
You feel like a nuisance, hell maybe you are one.
Cleaning up after any mess is exhausting.

I'm glad I have my older sister to be honest with at least, I think she's the only person I can trust with how I truly feel about it all.
She gets it because she's seen me at my worst and knows what it would take to get there. She's also seen me at my best and knows that too.
When you've witnessed the good and bad in someone, you tend to pay attention. You actually see.
There are only a handful who can truly say, I know Lou.
If you haven't seen me at my worst then you have no idea.
That is the thing I struggle with the most, keeping the bad at Bay. I know I should, but I can't help but question why and who is this all for?

 My ED is bad too, ugh today was awful. I've b/p so many times I don't know how I'm still standing.
At one point in the day I actually took a break from ED and went to the hardware store where I actually ran into an EX of mines, well I don't know if I can even call him that seeing as how we never dated.
I guess I can say he was one of many "romps" I've had. He was married at the time and I was not. In any case it didn't last long as those things never do,
but yeah I ran into him and boy was he happy to see me.
He's already friend me on Facebook and a message too.
He's still very much married and his kids are the same age as my nephews.
I know I'm "single" now, but I'm actually going to try my best to not get involved with complicated people. I want simple.
Simple, not married or open relationships, long distance or no contact, in between or undefined..I just want a man who's not a moron and has qualities I look for.
Is that too much to ask?
I think I deserve that, after all the duds I've had, I think I merit someone who will actually return what I put out.

In all my mania, I even tried to keep soup down today, but then purged it after too much inner debate about how full I suddenly felt.
I've binged on so many sodium enriched things that now I'm bloated and retaining, what comes next?
Laxatives are bad news for your heart, but I've managed once again to say to hell with it all, let it be.

Bad day with ED.

I'm looking forward to passing out in a minute,
I need sleep.

I feel so useless lately.
I need a job and something to do other than rot.
I can't have this be it for me.

I don't want to settle or roll over,
I want to keep fighting and pray that good things will keep coming my way.
I want a better life.
I know it's there somewhere, I just wish I could hold on a little longer.
I'll try to fight, it won't be for me of course, but for the little one I care for, the one who keeps me going when everything and everyone else doesn't.

"Once more into the fray. Into the last good fight I’ll ever know. Live and die on this day. Live and die on this day."-Joe Carnahan