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Thursday, March 8, 2012

Little Miss Fickle

I'm sorry I haven't been blogging much this week, the truth is I'm in a bad mood and it's not getting better.
I'm stuck in the b/p cycle and I'm unable to find a way out of it.
Yes I've slowed the number of times to 1-2 tops but I'm still abusing laxatives and drinking every night.
I don't remember how I made 40+ days Bulimia free..
It's frustrating, I'm frustrated.

I've finally finished my Husband's apartment, it's suitable for my daughter to  visit and sleepover. I did the best I could with what I had, it wasn't always easy because although I was supposed to have complete creative control, my dumb ex accompanied me everywhere and had an opinion about everything instead of just letting me do what I do best.
He was supposed to break me off money for doing him this service but alas everyone he's managed to fuck me over once again.
I don't know why I even bother, to be honest I did this for my daughter not him, so although I feel manipulated, I managed to at least make the transition of sleeping over and the separation process be easier for my daughter..I hope anyways.

I saw my older brother this week, he gave me furniture and a belated birthday present, a nice bottle of Rum.
He wanted to take me out to dinner for my birthday but he had to work all weekend long and thus plans fell through.
I was surprised actually and there's a small selfish part of me that is relived, eating out doesn't sound fun to me. I can just imagine the anxiety I would have from sitting there with food in me. My oldest brother doesn't really acknowledge my ED, it's the pink Elephant in the room that we just don't talk about.


I'm not taking my meds again, or any supplements for that matter either.
There's no point really, any pills I take will get flushed out from all the laxatives or purged out.

I want to fast for awhile, if I could successfully do that then I may have a chance at stopping the b/p, but fasting like any other thing right now seems down right impossible.
I feel really stressed out and the more I am, the more the ED behaviors get outta hand.
I'm stuck in a loop.
How does one stop cold turkey?
You can't.
It takes a process and several tries.
I won't give up on myself just yet, I'm trying.
The days feel like they all run together when I b/p and so I've been completely distracted, I start to slack off on important things and set aside my mini goals.

I hate this.

On the plus side I've managed to not lose weight and I'm maintaining right now.
I'm eating a bit more these days, that can either be good or bad.
I sometimes feel like it's okay, then there are days like today where I can't stand it and the Body Dysmorphic disorder is at it's worst.

I wish I could just be okay with it all but I'm not.

Guess I'll try again tomorrow and see how it goes.
Night all.

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