Thursday, April 28, 2011

This boat ride's getting rocky..

Wednesday and I'm still in good spirits.
Tuesdays amazing effects are still felt. The green dress stares at me from the hamper, scented and wrinkled from too much fun.
I still have a little smile thinking about everything and what a good day that was.
In the morning after supps and exercise I'm in the bathroom staring at my body. My lips are a little swollen today, makes me laugh thinking about all the kissing I did, seems like years worth done in one afternoon.
I'm still at 108.8; geesh practically 109 again.
Why does it seem like it's never enough. I have that stupid voice in my head that is telling me how fat I am today. I start to pinch at places on my body that I don't like and sigh heavily in frustration. Seems like no matter what I do, the lard is immovable and permanent.
I need more mirrors in my house, the next available money that passes through my hands will go straight to that. I'm like a backwards narcissist, hating the reflection but unable to look away.
My day is calm until my husband starts to act funny.
He's officially on Child Support now and has twenty days to comply and provide financial records. He's asking me for help; I read the summons he was given and explain further what it is he has to do. Mondays the office is closed so he wants to head over there in person on Tuesday and talk to someone about his case.
Hmm well that is my day!
In the morning I have an app with new shrink and at 11 I see my usual therapist; after that, I can relax and go see my friend.
He thinks I should just come straight home afterwards.
I tell him that I simply cannot change my plans on Tuesday, I won't.
My husband doesn't like this one bit, I can see that thing in his eyes that makes him a bad person.
I'm working on my resume in the afternoon and its time to get my daughter from school. This house is running low on food.
My husband does nothing to remedy the situation. My daughter is dropped off from school and hungry.
I manage to swing Pancakes for dinner and she doesn't mind.
As I'm slaving over a hot stove, flipping buttery fluffy pancakes and dreading the awful smell that suffocates my small apartment and drenches the curtains and fabrics sure to be there all night long and drive me mad, I curse my husband under my breath. I'm bitching to myself.
My daughter from the bathroom, on the toilet calls for me and I set the pan aside and go see what does she need, maybe a roll of paper?
"Mommy there is more to life than just money." my daughter says very calmly to me. She repeats something I am certain my husband has just said to her.
I HATE when he involves her in our problems, she is a child and has no idea what she is saying.
I get really mad now and snap at my daughter, who's fault it is not. I explain to her what money is needed for.
She is quiet and I instantly regret saying anything. Now I'm no better than him, doing the exact same thing.
She's not the head I wanna bite off.
I feel lousy the rest of the day and have a half arsed workout to boot.
I've eaten 2 bananas, coffee and almonds.
I'm debating to binge or not and finally don't. I even go to bed way too early missing a chance to chat with my friend online who was awake and waiting for me at 2am. I missed talking to him yesterday almost entirely, only a short talk in the afternoon right before the Food incident.
He kept telling me how good I smelled and how his clothes still smelled of me, my scent in certain spots on the couch too. It was very sweet to hear.
He also complained of sore muscles and mentioned something about trying to get back in shape, possibly jumping on an exercise bike even lol.
This morning I weigh and I'm back up to 109.2;
In the shower the strange sadness starts and the tears. I hate this stupid feeling, now what?
My husband works early today and he's not talking to me. My car has enough gas to make it to school this afternoon to pick my daughter up. My husband is being stingier with money. I'm used to it.
I'm finishing up my resume, I think I'm sad and depressed again because of all the sudden changes happening.
A possible job, medication and another Shrink, a much needed separation and now someone who gets to see me naked on Tuesdays.
Feels like a lot. I see so many things in my head, everything that I have to do to get going, but it feels like chaos, I don't know how to sort through it all so it can get done?
April has been a strange month to say the least and its not even over yet.
So far all I've had today is 2 cups of coffee and some Apple Fig Bars. I plan to workout in a few, a proper workout, at least 800 calories or more if I can manage it. I'm really triggered but not hungry actually. If I ate it would honestly be a binge, and there isn't even anything to binge on here, I can't and won't touch anything that has to be rationed until my husband decides to throw me a bone. I can manage with coffee and crackers, I still have Protein shakes too.
I do wish I could cave and just b/p, may help my mood.
I won't though, I'll just keep gaining again and I don't won't to go past 110lbs.

I pick up my new glasses tomorrow and I've found a dentist that takes my insurance, I may have to pay something I believe but it may not be much, 
I have no gas to drive there though ugh!
I'll figure out something I suppose.
I'm off to workout..take care everyone!


mags said...

I'm sorry Lou. It sounds like a lot is on your plate at the moment. I wish you well in everything--the husband, the friend, the money, the food. Everything gets so hectic sometimes. Your strength is so admirable (: