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Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Hopeless

                                                                                      Mood:Depressed
10:50am at the shrinks office and I'm sleepy.
Another restless night for me, there isn't a day that has gone by where I wake up reinvigorated, I always have a headache now.
My copy of WASTED lies quietly at the bottom of my purse. I want to whip it out and finish where I left off but I'm afraid someone will ask me what I'm reading..
They will see me and make the connection, then the jig will be up.
Everyone will just look at me and just know, there's the girl who's weird about food.
How simple to just throw me into a category like that, to just assume everything is food related. How stupid and ignorant to even think that about me.
My sister once said to me,
"My body is like Jessica Rabbit; your body is like a stick.."
To someone else that may have been offensive, sounding like an insult even.
Not to me, I smile to myself and think,
I want to look like a stick. I want to look endogenous.
It takes a lot to even achieve that, not everyone can. That is an accomplishment in itself.
I wonder if an outsider can even try to live like I do on a daily basis, do the things I do, think as I do.
I don't think anyone could survive, I sometimes wonder how I manage. I must be part armadillo, my skin thick as armour. I am special and scary all at the same time.
My therapist is running late, she's not even here yet, stuck in traffic I'm afraid.
My case manager called me this morning, he'll see me next week, he's taking me to a special clinic for medical exams and such. He's even looking into my housing case to see what can be done, see what it takes to get me moved perhaps? if not at least to ask alot of questions.
Good news so far it seems..
I woke up this morning in tears.
I'm disgusted and fed up with my body. Why can't I lose this weight.
It seems so simple but it isn't. This depression spell isn't going away and its sidetracking me from really losing, from getting pushed and doing everything I should and more.
The sadness is overbearing, the loneliness I feel is awful.
I try to think back to a time when I was never this way, there is none.
It's a part of me, a part of my makeup. I think it's the thing that drives me and keeps me going, these little sad vacations. These small tearful timeouts. Maybe this is what has prolonged my life even?
I hate the sight of me today, I wish I was dead.
I finish my shower, the hot water never hot enough for me, although my skin is bright pink with burns.
I guess I keep expecting something to burn and fall away, maybe the old me, revealing a new hopeful one. It never happens.
I have coffee brewing and check the calender today to make sure there is school-yes there is!
I find parking this morning and make my way over to the crowded entrance. Moms everywhere, most seem happy, normal even, jobs and lives that go on after this. I take a look at myself and feel pitiful. I don't even come close.
My daughter is sleepy today and can't stop rubbing her eyes. She hugs me alot this morning and sneaks little smiles at her friends passing by.
To be so little and untarnished, to love someone entirely and trust them. To love your Mom no matter what, even if she's always sad and quiet. I wish I could love like that again.
I look over at my crush who looks very thin and tan today.
I think his rosy cheeks are from a beach filled weekend. He has a fresh haircut and shave. I wonder if its all for a woman?
Could be, men have it so easy, they have to just point and pick, they can say I chose you..
Sometimes they want more than one even, and there lies the trouble.
It would be lovely to enjoy a day at the beach, but I can never enjoy going anywhere without working it out first in my head.
I'm a bore nowadays.
My daughter is finally inside the school and I'm off back home to get ready to see the shrink.
A banana and a bottle of water are in my purse.
I wait in the cold office for an hour. My husband is off somewhere, surely home asleep.
How lucky to sleep, how rich that must feel.
Finally I'm called inside my therapist office and we begin.
Our talk seems fast today, maybe the time seems that way to me because my mind is so preoccupied.
She is all smiles and positivity today and I both love and hate it.
My insurance is back on and reinstated in 45 days, my therapist tells me this means she will not be with me any longer, they will switch her, I will see a new shrink next month. I don't like this one bit.
It makes me not want to invest time in her, makes me think what is the point.
She won't prescribe me anything yet, more sessions, more talking.
I feel hopeless, as I listen to her go on and on about me changing my way of thinking, I think to myself,
My God I am doomed.
She even gives me a worksheet of mantras and things to start the process.
I know she means well and I'm sure all of these things she says mean something to someone who can grasp the material, but I cannot. I nod my head and agree to it all. After our session I walk downstairs and out the building, round the corner and start to sob where no one can see.
I cry into my hands and feel alone and hopeless.
I have no relief.
I know that this is only our second session, and I need to keep going back, I know that this will work.
I cry because part of me is in denial, there is a part of me that is scared to get better. What happens afterwards?
Can I really live again, I've been sick so long, I know nothing else, will I even know what normal feels like, will I be able to recognize it when it happens?
I cry because she has hit nerves, she has given me tools to start getting better and I'm scared to start using them, because in doing so means I will have to hurt others. I will have to put myself first.
I feel both free and trapped all at the same time.
I know the things that I have to start doing but my feet feel like they are embedded in cement.
I let the anguish out for a little while more and smoke a cigarette. The head rush is relaxing.
I call my husband to pick me up.
"You're done already?" his tone sounds mocking to me.
Come and get me, I have to come back next week.
As I wait for my husband I stare across the street. There is a Publix and a restaurant that sells food by the pound.
I only have 3 pitiful dollars on me. If I had more then I would be binging.
Rice and Meat, or any other plate, soda too.
I have none, nothing to do now but stare and wish. Mia can make it better and worse, the cycle could start again.
I'm glad I have no money for once, temptation stays as just that.
My husband picks me up and sees my distress.
"Did she make you cry? What did you say?" he asks in that same tone. I know he's curious, he wonders what my secrets are. The months of silence, the harboring of another life I lead.
I tell him its the depression, I tell him nothing.
It's private, its mine and I deserve it.
I'm done sharing and caring; the question and answer portion of this program are over.
I'm less dehydrated, I pee so much now, it's great. I'm hungry so I have some chicken noodles. It's 240 calories a packet, I have less than half of that. I drink water with it and maybe a cup of coffee later.
I don't know if I'll have anything else.
I just want to taste something salty and savory today, a hot meal.
The rain has started now and it's nice. Feels like my mood. If I could nap I would, but I'll workout instead.
I'll read the worksheet later and try to let it sink in. I feel ready to get better.
I will get over this depression too, I think very soon.
I will be okay this I know, I always am. I will push through the problems and find my strength again.
I will lose this weight too. I know I can, I have to just apply myself, I am my own biggest obstacle.



3 comments:

mags said...

This post made me tear up quite a bit I'm afraid. You have a daughter and a family that loves and cares about you, and you keep pushing on for them and the little bit of hope you have in yourself left. Please stay this strong. You'll see it through til the end and get better. I just know it <3

Thanks for being so inspirational to me, on an emotional/physical/mental level. You deserve it all, my friend.

unbeautiful said...

I love to see that you have hope for a better future even though it scares you. I'm scared too. I don't know what life will be like without depression. I know how scary it is to go to therapy and have to learn a whole new way of thinking. It's tough but you have the right attitude and you have amazing strength to do it. Keep fighting.

Peridot (G+P) said...

Yup, YouTubes a bitch. I'm probably not gonna make a video this week, since I've lost my freakin voice! D:<

I'm going to find one of those print-out-and-take evaluations online somewhere and see if the GP can refer me to someone for a proper evaluation. It hasn't escaped my notice than whenever my Depression scores are low, the anxiety ones go through the fucking roof!

I think the only time I've ever had a shower warm enough was house-sitting for my uncle. Bitch makes a mint (Fucking accountant!) so they have gas-heated hot water. Dial a temperature and purrrrrrrrrrr!

Enough of that rambling!

Today sounded like it was a bad no-energy depression hole of a day. *Massive cuddles* This shit passes <3

FUCK the others, PUT YOURSELF AND YOUR SANITY FIRST. If they're good mates, they'll understand. If not, they can go get tentacle raped by a syphilis-ridden giant squid!

On the other side of the rabbit hole there is a life that isn't filled with this up-and-down rollercoaster of moods and has more time for the fun things in life. I've seen glimpses of it sometimes, so I can say that it is there. Just don't know how to reach it. It's definitely worth the effort and tears and skinned knees it takes to get there.

Lots of love and hugs to you. Kia kaha!

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo