Thursday, April 21, 2011

I'm Tired..

I'm sorry for not blogging yesterday, I'm really tired guys.
Let's talk about Tuesday..
I woke up in the morning at 109lbs grrr!
It could be worse I guess, I'll settle for 109. I had to see my therapist and so I got ready and headed out. Our session ran longer that I'd like on account of her being late. I like her, she's a total scatterbrain. She's bubbly too and is incredibly encouraging with my current Life Goals. I will miss her terribly when they switch her. Our session ended a little bit past noon, afterwards I had the whole day to myself.
The day off from the usual routine that awaited me at home. I was off to see my friend today, I was nervous. This was someone who I hadn't seen in person in years, a friend who I had become close to this past year and had even shared an attraction to. He and I were going to hang out and catch up in person this time, as for the pool? Well I'm on my period so that's out!
The long drive I'm prepared for, I have a thermos full of coffee, a Powerade in the cup holder, 2 ripe bananas and a bag of RedHotts candy. I eat the fruit and drink the coffee the minute I sit in my car after I step out of the Shrinks office.
Here we go, the calories adding up (200+100?) I made the coffee with creamer today. I silently panic and feel like going back home. I can't do that though, I've already agreed to go see my old friend. I check the directions I printed out from Mapquest and start the long drive.
My heart is beating fast and my breathing is shallow, I hate this part, the conflict in my head that is not understanding why I'm eating, why I'm ruining the recent loss. In my purse is a bag of candy, I reach for it and open it. It says 60 calories for 18 pieces? I start to pop the spicy red candies in my mouth. I drive carefully and continue to nervously eat candy, God my weight will go up so bad right now, why am I eating this, my stomach will bloat, I'll look fatter!
I shouldn't have agreed to see him. Is this a mistake?
On the way there, my old friend calls and I'm in the vicinity finally, hearing his voice is nice, makes the panic go away, but doesn't help the butterflies in my stomach.
I make a left instead of a right and I delay our face to face by five more minutes, he's joshing me about my knowledge of left and right, we're laughing. I find his house and he's outside waiting for me. I made my therapist cookies, in our last session she said she'd loved to try something I baked. I told her I would bring her something. When I gave my shrink the baked goods, she obviously couldn't accept them, something about ethics? She's not allowed. I knew this but wanted to show her that I came through anyways..
I'm shown the kitchen at my friend's house after explaining where the cookies came from, he offered to take them off my hands since I refused to eat them. I set them on the kitchen counter and when I turn around my friend is staring and makes a remark..
"Wow you're skinny."
I want to smile but instead feel embarrassed. My weight is not an issue, I politely steer clear of any discussion involving that, he makes further remarks like, "You're Model Thin; You're in Shape.."
Despite that we're all smiles for the rest of the day. No pool, but plenty of catching up and unwinding. There is a sexual tension between us; lingering touching and intense stares in between conversations. I ramble and so does he, the talking never stops, I'm nervous and continue to eat the candy. I stay for four hours, time flies. As I get up to leave, I'm asked not to go, I tell him that I will come back next Tuesday, this makes us both smile. On the walk out I have his arm around my waist. I turn to hug him goodbye and he kisses me. I pull away surprised and decide that I want to kiss him; so I do. I stop after he moves his hands down my back and grabs my ass. I can feel his erection. I smile and remind him that I have to go home, so I leave. In the car the inner turmoil begins again, I have no idea now, the lines will now be blurry between us; I panic thinking about having to be naked in front of someone, god my body is a mess. I have a long ride home and I'm dying to weigh. I'm sure I've gained three pounds from all the crap I ate.
The drive home is quick and I come home to an empty house, I hurry and undress to weigh...109lbs! what how can that be?
I'm overjoyed! I start to laugh and stare at my body in the mirror analyzing all the flaws. Would someone else see them too and be as repulsed? Intimacy; Sex? I haven't been down this road in ages, I don't know how to do this?
I workout and eat a 60 calorie soup. I head to bed early avoiding Mia making it two days officially.
I get a text on my phone and you'll never guess from who; give up? It's my very small penis failed blind date/setup lol!
Oh my God, why is this idiot still texting me! I ignore his calls. My husband and daughter come home from the Park and he doesn't ask many questions about my day off. He's giving me space and privacy. I feel no different looking at him, another man has kissed me today and I feel nothing even. The kiss was awkard and I'm not sure what to make of it, I'm more worried about my body and what he would think of it if he saw me naked. I haven't worked in the other feelings that come along with sleeping with someone. I'm more concerened about my weight. Is that normal? I should be gushing over a kiss right? Is that what one does after someone crosses into your personal space; I'm not? I keep replaying the moment in my head, but it's different, I see moments like the arm around my waist and what he must think of my waist, I think about how big I would look naked, am I worth seeing naked? Ugh why am I such a weirdo!

Today is the book fair and the food I've prepared is cooked, so are the cupcakes I made. My favorite story as a child was Where the Wild Things Are..

I get a text early in the Am from my friend, he wants us to go see a movie on Tuesday when I come to visit. I agree.
My weight is at 108.6 this morning. I don't understand? I should have gained, I should be heavier. I go back to bed after dropping my daughter at school.
The Book Fair is today and I couldn't be happier.
We arrive early to find parking, but not we're too early and my husband is thirsty. We walk to the Publix by her school and he gets us donuts and milk. My daughter has Lowfat Strawberry and I have Vanilla. We all have donuts. I have no idea how many calories I've just consumed. I'm worried now.
The fair is fun and we all had a blast.

After the end of the Magic Show was over with, we headed home.
My husband and daughter ate at the Book Fair, plates of cooked hot food, plenty of Carnival sweets in between. I had a diet soda and prayed to the Weightloss Gods to take pity on me for my ingestion of Donuts and Milk.
I haven't weighed, instead I'm blogging and dozing off. I'll deal with the consequences tomorrow.
So this was my day, great despite the awful feeling of crying I have now over possible gain.
Tomorrow an Easter Party and then who knows..
Oh and no puking today either! so Pooey to you Mia..
Uploaded some vids from the bookfair: here are the Links and one more..


Jenn said...

Those cupcakes are SO AWESOME! You're like, a wizard or something for making those.

I got a lovely thrill reading about the kiss and flirty fun. Thanks for that. I don't think you're weird for worrying about your weight. But I do want you to give yourself permission to enjoy all you've accomplished. Don't let your disease steal the joy too!

I do that too. I undress in the middle of the day several times and look in the mirror. I can't believe all my dreams have come true. Then I notice all the fat bits and I'm sure I can get rid of them, but but but but.... I still have stretch marks and those never go away. ya there's a million negatives I hate. lets make a pact to pick a day where we just feel good and ignore all bads.


Anonymous said...

yay for no purging! glad you had a nice time at the fair and with your friend. i think your reaction is normal towards this guy... i don't get all giddy either, i guess we're just totally mature or something ;)
i hope your days continue to be mia-free
take care hun.X

Jenny said...

Those cupcakes are SO cute.
I wish I could do things like that.
Congrats on not purging too! That's awesome!
<3 Jenny

unbeautiful said...

Those are kick butt cupcakes!

Mich said...

I'm not surprised you lost--some cream and red hots is practically nothing!

Are those the cupcakes you made?? That's amazing!!

You're not weird--I feel like I never react the "right" way to intimacy either. So mostly I just never bother with it at all. Go you, having a hot fling! :D

Hope you have a good weekend. <3