Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Oh Happy Day!

Monday was a bad day,
I was suppose to go clothes shopping with my niece early.
She over slept and I got triggered. My husband short changed me on some money he promised me, even making me gas my car out of pocket. I was really mad. I went shopping by myself and ended up buying a green dress and really cute sandals. I came home and B/p 3x.
That was yesterday..
Tuesday today and its a fresh start and a new day.
109.4lbs today and I feel better.
I wake up at 6am and start the morning exercise routine. I see my therapist today and thought this would be our last session. After dropping my daughter off at school I come straight home and talk to my big sister for an hour before getting ready for my "day off."
I wear my little green dress and new shoes, my makeup is done and I'm perfumed and pretty. I set the alarm for my husband, enough time for him to wake up on his own accord and get my daughter from school. He was making plans for us to go out later, random errands and b/p for sure if I'd stay home. He's forgotten that Tuesday's will officially be my day to go out and do whatever I want with my time.
I find parking at the Publix across the street from my Shrinks office and pray that my car will be alright. I survey the parking lot for any spotters that may tip off a Tow Company and get my car in my absence, I see nothing. One last look back at my little yellow car and I'm off to see the shrink for much needed venting.
In the lobby and my bubbly shrink arrives, she's bright eyed and happy.
"Hi! you look so pretty today.." she comments on my outfit. I feel pretty today, a little self conscious at first concerning my outfit choice, seeing as how I never really dress this girly, but it was one of my New Year's resolutions after all..
We head into her office and the venting starts.
Good news all around, apparently she has been checking on my case and my insurance will allow me to keep seeing her!
I am so happy.
We talked about everything and even now as I'm writing this, I can't stop smiling. Today is such a great day I can't even begin to put it into words..
So many images are filling my head and I'm at a loss for words. Nothing but feeling is engulfing me.
My anxiety and panic attacks are discussed and I mention to my shrink how I would love to go to a group but know of none. She immediately lights up in delight and next week we will find one for me to attend!
I'm in such good spirits that I even mention my insomnia to her, I also made a comment on how tired I am of my weight. I tell her how disordered my eating has become. She tells me that I look normal and fit even,
I continue to drop hints about a possible eating disorder, I go one step further and show her my Driver's License.
"This is not you!" she is stunned at the picture.
Instead of concern, she sings my praises and wishes she was on whatever diet I am on.
I drop the subject. I'm not ready to tell yet. I will, but not yet.
She suggests I find a General practitioner and get myself checked out, make sure its not Thyroid related..
I laugh internally and decide to go ahead and do that too. I'm referred to a Psychologist at her office so I can get my meds finally, I see him at the beginning of next month and even on the same day.
My visit was overall good, and I feel better getting the weight of the Ed off my shoulders for a minute.
After my visit from the shrink, I'm off to see my old friend to catch a movie.
I can't drive fast enough to see him. I stop by my local Dollar store and buy candy, I'm searching for Red Hotts, instead buy Hot Tamales and a sack of Almonds, I grab a coffee also from Dunkin Donuts and continue the forty minute drive to see him. The reason for the eating was so I wouldn't have a noisy tummy in a quiet setting.
I end up getting there quicker than expected. I'm greeted by a huge smile and roving eyes.
"Look at you!" he eyes me up and down impressed I assume on how nice I look. My face is flustered and the blushing never stops, neither does my huge smile which he constantly says he loves to see.
 I walk over to him where we pause and smile at each other before he bends down to kiss me.
Inside his empty house and our movie plans our cancelled. I knew this would happen so I grabbed a few DVD's from home and a huge Cheddar Cheese bag of popcorn from the dollar store. I'm not planning on eating this of course, it's more for him really.
He suffers from anxiety too and I suspect that venturing out into a social setting would be too much for him. I honestly don't mind. The b/p from yesterday left me pretty tired. I wasn't really bummed about not being able to sit in a dark cold theater for two hours in silence. I mostly just wanted to spend time with him.
He knows about my eating disorder, hell he was even online chatting with me as I was binging yesterday, he is very curious and has always been supportive. He wants me to get better and likes it when I try my hardest to fight off the Bulimia. I like that we have no secrets between us. I like that I can be honest even though he may not fully understand. I think it's better that he sees it through an outsider's perspective, may help to keep me in check. It may help keep the delusional thinking out. I need an honest opinion about my looks, I want to make sure what I see and what I actually look like can be distinguished.

The talking between us last for about an hour before we decide that it's enough.
The rest of my time there was spent doing something else.
First time sex between two people is always awkward, I'm really out of practice.
Sex and an Eating Disorder is strange, while I tried my best to get into it, I kept worrying about my body really. He likes my misshapen figure, he likes me.
Let's get the first one out the way I suggest, the buildup between two persons who have been so sexually attracted to each other is funny. In the end though we had a nice time, the second act was way better, we were more comfortable and the rhythm became more relaxed.
I didn't worry as much for the second round. He made me feel comfortable, he made me feel desirable and normal. My body and the way I felt about it were shelved for the time being.
I didn't want to go but it was getting late.
I'm walked to my car where our goodbye kiss is long, I haven't kissed anyone this much in years.
 I drive home stopping by a gas station and putting gas with the money he so kindly gave me to fill my tank. I get more almonds from the store and eat more candy. The candy serves as a distraction and made kissing tasty today. It's better than mint flavored gum. He rather enjoyed the cinammon flavored kissing as did I.
I arrive to an empty house, my husband is not here, gone off somewhere with my daughter, the park I assume.
I shower and workout.
I step apprehensively on the scale and I am shocked as it reads 108.8!
The day gets better.
So to sum it up, I keep my shrink, no Mia, I get laid, and I lose some weight.
Next Tuesday I see him again.
I'm having a glass of wine and my husband arrives home, he is all smiles and so am I.
I don't feel guilty looking at him, I feel relief. I know now that this is what I truly want, to move on, move forward with my life. I want to be free, I want to be happy like this always.
I have no idea what the future will hold for me, I know that I'm tired of throwing up my food. I am tired of crying for nothing and being depressive and panic ridden. I am tired of being miserable and unpretty.
I won't push the Ed related topic further for my therapist, I'll let her connect the dots and ask questions if that is where it leads. I will continue to exercise and eat more calories. I will try not to lose weight, try not to make that my only goal in life, because there is more to my life than just that. I can see that now.
Instead I will go forward, if I lose weight than so be it, in the meantime not going over 110lbs is good. I will try to just to that. That is the new goal to never go past 110lbs.
I won't lie and say that the itch, the desire to keep getting thin is not there, I may always struggle with that, but it is my own struggle an no one Else's. I am trying to love myself, trying to love this new skin I inhabit.
I will try to take the pressure off by just eating a little and trying to avoid anything triggering. I will try to avoid b/p at all costs.
I'm scared of what life will be like without the constant rat race that is Disordered Eating, but it is something I think I should wanna strive for too. I should want better things for myself too; not just bad, not just misery and self loathing. I am not a bad person, I want greater things also. I want to be positive and keep believing that things will happen for me, that positive rewarding things will touch me.
So maybe I'm too happy today and I know that I won't feel like this everyday, but for today I do and I welcome it. I welcome the happy.
As for the guy, well I won't jump the gun, I'm just living in the moment, enjoying the moment. I don't like to plan or make assumptions. I don't expect anything. I just want to take it slow and one day at a time. Whatever happens happens. That's all I can do, otherwise I'd go mad.
Otherwise I'd give up and give in and then where would I be?
Goodnite everyone, I hope tomorrow will be as great.
I can't stop smiling...


Anonymous said...

That's brilliant! I'm so glad you're doing better (especially since you had a crappy Monday.
Ten gold stars! Super pleased.
xoxo evm

Emry said...

So glad you had such a great day! And super yay that you get to keep your therapist, one that you like & get along with so well! :)

mags said...

omigosh Lou! I'm so happy for you! You sound genuinely happy and hopeful for your future, as you should and as you deserve to feel.

Peridot (G+P) said...



Lol, lots of people want on this "Diet". Everyone who is on it wants OOOOOOOOOFF!!

WOOOOOOOOOOOT LOU GOT LAID!! YEAH! You go, girl! About fucking time you got some decent action ;) Hot sex is also a great calorie burner, but WHO CARES?!? Orgasms and endorphines RULE!!

Setting yourself a range to maintain for a time is a good thing. I did that last year, from ACDC to December I stayed btw 58kg and 60kg. Now I'm trying to get beck there after all the bingeing I've been doing with nobody around to see me eat D: FML!!

Keep smiling, hot stuff! You deserve to :D

Jenn said...

SO MUCH good and fun news. I am so glad to hear it!

Sex is my favorite drug and workout. And it is SO GREAT with hubby these days as we are both in the best shape of our lives. I'm so glad you're having fun with your friend :-)

Lou, I've heard you mention "chipmunk cheeks" I never knew what you were talking about. But I think I'm getting that a lot lately--what IS THAT? Big bulging glands in my neck it's gross and not pretty. Do you know what it is?

AKA 'Krystal' said...

lu - im so happy u had a wonderful day! im really happy ur visit was good and u will not only get to keep the therapist but also that u r thinking of discussing the ed... the best part is that u r happy though and that u r kicking ed's ass in the meantime!

unbeautiful said...

This is such a kick-butt post!! I love how positive it is. You seem to really know what you want in life and you have steps in place to get there. I'm glad things are working out for you and I hope the positivity continues.

Moonlight Mistress said...

Yay for getting laid! That's always a good thing...