Tuesday, March 29, 2011



Today is a fresh start.
I'm up and ready, off to school.
My daughter has her trusty red hat to distinguish her kindergarten class from the bunch of others and she's excited.
I've gone carefully through all the rules with her over breakfast, her fruit loops slowly sinking into the milk.
She knows what to do in case she gets lost, she knows to stay with her teacher, and not stray from the class.
She has a ten dollar bill in her pocket to buy souvenirs or food if she likes. My daughter is excited to head to the fair.
I weigh before coffee is drank and supps taken.
Ladies and Gentlemen..110lbs again.
Now I can breathe.
From here on its work, work to come down and stay there.

 My daughter is dropped off at school, which was chaotic today,
 a sea of different colored hats everywhere and buses blocking the streets this morning, I parked far away. The school is like a hive, everyone buzzing. How exciting to go away for the day, to do the daily routine differently. The students and faculty are everywhere.
My crush looks extra tired today, someone had fun this weekend. He tries to sort through the madness, somehow he always manages to make eye contact with me, I won't lie and say that this doesn't make me happy. A small window everyday where I feel pretty and special, even if for a second.
I head back to my car and pull out into the long traffic ahead.
I have a very important errand to run, Shoes for my brother.
I drove in good spirits to a strip mall that I frequent, there I would hunt down a perfect pair for him. New Shoes for a new start.
This week will be different for us all.
After combing the strip for a complete hour I finally found a store that had too many goodies.
I avoid the book section entirely, I could spend hours there and potentially blow all my money, the written word is my addiction.
I find what I need and then some..
A blue chair, comfy, cozy and helps so I don't sit on my spine anymore, love it!

My brother's shoes, now he can walk proudly into a job interview. I really hope he likes them, they were bought with love. I hope I can somehow transfer all the good intentions and positivity into them for him.

Finally a kitty cookie jar, why?
Because it looked so sad sitting on the shelf alone, it needed a home and so I bought it for three whole dollars.
It may never hold tempting cookies, but clutter will suffice I think.
When I return home, I have more coffee and get to cleaning up.
My phone rings and its none other than my new Therapist.
She is calling to confirm an appointment. My heart drops as I talk to her and my hands get clammy. Why do I feel so nervous suddenly?
I feel small.
I will see her tomorrow at noon prompt.
I'm nervous now, I don't know what to say to her anymore, I've rehearsed all the topics and problems in my head numerous times, and now that the time has come, I have no idea what to say.
Am I sick enough to deserve therapy?
How silly does that sound.
I'm scared of rejection, I'm fearful of abandonment, and most of all, I fear the unknown.
After chatting with my good friend for a bit, I get dinner started.
Spaghetti and Meatballs today, fast and simple. The thought of regurgitating pasta gives me the chills, I have no desire to eat this.
I decide to do more crunches and work up a sweat before another shower.
My husband is out of bed and getting ready for work, I nap for an hour and dream about rambling to a flower that nods it's colorful buds side to side, to and fro..
My daughter is picked up from school and is talking up a storm.
When asked what did she buy with the money that was given, she smiled wide, she bought food.
Sweets and soda, forbidden sometime snacks. She went all out, I had to laugh.
I've seen my brother after he got home from work, we talked for awhile and he loved the shoes. I'm happy, there is no feeling other than weight loss that makes me happier, to do something selfless for someone else.
"Eat something woman, you look like a stick!" my brother eyes me up and down.
As he says this to me I feel the total opposite and wish my stomach were flatter.
In the midst of our conversation I am having the worst cravings for something to eat. I wish I had rice or meat or anything. As I head home with my daughter, I'm grateful to now truly be broke. I have no way to even start a binge, no money, no food.
I can't eat just anything, I need the right thing I want, and so nothing is done there, and Mia is silenced for another day.
Yesterday I mentioned that I got a tiny piece of my dignity back, a small victory for me.
Remember my little naughty web cam escapades, well I've stopped them entirely. I've spoke to this friend of mines and told him how I feel. I don't want blurred lines anymore, he should do me a favor and just be my friend. He has a girlfriend, a woman who he loves, so love her and leave me alone.
She knows he and I talk, but I don't think he was ever truly honest with her about me. In any event I suspect she's a little bit curious about me.
I've drawn the line in the sand now, he can't see me or use me anymore.
The purging of people begins.
During our chat, there was one thing I didn't like that he mentioned, something she said about me, something along the lines of what is it with this girl, is she obsessed with you or something?
Hmm, I believe that's the other way around, Mrs. Piggy.
Your boyfriend can't keep his hand off his dick when I'm on screen..
So I honestly believe the two of them had a good chuckle at my expense. I'm sure he led on in that comments direction.
Today I decided to take a picture, I posted it on my Facebook.
New week, new me.
We'll see who gets obsessed now..

It's about time I put this wreck of a body to use.
I may not be much, but I'm thinner than most. So look at what you will never have, and as for her. No competition, I'd rather be dead than fat.
I'm 110, she's 160 if not pushing more.
I win!

So my lovelies its been a slow day, I worked out the coffee, that's all I've had today. I have a huge headache and I'm dizzy still. I try to walk slowly and not make any sudden moves. Tomorrow will be the real challenge, the Therapist.
We'll see how that plays out.
I'm hungry but I want to be skinnier more.
Last night I was trying to upload this video, for some reason or another Youtube was being a royal pain, so now I've finally uploaded it. It took almost all of today!

Hope you all are good, I'm off to bed now. Have to prepare myself for the shrink. I can't wait for tomorrow, I want coffee and crunches for breakfast..
Nite all.


Jenn said...

wow! lookin smokin hott sexxy!

Anonymous said...

Love the idea of a collaboration channel-- I've been trying to make a vlog now for a while (my laptop doesn't record sound), and if I get it working, I'd love to join in!

Peridot (G+P) said...

Good on you for regaining some dignity and some fucking pride in yourself! :D Keep that line there, love. It will come in useful. Hes stuck with the sow now! Muahahaha! XD

Box is in the mail. I will understand COMPLETELY if you never want to wear the hat outside of the house. Just saying. I'll still need a photo of you in it for my album on FB, though ;)

I love that kitty cookie jar! I've got one with fish skeletons all over it and a little black fishie handle on top. When I'm too lazy to bake stuff it hold my low-cal soup packets and vitamin drinks. Your kitty looks like it should be hiding an Aladdin's cave of random buttons and beads and such things ^.^

Before you go to the shrink, you should do a "Marya" and write down the things you want to talk to them about. That way you don't forget. Lol, who gives a fuck if they think you're crazy for taking notes! Have you read Madness by Marya Hornbacher? You totally should! Her talking about acting "Plausibly Sane" sounded so damn familiar I thought she'd read my mind ^.^;

OMG that poor guy. Total flashbacks to Mum when you mentioned the belt. Its a bloody awful situation to be in for a man. The judges will always be on the woman's side, even when they shouldn't be!

Fuck YES collabo-channel! DETAILS!! You're Project Mistress on this one, lol. I do better when I'm not a figurehead. And DAYMN do you have the figure! :D *Is jealous*

So, um, yeah. Lol, sorry this is all over the place. Had a few drinks at my bro's dinner then Hope dragged me all over the Warehouse by the pinkie. I'm surprised its still attached!

Sleep well. Good luck tomorrow! *Sends good vibes*

Mrs. Donae said...

Your attitude is Fantastic doll!! You pumped me is a fresh start! Your also being so productive! BRAVO for you!

I hope your daughter has a blast. How freakin adorable!

CONGRATS! 110lbs is fabulous!!

I'm addicted to the written word as well. I love just being in book stores lol! I'm diggin the blue chair. I said it in your last blog but I'm gonna say it again, your such a sweet heart to do that for your brother! Karma is on your side my dear!

I'm glad the kitty cookie jar has a home now. It's too adorable to leave!

It's fantastic your seeing the thearapist! I know how hard it can be but I always work myself into a panic before my appointments and when I come out of them I feel soooo much better! I hope the same goes for you luv. Just keep that head up. Your strong enough and yes, of course you deserve it! Shit I think everyone should have one! Problems or no problems lol!

OMG women! You look amazing in the pic!!!

I FN LOVE your vlogs!!!!!

Anonymous said...

That's awesome your back down to 110 pounds again! That's really nice of your for getting some shoes :) I hope your new therapist works well for you- don't worry about what you're going to say, I'm sure when the time comes you'll be able to talk about what's on your mind with her. I hate cravings- especially cravings to want to binge- and having no idea what it is I'm craving or money to buy what I'm's annoying :/.

Silhouette said...

I'm glad you've silenced mia. Congrats on fasting and the 110!! Keep going girl! :)