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Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Ed

                                                                                            Mood:Tired
At around 7pm and the water is finally hot.
The maintenance men have completed their workload and have installed a new water heater. All the tenants clap as they gather their tools and load the truck leaving for the day. I watch from my window as they go. I cut my faucet on full blast hoping that knob with the capital H will finally put a smile on my face. The water is cold at first and then Luke warm, I get a little bit impatient, finally the scolding water comes out and I've never been so happy to receive first degree burns in my entire life.
I've been working out all day long. My weight has not gone up, but it hasn't gone down either.
I believe I've figured out how to maintain.
I consumed a whopping 800 calories yesterday, the majority of it is a new shake I'm trying out. It's 280 calories per serving, loaded with Protein and Amino Acids.


The rest of the dreaded calories consisted of fruits.
I managed to avoid b/p completely, I struggled all day with wether or not I should, but in the end not only was I dead beat, I had no time to do it period.
I lost hours of sleep again last night, I spent the majority of the night in worry and trips to the bathroom, pissing out all the leftover liquid from the day.
This morning I awake with a huge headache, sore, sleepy and tired. The clock says 5:45am..
What wakes me up is the voice loud and clear, a familiar voice that I haven't heard in a long time. It tells me to drag my large ass out of bed and go weigh.
My weight is the same, only moving down a tiny bit.
I am disappointed and feel like crying, I don't know how to lose this weight anymore?
As the tears stream down my face now, the voice starts again, this time shouting at me-STOP YOUR SNIVELING, STOP BEING SO WEAK!
I wipe the tears from my face and start to workout. I try not to look at myself in the mirror.
My exercises are forced, I feel new aches in the familiar routine.
-YOU FEEL THAT? THAT MEANS YOU'RE DOING SOMETHING RIGHT FOR A CHANGE IDIOT! the voice barks at me and I nod my head in agreement.
In the shower now and I can't help but look down at my jiggly stomach and the sobbing starts again, how did I let this happen?
_GRAB THAT FAT! FEEL THE MESS YOU"VE MADE OF YOURSELF!
I comply and the mass is pinched, my thighs too. Suddenly I feel like Jello, a giant flesh colored one.
The voice is a man, it's Ed and he is mad. He is always mad at me. He is stern like a drill Seargent and tells it like it is.
Mia is cowering in the background, all she can do is tempt me with the Binging and Purging, get me to gain.
Ed is vicious and hurtful; He pushes my body, he isolates me from everything.
Men have always been the ones to bring me down and ruin me in some way, why does this happen?
It's because I never see it coming, I somehow have become Chum in the water, attracting Predators. I float in the bashing sea of life and am picked off.
I've managed to always be there for men and give my all, be the friend, the lover, the mother. I get nothing in return except cheap vain validation, and then more of the same.
Here I am pulling a disappearing act and no one could care less, looks like I'm not worth stopping or faking concern over even.
Ed is right, I am weak.
I'm allowed coffee today and no fruit. I'm told that I must do exercises, tons..
Apparently exercise is the key, my body has gained and so Ed tells me that it will come off slowly, that I must try to distribute the weight evenly instead of losing it so fast. This will help with the lose saggy skin, my problem areas.
-YOU'VE MADE A MESS OF YOURSELF, NOW I HAVE TO FIX IT! YOU CAN'T DO A THING RIGHT GIRLIE!! LORD HAVE MERCY WOMAN!
Ed tells me that isolation is the key too, looks like I'm easily distracted..
-IGNORE THEM ALL GIRLIE, CAN'T YOU SEE ITS JUST YOU IN THE WEEDS, NOBODY GIVES A HOOT ABOUT YOU, WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO GET THAT THROUGH THAT FAT HEAD OF YOURS!!
LEAVE THEM WONDERING, LEAVE THEM GUESSING. HONESTY AND DEPENDABILITY ARE REWARDS NOT REQUIREMENTS!
YOUR TIME AND ATTENTION ARE EARNED, MAKE EM' JUMP THROUGH HOOPS FOR YA!

I need sleep, that's another requirement, I'm told do nothing, sometimes staying still is action enough.
_BE STILL, JUST LAY DAMMIT!
My stomach hurts, the acid is too much and I want to purge the coffee already.
I can't, if I start that then it will never stop. Mia doesn't make you lose any weight at all, all I get for my trouble is bloating, hair loss and rotten teeth.
The insults are justified, I've screwed up. The one thing I could do so well is out of reach for me lately, I was at 102lbs! how did I ruin it?
Look at me now.
I'm pathetic.
-YOU FEED YOUR ENEMY'S FIRES, YOU GIVE THEM CAUSE TO CELEBRATE. TAKE CONTROL AGAIN, I'LL SHOW YOU. I'LL TEACH YOU, YOU'LL GET A BACKBONE EVEN IF I HAVE TO SHOVE IT DOWN YOUR THROAT GIRLIE!
Bootcamp day 3. I will learn to restrict again, I will learn how to lose this weight again.
I didn't take my daughter to school today, my husband even woke up early and did so before I even asked.
My husband has been pretty quiet these days, I guess he sees the change in me, the storm that's brewing.
I wasn't kidding when I said I needed ME time..
I hate that I have to isolate myself, I don't like ignoring anyone, but I need this weight off. I have no one else around me going through this.
 I feel so alone. Feeling alone and actually being so are two different animals entirely. To feel alone means you are going through struggle and conflict without empathy, to be alone actually validates the feeling of emptiness. I am surrounded by people, they may not understand my plight, but being disordered is my problem. I'm the oddball who has issues with food and trauma. Eating Disorders are taboo and laughed at at times, it's been taken as less even though its one of the most deadliest of illnesses, capable of taking lives.
Help is hard to obtain and so is recovery, it's hard to want that when it suddenly becomes all you know.
I can't begin to think about getting better anymore, not now. I don't deserve to. Look at how fat I've allowed myself to get.
Being pushed to the finish line is what I deserve, it's what I'll accomplish.
Something has to give.
With Ed by my side now, I may just be able to do this.

Time to stretch and get going, according to Ed I have to keep moving..
-IF YOU HAVE TIME TO LEAN, THEN YOU HAVE TIME FOR A NEW EXERCISE ROUTINE, MOVE!

This weight will come off alright, even if it's done kicking and screaming. What else would you do, if this is what you really want the most, wouldn't you do everything in your power to obtain it. You're all that stands in your way. Go for your goals, who do you expect to do it for you?
♫Take that leap of faith, no one else can jump for you..







5 comments:

Mrs. Donae said...

YAY! HOT WATER!!

I like your plan and nice job on not b/ping!

I'm sorry about the lost hous of sleep. I know how horrid it can be! I hope it gets beeter.

I'm going through a very similar situation with working out.

LOVE the video

mags said...

Don't let Ed take you down that way. Confidence is extremely difficult, but when we try to grasp it, it usually gives us the courage to not give up in a positive way. It's so hard to be positive when you're told that you're fat, and it's so hard to work for yourself when you're not positive.

Of course, I struggle with the same thing... ish. I don't nececarily have a voice in my head. More like an alter ego that motivates me. Her name is Kaity, and she's always a reminder of what I COULD be.

And yayy hot water is working (:

jenny said...

this is such an inspiring post. i'm sorry you feel alone. i feel the same way, but sometimes its good, because you start to realize that you don't need others to achieve your goal.
however there are times you need people there for you. for example,
i'm desparately trying to stop purging, but i can't seem to. this post has inspired me, if you can do it, then so can i.
all my lov darling. xxxx

Ariana said...

Glad you have hot water again! I've found that we're more thankful for something after we've discovered how much we relied on it. And I must say, I really like your writing, it's like I'm reading a book. Your motivation is very encouraging. That would be good if there was a different voice in your head, one that's different than the drill sergeant. One that's yelling words of encouragement to you. Instead of telling you how bad your screwed up, the voice could say, "Yes, you've messed up, but you learn from your mistakes, you pick up the pieces, and you keep going. When you mess up, never look back but keep your eyes focused on the future and all the things you can accomplish here soon! Mess ups are all apart of making you stronger!"
<3

Peridot (G+P) said...

ABOUT FUCKING TIME for the hot water!!

Also: Fuck being the chum. Become one of the sharks. Actually, I picture you as being kinda like a TRex. Scary, smart and strong. The Momma you don't wanna fuck with. You're likely more elegant, slimmer and speedier. Hmm, you're one of the raptors, sleek with the disemboweling kick and gorgeous plumage.

Haunting are creepy. Ms Taylor would be welcome to come hang for a bit, though. Maybe she could teach me how to make money and have style.

Love you, Lou!

<3