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Thursday, March 24, 2011

Tired

                                                                                        Mood:Sleepy
I have a headache, I'm tired and sleepy.
Ed is relentless, he keeps pushing me. I've just worked out and am drinking a hot cup of coffee.
The extra thick, super sugary creamer alone has now added up to 140 calories. I need to find the energy to burn that off too in a bit.
It never ends!
I don't know how anyone doesn't go insane counting all the calories. I get exhausted just logging on to LIVESTRONG and keeping track in addition to a tiny food journal I have. My memory is shot and I try to remember it all.
I did a shake today and a banana. This coffee would be my second of the day. I'm down a pound and that makes me sort of happy, except that I feel fat. I hate the way I look. I feel ugly today.
I've managed to drop my daughter off at school this morning, got a glimpse at my crush who wore a red shirt today, he shaved that stupid beard off his face. He shot a look at me and even took a second glance, things like that make me aware of the gain. I look different.
Most people like it compared to the supposed "thinner" frame I had before. I wish my stomach were flatter, then maybe I wouldn't care. That's not true I think. The number on the scale matters to me. I need it to say 100 at least. It doesn't of course..
Losing this weight is hard. Eating is hard.
This new shake is good, doesn't have any Turkey in it.
I eat fruit also and drink water. Sometimes I'll have some crackers or yogurt. I have to count everything. I try to stay at 500 or under if I can pull it off. I drink coffee galore. The heat it emanates is nice. I really want to eat soup but I'm scared of the sodium and that I'll retain. Ugh this is hard.
I have to workout so much and try to burn it off. I have no energy. I'm more tired now than if I've been purging.
Haven't b/p today either, you think I would be jumping for joy but I'm not, there is no time to celebrate now, too much work to do still.
I've been a bit sentimental today and I hate the reason behind it.
I must confess I have been secretive and naughty..
There is a man in my life whom I've been making time for (who doesn't deserve it btw) and although he's back with his ex girlfriend, the same girlfriend who dumped him, he and I still chat. While she was out of the picture for some months, he and I became incredibly close, so close in fact that we almost slept together. We didn't of course because she came back in the picture and he pulled a disappearing act on me for almost two weeks..
Now he's back and I've been talking to him more, sometimes we even Cam just like the old days (clothes don't stay on for long on a webcam?) he's even called me twice now for actual voice contact.
He still "cares" for me, or so he says. I don't want a relationship with this person, I think I just like all the attention he gives me.
In any event, I haven't heard from him all this week?
He watches my Vlogs and doesn't like it when I give into Ed and Mia. When I stop talking about recovery and such. I think maybe he saw Sunday's vid and took it to heart when I said I wanted to be alone. I don't know?
I hate that this bothers me, he's obviously and dick, makes me feel like I'm not interesting unless my clothes are off.
I hate that I'm back here again, that I'm reducing my self esteem and self worth again-for a man.
I half wish that he would go away for real this time, maybe this week could drag out forever, this-him is Triggering.
I wish I were stronger. That I could say Fuck off Asshole,go back to your Fat Girlfriend you picked over me and let me be.
I can't even fathom saying those words.
Ed has been helpful at least.
He's making me stay away from him. Thank God for Ed, I know he's hard on me but it's what I deserve, a kick in my now big butt!
So today has been okay despite my exhaustion, my Case Manager paid me a visit.
They gave me a new one (grr a man-typical; sea of dicks I tell ya!)
and he's going to help me with whatever I need. I see my therapist in less than a week.
I'm looking forward to it.
My daughter got her class picture today and my husband called me from Big Lots to tell me he bought a nice frame for it and even a new blender for me since he sees I'm doing the shakes again.
Wish he buy me an Ipod Touch since my old one never worked again despite you lovelies suggestions for the rice.
I need music when I work out waaaaaaa!
God I'm starving, I'd love a banana right now but that would mean another hundred calories to burn off.
This sucks, I tip my hat off to you girls who can restrict, you are Goddesses!
My brother was suppose to stop by for a visit, hope its not too late I may head early to bed tonight, want to avoid a possible binge. I'm craving so bad, would give my left boob for a thin crust Pizza right now, I would even eat a Little Cesar's pizza and I hate that place.
Thank goodness I'm broke so that's out the window.
I hope you all are doing well, good luck to us all.
Wish we would just all wake up 10lbs lighter tomorrow, but unless we're on a space shuttle in zero gravity, I don't see that happening.
Oh I joined PrettyThin today.
Anyone on there wanna friend me?
I'm  ladikaat69, that's also my yahoo IM and email lovelies in case you need a buddy, have to leave me a message though so I know who's who cus I get so many requets from Porn Bots it's ridiculous!

Stay strong beauties and Vlog tomorrow!

5 comments:

unbeautiful said...

I'm on PT too. Same name as this one.

Mich said...

Hope you're not working yourself too hard. You must have some stamina, tho! I couldn't burn off all the calories I eat; I think I'd drop dead. :/

Hope you have a wonderful weekend! <3

xoxo

Peridot (G+P) said...

Hunt me down on PT, my screen name is "Peri". Although, I'm not on very often. I tend to get pissed off at all the kids trying to get an ED for Prom and log off for a few months ^.^;

Ouch, what a sausage-fest of assholes over there! Isn't it weird how all of our problems start with men? MENstrual cramps, MENtal breakdown MENopause etc :p

I've been in the calorie counting groove on FitDay for longer than I've been blogging. 3-4 years now. It's become a habit to remember what I've eaten and how much so I can log it. It's horrible, I don't remember outings or conversations much, I remember the food :( I guess thats what happens when Ed makes you his bitch.

Lol, I have a sneaky suspicion this hat will make your head look like an easter egg or something. Don't wear it outside during a zombie apocalypse or the undead freaks will be all over you like Samoans on KFC!

I'm sooooo looking forward to your Vlog after work tomorrow! It's like a reward for not flipping out and shanking the customers XD

Love you, doll. Take care of yourself <3

Peridot (G+P) said...

P.S.

You can has awardings too <3

danae said...

wow i haven't been on PT in months, i don't really have any interest for it really. i didn't find it very supportive or as friendly as our little blogger community. it's really great you haven't purged, please feel proud of yourself for that, it's a great accompishment. even the satisfaction in that may lift your spirits?
shop on ebay for a new ipod, may give him the incentive to buy a touch for you if you find one way cheaper than a brand newy. i really really want a touch, though considering the one i have now is still in good working order i cannot validate the need for a new one. take care love. are you vlogging this weekend?