Last night around 2am, a nightmare got me out of bed.
I dreamt with three of my siblings, I awoke scared, and sweaty. I didn't want to go back to sleep. My thoughts flashed back to both my father and mother who passed away only after all of my brothers and sister were in the hospital room, we all got to see them pass. I thought if I fell back asleep I would die, seeing 3 out of 5 family members made me weary.
I stayed awake doing crunches and going online.
Time is strange now, things are strange. The months are flying by too fast. I have no idea what to expect for me. I think change is coming.
My birthday on Friday came and went. I ended up caving around midnight on Saturday, a healthy binge apparently, plenty of Yogurt and Salad. Sunday, I was so mad at myself I b/p until I was exhausted and sleepy.
Monday I was fine, I was able to stay away from the awful b/p cycle. I was out all day long with my husband and daughter. We stayed out shopping and I got goodies to mail out to my very lovely Fellow Blogger/Vloggers. I won't say names because I want to surprise them hehehe..
I'm loving this mailing business, reminds me of my younger years when I used to have Pen Pals. I like the idea of actual people somewhere far away actually caring enough to take time out of their day to do something for someone else. I like connections.
This morning school is back in session for my daughter, her short lived mini vacation is up. I'm pretty tired this morning, the bags under my eyes dominate my face today. How I manage to function is beyond me, I b/p and over exercise, eat nothing and don't sleep. Why can I take I so much abuse? Why can I endure more than most? Am I the epitome of the word survivor?
My daughter groggily wakes up. The morning is cool at 68 degrees and I'm dressed in all black to keep warm. All the b/p has made me feel cold again. My weight is back down at 109 this am. Looks like Mia is trying to woo me back with promises of 1lb a day loss. I hate being tempted, I know it's a trap.
I'm nervous now as I pull up into the school, I park a little far away and walk with my daughter. I start to remind her that she must behave in school, we go over the rules again. I hope all goes well for her today, she has to play catch up, missed loads at school.
As I walk up to the entrance with her, my paranoia kicks in and I feel eyes on us. I'm sure her absence has been accompanied by gossip. There are many moms here who love to stand around and talk long after the kids are well inside the classroom.
My crush even stares at us. He looks good today, shaved those stupid looking sideburns and beard, got a haircut too. He's wearing blue today, blue is a good color on him. I hate that I still get butterflies in my stomach when I see him.
I kiss my daughter goodbye and head back to the car.
Today I have to go Shrink shopping, go to clinics that I've researched and have been referred to and ask questions. Maybe I'll get lucky, maybe I won't.
I get home and my husband is still asleep, its triggering of course.
I'm not his mother, he should wake up on his own accord. He knows what it is I have to do today. I'm incredibly nervous and my body trembles today. It's not sugar, it's pure nerves. I'm scared, scared of rejection, scared of being turned away.
I get the coffee going and straighten up the house a little before waking up my giant Man Child/Estranged, Triggering, Enabling Husband.
"Why didn't you wake me up sooner?" he mumbles from under the covers.
It is sooner I tell him. I'm not in the arguing mood today, have bigger fish to fry.
The first stop is a clinic that I was referred to by a woman I met at Workforce, she told me this place is the best and will help me quickly. I'm so nervous, my chest starts to hurt. I'm suppressing the panic attack. I have two bananas and a bottle of water in my purse. Plenty of gum and Orange Tic Tacs too, everything safe for me to eat in case my imagination runs away with me and I attribute every ache and sore with the ED.
The clinic is near my home and was incredibly easy to find, ample parking and a friendly guard who seemed all too eager to help.
I enter the crowded cold lobby and I am greeted by a huge security Guard.
"Someone will be with you in a moment." he says while eyeing me up and down.
He stands firmly by the door, I have no idea what to make of him. He is a tall, muscular man.
Six feet of trouble if you don't follow the rules I bet. I look around my surroundings while waiting behind a plastic partition. Posters for Suicide and plenty of rainbow colored pamphlets, Substance abuse and Suicide seem to be the theme here, I start to wonder if I'm in the right place.
The woman behind the clear wall is seated in a black simple chair with wheels, she is on the phone and notices me. She raises her hand and motions with her finger that she will be right with me. There are a few other people seated in the waiting area, my husband has a seat and looks around summing up the place. The receptionist is ready but I was not. She has a dead eye, I almost didn't realise she was looking directly at me!
I try my best to focus on the good eye, yikes I was not prepared for this.
My insurance information is taken and I'm asked what brings me here today..
I'm in the wrong building. This office is a crisis center, if you're suicidal or a danger to others, this is the holding pen. I can see now, doors that are locked and small windows with metal netting. Looks like somewhere I wouldn't want to be.
Regardless of my confusion, the staff go ahead and start my case. The woman was right, they do move quickly.
I'm shown to the office I'm supposed to be at, next door, the lazy eyed receptionist opens doors through a hall with keys, other doors are buzzed and this suddenly feels like a tour of a mental hospital, I pass by doors that say cafeteria, and quiet room. Rules and murals adorn the walls. Hmm Crisis indeed.
In the proper building now and I'm given stacks of papers to fill out on a clipboard. My husband sits quietly next to me and reads his Daily Devotional that was brought along in case of a long wait. He stays quiet throughout the day I might add.
The forms are thorough, Medical history, Symptom Checkers, Family History too. I've never been so glad to see so many worries on paper. I check off everything that bothers me. I am called by name rather quickly after I return the clipboard to the front desk. I'm to head to registration, colorful chairs and ten minutes more await me..
A rather large man named David calls me into his office. He is handsome despite being about 30lbs overweight.
I love his accent, he sounds just like Javier Bardem. More paperwork to fill out and I'm asked for a picture Id. Uh oh here we go...
He takes my Driver's License and makes a copy, he does a double take of course.
"Is this you?" he asks smiling wide at me. I turn red with embarrassment. My picture is awful I was 180 lbs on that picture; too many chins and a round face, the horror!
I nod my head, I can't speak.
"I need the recipe to your diet." he says and smiles some more. If he lost some weight he would be quite the looker.
After he makes that remark, I picture in my head this man bent over a toilet bowl, purging. If he knew my secret would he do it too?
How desperate can one be to attempt something like this. How sad can you be.
I'm sure lap band would be better and the more sane way to go. He wouldn't want to trade places with me, no one should.
I'm told after all the signatures are done, I'm to head upstairs and meet my new case worker. I'm in awe of how quickly this is going, should I be worried?
Upstairs is what he says and I think we are headed high, instead we are in an elevator just up to the second floor, I laugh quietly to myself after we get off our stop, the stairs; why not just take the stairs?
More sitting now and behind another locked door, the keys to my kingdom..
My case worker is a young Brunette, my guess 36ish, she is beautiful and has an average build. She smells like over priced perfume. Her simple wardrobe and black flats lead me to believe that she is humble. I think she genuinely likes what she does for a living, one of those I care about you kinda people.
I'm asked about why I'm here and she starts to diagnose me.
I'm either bipolar or have a borderline disorder, not too mention severely depressed and agoraphobic. My social phobia and anxiety bother her. She wants to talk to her supervisor, a face to face as she calls it.
Now we head down the green carpeted corridor, all the plants here are plastic, how odd.
Her supervisor is a tall man, a shaved, bald shiny head and the bluest eyes I've ever seen. He speaks softly and very reassuring to me. He sounds like John Malkovich.
I further explain again what I'm feeling and he and my case worker exchange psychologist lingo.
The supervisor tells me that I will get medication for the depression and anxiety, in addition to a psych evaluation for the possible bi polar/ borderline disorder. My case worker will assist me in any financial matters that I need.
Everything I hear is music to my ears.
In two weeks I come back and meet my new therapist and the healing begins.
I hope the Eating Disorder can stay hidden, I would hate for them to out me and just focus on that.
The ride home is pleasant, my daughter is picked up and my water and fruit are consumed. My husband wants to celebrate by heading to a buffet. I decline and he is mad. I explain that I prefer to stay home. He leaves with my daughter and is clearly upset. I'm triggered now and tempted.
I b/p 3x today. I'm tired and my weight is now at 108.6, I don't think that will last. I'm drinking lots of liquids now and I'm sure to retain.
I still feel like b/p some more. I'm headed to bed and hope to stay put. No late binging please.
Overall a good day, I'm now in the system, I'm well on my way to some kind of change. I hope this is for the better.
Tomorrow a new start and no more b/p.
Time to start minding my manners, don't want to draw attention to my Ed. I have to keep that hidden for as long as I can.
Back in the closet you go skeleton, quiet now.