Thursday, March 10, 2011


Yesterday I woke up tired and didn't want to workout, but I did at 6am.
I always manage to find some kind of energy.
In the shower now and I'm crying, I don't know why I feel so sad?
The fit lasts for five whole minutes.
Tuesday's high and great mood after the Shrinks office has left me today. The melancholy is back and I can't stop it.
I'm suppose to go to the Optometrist today, I need my eyes checked. I've been squinting a lot lately and my eyes sometimes hurt. Whether this is all Ed related, I have no idea.
I wouldn't be surprised if it was, the honeymoon is over with Mia, now comes the breaking up bit, where I'm trying to end it and everything gets ugly and messy.
My daughter's first day back at school was fine, she was asked by her friends why she missed so many days, but that was the extent of it, she does have a lot of work to catch up on I'm afraid. She's learning about weight this week in Math, kilograms, grams, pounds..
I don't think I ever learned that when I went to school, my how times are changing.
My husband is dead asleep as usual, I don't know why sometimes the mere sight of him makes me so mad? He's not doing anything wrong but sleeping after a long day at work, why do I feel this way?
I've dropped my daughter off at school and I'm tired. The yawning never ceases, I'm not sleeping well these days, too many nightmares and fears of dying in my sleep.
Back home now and I lay back down in the bed. I am craving really bad. My weight is at 109 again and I hate it. I should be grateful that it isn't more, but I'm not. I'm never satisfied, I have that voice inside me that wants to lose it all again. I should be careful with my weight now, very soon I will be under a microscope. Can't get too skinny too quickly, bad for business.
My nap makes me feel better for about five seconds, now I remember why I don't sleep as much, gives me a massive headache. How can people be so still for such long amounts of time? I go shower and afterwards lay back in the bed just for a minute, my knee is really hurting today, it hurts to walk now, hmm that's new.
I closed my eyes for a second, when I opened them again it was past noon and I missed my appointment. The rest of the day went downhill from there. I don't even remember most of it. I can recall my husband telling a story about something that happened at work and I'm tuning him out. I pity him and that's wrong of me. I'm not a good person, the way I feel towards him is awful. I want him to be okay, for us all really. I am going to end up breaking his heart, this makes me sad. I don't want to hurt anyone.
I have no idea how this marriage will end, it won't be pretty.
"I know you're not well, that's why I stay, I won't turn my back on you." he casually says to me.
This was the trigger that started it all, the pity, the sadness, the feeling that I'm scum.
I b/p 3x. The last purge was the one that got me, my sugar dropped and I was on my ass in bed. I was dressed in my workout gear ready to go, but my body had other plans. A buddy of mines happen to pop on my Messenger and calmed me down. I was glad to speak to him, he's become understanding lately instead of scolding me like before. I think the Vlog and Blog help others understand some. An insight into my disordered world, a keyhole into the next room.

Today my alarm goes off and the three hours of sleep I got are up.
Time to make the donuts...
I am real dizzy today, my morning workout is dragging and I have to stop, I shower and all I can manage to do is wash my hair. I lay back in bed and feel no better. I ask my husband to drop my daughter off this morning.
I drink water thinking its dehydration but I'm afraid its not. I don't feel any better, my head aches and I feel congested slightly. The dizziness is too much, I'm bedridden today. My friend seems to think its Vertigo, I have no idea, could very well be. Dehydration has never done this to me before, so I'm convinced other forces are at work here.
My eyes close on me, I've slept most of the day. I've only had water and a banana, Gatorade too. My vision is so cloudy even.
Looks like Mia is punishing me good for trying to leave her. She gives and she takes away.
I've suffered burns and bruises thanks to her this week.

She is so dominating in my life that now I am trying to hide her again. I'm keeping her safe from the therapist. She is my security blanket and no one can take her away. She makes things better and worse, she's killing me. How can I keep up the lie, the thing will eat at me, I don't like secrets.
I'm trying to hold on a little bit longer, maybe the meds can quiet her. I don't want to b/p tomorrow, I just hope I feel better. Next week is my trip and there is much to do before then, tomorrow I am on the hunt for luggage. I also want to send some care packages out. Leave everything done up nice in a big red bow for my husband. Hope my kitties don't get too sad without me.
I don't feel excited about the trip yet, once I start packing, then maybe it will all sink in. I'll be taking this show on the road, Mia in full view, everyone knows. I hope I can fast or just restrict, wouldn't want to b/p on vacation. I'll still blog even if its late and plenty of videos (sis got me a Flip Camera for my Bday!) in between. Some will be posted on the blog, the others on my YouTube channel. Don't wanna spam eveyone's dashboard.
I'm really tired today, has anyone ever had days like this?

I'm off to bed now lovelies, I can't keep these peepers open anymore..


Peridot (G+P) said...

Sweet dreams, Lou!

I hope you have a good vacation. Lol, I'd totally keep you kitties company if I lived closer.

maybe you're getting a cold or the flu? GAH I hope not right before going on holiday. I'm hoping it was just a 24hour lurg.

Love <3

starvingartist said...

Have a great time on vacation! You deserve it!

I hope you feel better though....

Mich said...

Good luck luggage shopping, and I hope you have a great vacation!

I'm tired all day, every day; but to be honest I don't even notice anymore. It's just "normal" now. :/

Keep fighting Mia. You can win in the end. It's a war, and no war is over i a single day. Look at the Crusades--they lasted like 100 years?
I know you can win. <3

Mrs. Donae said...

Hollo!! I actually started watching you on youtube and found your blog link on there as well!! I just think your adoravle and so honest with your ed. I also have a blog here if you wanna check it out...we have lots in common :/ good and bad lol!

I'm really sorry your feeling so melancholy :( god do I know how that goes! I'm also sorry your feeling sick. I'm glad your daughters 1st day back to school went well and YES the times are's scarey lol! Don't beat yourself up over the hubby thing. I can't help but do the same with mine :/ I'm also sorry about the bruises and burns doll :( I can totally understand because "Ana" works the same with me...bitch! I hope your trip goes GREAT!

I'm always tired. Not even caffeine helps anymore!

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