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Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Boot Camp

                                                                                                Mood:Fat
12:15 am and it is officially Monday.
My husband walks through the door and I am nervous, he is honest when it comes to my looks and would tell me for certain that I have gained a ton and I look "plumply."
Instead his sudden smile is profound. He is incredibly pleased to see me.
"You look so good, yeah stay like this. You look normal, not dried up and weak anymore." he laughs and stares at me in amazement.
God I'm fat, the gain is incredibly noticeable!
I wish I could bury my head in the ground like and ostrich.
He and I start talking about my trip after he showers. There is no hot water in the house, his shower was just as fast, he didn't bother heating up any water.
I need this weight off and can't wait to get it going.
The gain is most noticeable in my thighs and butt. The majority has gone there. My thighs and the gap that I so desperately worked hard to get is almost gone. My butt thank god is not wider, so no hips; but it actually sticks out now. I wouldn't mind keeping the thing except the minute I start losing, that would be the first thing to go. It wouldn't last and I have no idea how to keep it anyways?
My face looks fuller, my cheeks plumper. This I hate the most.
Its Monday morning now and 6am, first day back to school. I've started boiling water for the tub, my poor daughter has a pretty bad Eczema flare up, this no hot water business is not helping. I start to do exercises. I am in bliss!
I've missed working out.
Coffee is made and time to start the morning routine. My husband actually wakes up too, I'm surprised.
At school now and I'm nervous to get out of the car, I feel so fat, and I'm sure its all in my head but I feel as though people will look at me and see that I've gained weight, maybe even judge. I especially don't want my crush to see I've gained. The first day back to school is hectic and crowds are everywhere, I walk past parents very quickly with my head down and drag my daughter along. The stress related rash on my neck is coming along nicely, red and itchy-hate it.
I manage to sneak past my crush who's growing out his beard again. He wears a blue shirt today, and he looks great. I kiss my daughter goodbye and quickly dash back to my little yellow beetle.
I've been gone for a week and haven't heard from my shrink, I have no idea if I've missed a phone call from her office, I can't rely on my husband for an accurate answer, he sleeps way too much. I decide to go in person and check in.
The visit was pretty quick and thank goodness my shrink will see me in another week. My case number is given to me and I'm officially a patient there. All is well. This makes me happy, I feel like help is on the way soon enough.
I want to dedicate all of my time to bringing the weight back down, I don't want to get sidetracked. That can easily happen with certain people in my life. I need to re prioritize my values also. I've been falling back into a secretive pattern and I don't like it. I'm always there for others but no one is ever there for me. I'm always left holding the bag.
This week though I want to stop all of that, I want to ignore everyone. I don't want to be seen, I'm embarrassed about my appearance. Boot Camp it is, I have to be hard on myself, push my body. I deserve it. I will never be happy unless all of this gain is off. I can't take the day off at all this week. This is my new mission.
Monday and I've managed to consume 600 calories throughout the day, I have to work it out, burn the calories off and do so the entire day. Repetitious regimes that last almost all night.
Haven't b/p at all and the bloating has gone down by morning.
No hot water on this lovely Tuesday morning. I've called all sorts of agencies on my Landlord.
A letter is posted on all the tenants doors, an "apology" for all the trouble as if that makes it any better.
My weight is the same, no gain at least. I've taken Fiber and supplements. I've slept in today. I woke up at 6am as usual for exercise. I've had trouble sleeping last night and am really tired as I rigorously do the same routine. I don't feel like dealing with the outside world today. My husband is off and I ask him to take our daughter to school.
Its noon and I've made a protein shake and eaten fruit.
300 calories consumed and I'm not looking forward to working out. I'm tired but it has to be done. I feel like b/p to try to bring the weight down. I haven't yet and am still unsure. It may change things, then again it may not, could make me gain.
Mia is a tricky one, you can never fully trust her.
I haven't been very pleasant today, pretty quiet for the most part. I feel heavy and lazy. I think its the food I've eaten and the added weight. I no longer feel light and thin. I hate my reflection in the mirror, wish I could be someone else.

I'm trying the food journal again, this time I'm also using LIVESTRONG. I need all the help I can get.
I have no idea how long its going to take me to get this weight off, but its my sole mission. I feel bad that I have to isolate myself, but for some reason I feel as though a big change is about to happen. That being said I'm going to throw my tarot tonight. I want to know what's upcoming.
There's nothing more to say really, I'm not in the best of moods and that won't be changing anytime soon.
I hope this hot water mess gets resolved soon, that's also contributing to my foul demeanor. Can't catch a break I guess.
I have no idea how to restrict again?
It's been ages since I've been here, how much is too much, how little is the same?
What is it going to take to see results?
ABC?
Can I trust it this time.
Should I even attempt it?
Maybe I should again. Maybe I will. I just hate being alone doing it, but in the end we all are alone, there is no dual victory for any of us. The number we carry is our own, we cannot share the loss, not even the gain.

I'm off for more exercise and then I have a cold shower to not look forward to.
Grrr!

5 comments:

Jenn said...

I love Livestrong. I used it at the beginning of my weight loss and it helped A LOT. my problem is I started purging a lot and for a while I would just put .25 as a serving size on everything I ate that I purged. But then I was binging WAY over my calories for the day. and I just got super crazy with my b/ping. so well right NOW (yesterday, today, and tomorrow) I'm doing this juice cleanse and not really counting it in livestrong. but starting on Thursday I'll log everything and we can be buddies on there kay xo

Silhouette said...

I hate how men do that. My father is the same way. He tells me your gaining weight or why are you breaking out so bad. It sucks not having a but. I went to this plastic surgeon and he said they can take fat from other places in your body and put it in your but cheeks. I hope the big change you feel coming is a good change. "I just hate being alone doing it, but in the end we all are alone, there is no dual victory for any of us. The number we carry is our own, we cannot share the loss, not even the gain."-I'm stealing this I've never heard it better. I will quote you. No worries. haha :)
Have a good work out.

mags said...

ABC has helped me tremendously. I lost 5 lbs last week alone because of it. Now I've started over and I hope to have lost another pound by tomorrow...

It's screwed me over once, and caused me to gain. I think it depends on where your motabolism is at for the time.

I'm sorry about your landlord being difficult :/

Peridot (G+P) said...

I've been using FitDay, but I'll check out LiveStrong too. It looks cool!

To get a nice, muscled ass do glute&hamstring exercises. I'll post up some of the exercises I've been taught by the PTs for core&hammstrings.

ALSO: Walking up&down hills. AH-MAY-ZING for the ass. I get compliments on my ass and it's all down to living at the top of this town's NASTIEST hills.

Thank you SO MUCH for the red bracelet. I've been wanting one for ever, but too scared to buy one. This is a VERY small town, after all >.<

Faaaaaaaaaaaaarck your landbitch need an ass-kicking. Lol, next time the All Blacks are up your way I should bribe them to pay him a visit XD

I'll have a hunt around for a nice hand cream or something that might make your rash feel less itchy. That one of the few good things about NZ: Land of the Sheep. Lots of top-quality lanolin for lotions -.-; Do you have any allergies I should be aware of?

I'll Vlog when Miles fucks off to work tomorrow or Friday. Cabaret tonight, woohoo!

Kia kaha, lovely!

Mrs. Donae said...

My situation with my husband is so similar! I know how hard it can be. Hang in there doll!
You honestly look beauitful luv!

That's fantastic that your getting help from a shrink!

You seem so aware of yourself and patterns. I think your boot camp mission sounds great! Your doing a fabulous job! I'm going to go check out LIVESTRONG!

I hope things get easier...I do the same with isolating myself :/

I hope the landlord "stuff" gets cleared up. I'm so sorry about the cold showwers, but hey you might be burning more cals!