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Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Uncertain

                                                                                       Mood:Torn
Yesterday I tried to not cave and give into the tedious demands of Mia.
I failed of course and was even triggered horribly.
To my lovely sister, I am sorry to inform you, you made me feel bad yesterday. I know you probably didn't realize at the moment because we both are so brutality honest, but you made me feel fat. Your comment on how I looked better at 105 just confirmed what a huge fat ass I've become now at 110lbs.
I hate that I'm at this weight and it's hard to lose it again. I have to work twice as hard to figure out a way to shed this.
I've gained horribly, looks like Mia is punishing me for trying to quit her.
I don't like the way I look, my clothes still fit and there really isn't much difference in my appearance but most days all of this feels like the opposite. I feel overweight.
I b/p of course yesterday, I felt horrible about my appearance. I don't know how to do this anymore. I binged on cookies which I wanted to hurry up and eat so I turned the oven too high and totally forgot about them. They burned of course and I burned my hand trying to take them out before the damage was irreparable. So burnt Peanut Butter cookies and coffee it was in addition to 2 more b/p sessions.


My birthday is Friday the 4th and by this time I thought I would have been 90lbs by now. I was a fool to think that. I am now 20lbs overweight. I can't seem to shake this?
I'm not ready to maintain at this weight.
Yesterday I think I've spoken a total of twenty words max to my husband. We did not fight or anything, but we speak less and less, or rather I do. I don't even watch T.V much anymore, the DVR has tons of recordings, we have stacks of DVD's bought and still wrapped in plastic. I have lost interest in most everything. I scour the internet for exercises and weight loss supplements, anything that can even help me budge one pound if any. I have become obessesed, I think I have become my Eating Disorder.
I want to avoid people again, not look anyone in the eye anymore. In the mornings I avoid my crush like the plaugue. I have stupid notions like I'm fat, hence no one will like me. Or this person is not talking to me because of my gain. Its rediculous thinking, but it is the way I'm wired now. I start to think about the way I treat people or lack there of and it makes me feel bad, I feel like a bad person. I know things with my husband are undefined, his affair just reminded me how unlovable I really am. How not worth considering I am.
Even though he has disregarded me, I can't help but pity him and how cold and absent I am as a person.
He has no idea what to do with me so he enables me still. Yesterday he brought me Sesame seed crackers and Sharp Cheddar cheese, my absolute favorite thing to binge on now.
I went to bed exhausted and wanted to start the day differently. I am now binging again.
This morning as I was brushing my daughter's hair, she would not stop talking about birthday plans.
She would ask me questions like what kind of cake did I want, or what kind of presents?
She said she had a surprise birthday card for me, although in telling me what it was no longer makes it a surprise lol.
As she went on and on about my birthday Friday, the sadness came.
I had to choke back tears, I thought to myself, My god, how can this little child love me?
Doesn't she know her mother is awful and unlovable. When will she learn this?
I can't belive how someone so little can love so unconditionally. Why do we lose that, when do we lose the ability to love like that?
I'm scared to lose that love, I believe she is the only person in this world who truly cares for me. There is no hidden agenda with her, no love based on mutual gain, there is just a feeling. A knowing that this person is important and no matter what they have to be around.
I can't help now the melancholy that I feel.
Maybe it's because another year in my life has come and nothing seems to change for me. I am unmovable.
My heart aches for love that I'm not sure I will ever be able to obtain again?
The wicked and inconsiderate always seem to prosper. Makes me not want to be the good guy anymore. Maybe villians do have more fun, maybe this year I should try that.
Tomorrow I head to Workforce again and speak to a career advisor. I hope I won't be too weak from today's Bulimia madness.
I want to just b/p today and go to bed. I may take a sleeping pill after I purge, maybe I can cut Mia off at the pass.
I miss painting sometimes, I used to have this easel that doubled as a storage. It had all kinds of paints, Acrylic, water color, oil..
Plenty of brushes and even a fresh pad of Drawing paper stuffed under a secret compartment. I lost that when I became homeless, couldn't take it with me. I gave it away to someone with kids and thought maybe they could get better use of it, I never imagined finding myself needing it again. I was in such a bad place then.
Now I miss it terribly sometimes. I wish that I could paint the sadness away, canvas the pain and hang for all to see.
I don't know how to be rid of this, I just know how to make it stop hurting for a few minutes.
It's going to be a long day, my husband is tossing and turning feingly in bed, I think he wants me to just go purge already. Probably wondering how much more can one person possibly eat in a sitting.
I think I will go purge now, my stomach feels really hard.

3 comments:

Kimeley-Megan said...

Your not alone. I'm right here with you.

Dylphe said...

it sucks to hear/read that however just remember your daughters love when you feel like nobody else does. i know how it is because i feel the same most of the time. but you aren't unlovable, although it's not the same i love you. i will wish for a better day for you. and remember with you meeting at the work force you are one step closer to you freedom. i'm here if you need me
stay strong

jadedchalice said...

you have people who think about you every day who yo haven't even met, people like me who find you to be a beautiful beautiful person. I am very VERY VERY freaking proud of you. I want you to believe in your inner power, and know that you can be who you mean to be. Fight for you....FIGHT FOR YOU GIRLIE....fight for you and your baby and your future...if nothing else let her drive you to be healthy...Fight for the love you know you want to share, and the life you want to live and the fact that you haven't gotten the richness of life yet....fight for it...

much love