Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Shrinks and Such

A strange noise keeps buzzing in my ear, I try to figure out what it is?
I toss in bed and realize it's the alarm clock, the time says 6am.
No Ed this morning?
I can't believe I wasn't forced awake this morning, I feel tired and want to continue sleeping. I've just fallen asleep two hours ago.
I get out of bed and begin the routine.
My weight is the same, 110lbs.
At least its not a gain I guess, maybe I shouldn't complain too much.
In the shower the sadness starts and I begin to feel sorry for myself, I begin to cry. I hate when the melancholy comes on like this, I'm unprepared for it and it usually will stay with me all day long.
My arms look thin today and I start to wonder about muscle atrophy, when is it starting, has it already?
My daughter is up and its time to get moving. My husband is asleep in bed and it makes me mad. He's off today and stayed up late last night, sometimes that doesn't help when I'm trying to sleep. I hate that I live in such a small place, there is no other room to flee to.
I wish he would drop my daughter off at school so I can keep sleeping, but he never does things unless asked, will I ever find someone who will make the first move?
Why must I always be the bulldozer?
I have to take her, and I swear if I didn't look forward to seeing my crush every morning than I don't know what would push me.
A beautiful man in the mornings is always a good thing.
Today I see my shrink and I'm already anxious and snappy after I come back home from school. I start to clean the house and more crunches.
I decide to have coffee and oatmeal. The oatmeal is plain and gummy. I can only take two spoonfuls before I decide it's bland taste is more suited for the trashcan.
I'm tired of eating the same mundane things. I have no idea what I want to eat, or even if I want to anymore.
I'm starting to feel lazy, where is Ed today, I miss my Ed. It's too quiet and I don't like it.
I need motivation, I need someone to push me, I can't stop now things are just getting interesting..
After cleaning up the house, time has gone by and I begin to get ready for my visit, I hate that I have to wake my husband up, he knows what time I have to be there, why isn't he up yet?
I feel like I may be late, I hate to be late for things and have people wait on me. In the car now and my husband has a cup of coffee and his daily devotional, he had time to make a cup of Joe and grab his book.
I drive because he doesn't, I'm starting to feel anxious now, my chest hurts. My mind is racing and I hate it. I don't want to have a panic attack.
"Pass by the Gas station, you're running low.." my husband suggests.
Grr I tell him there is no time for that, is he purposely trying to make me miss my appointment?
I drive very quickly to the office and the stinging in my chest is getting worse. I'm too nervous.
The lot at the Behavioral Center is full, the only spaces available are spots on the street with meters, four dollars to park and more every half hour after that, no thanks!
I head inside while my husband sorts out the dilemma, no time to lose, I have five minutes to spare.

I head to the reception area and sign in,
a seat and a silent prayer that I don't pass out in front of all these strangers.
I think maybe I need to calm down and drink something, my husband is not here, he never came inside.
I call him after ten minutes of waiting and he answers the phone very nonchalant. He's parked across the street in the car reading his daily devotional. I ask him if he can buy me a Gatorade from the Publix Supermarket that's in the strip mall across the street, he reluctantly agrees.
In the beige hard chair I wait and wait..
The stinging comes and goes and I wonder to myself what would really happen if I were to just pass out, how bad can a panic attack really be, can you die from this?
My impatient nervous behavior is overlooked by everyone, there are people here of all sorts, all ages, races and sizes. I overhear their conversations.
Some are here for the first time, others as regulars, the main and consistent theme is waiting. This is usually an all day thing, the shrinks are never on time. Mines as a matter of fact is in lunch.
Good thing my husband is off today, I couldn't be here otherwise, who would get my daughter from school?
I start to read Wasted as I'm waiting and panicking. The book is soothing, I get into character and imagine Marya's tone narrating the story. I love to read, this is relaxing. I wish I could be a writer, have an actual book in hand, touch many with my words. I think of sweet Capri in this moment and the book Madness she suggested, if I had some money I would get it, but I don't. I don't think my local library even carries it. To be broke is an awful thing, I don't want for much, but the little things that I do are readily available to me. Sometimes I wish I had a benefactor. I wish I was Cinderella, will I ever have a handsome Prince to win my heart and save me from myself one day.
I hope someone will love me again, god how I miss it, I miss human contact, I miss love. I don't think any man will touch me again, especially if I get down to 90lbs, I will look so emaciated, I may scare even my own reflection away. Why do I want to look that way, why does looking skinny matter at all. I hope I will find happiness once I get there, because getting there is not making me happy at all.
My husband briefly enters the lobby and hands me my drink, he leaves as I mumble thank you. I think he is bothered, he doesn't understand me, he doesn't understand maybe how I got this way, or maybe it's because I'm trying to get better..
I feel sorry for him, he doesn't want to be alone, but I feel that way already. Why can't we all just get what we want without any pain, without any collateral damage?
After my husband leaves I'm called and its time. I barely get two sips of Orange low calorie Gatorade in.
My therapist is lovely and she nods her head alot. I tell her my trauma and I cry for the most part. She is in shock of it all.
She is so understanding and my silly worries over what to say are non existent. I'm free..
My burden is less and the cross I bear is set down.
Happy tears for once, she understands and is going to help me.
My beautiful readers, I'm happy and hopeful. I think I may just be okay.
So many secrets and transgresses against me and my therapist says the magic words that make me cry more..
"It's not your fault.."
I feel like I have a friend, someone who will help me up from my long fall. I feel blessed to be here in this moment now in my life, this feels like it was worth the wait even.
After my long session, I get to come back again.
My next session is April 5, and we are going to discuss only positive things that happen to me from now until then. I pray that I will have loads to tell her by then.
My visit is over and now it's time to get my daughter from school and head back home..


Mae said...

Hug. Panic attacks blow goats for quarters. Your therapist sounds wonderful. You're lucky to have a good one--I had one about a year ago, and she was just awful. I quit going because I was getting my antidepressants from someone else and she just wasn't really listening. If yours truly makes you feel better, don't ever give her up without a fight.

<3 Mae

Claire said...

I'm so so glad you're getting help! You can do this, there are going to be many positive things to report, just you wait and see :) sometimes I find it easier to think about the things I'm grateful for, they seem easier to come across for me... and often lead to the positive. Keep up the great work, I'm so proud you took the first big step, they can be really scary! just got to keep up the next baby steps now, one foot in front of the other with people to catch you when you wobble. If you ever need anything feel free to email me! xxx
p.s. I think you can only die from a panic attack if you have heart problems.

Anonymous said...

I'm so glad your visit with your therapist went well! It's an awesome feeling to be able to let go of all those burdens- to lay down your cross- and start to feel better, and free. Keeping your mind focused on the positive can be a bit challenging (as your probably already know), but I bet it's well worth it. Replacing all those negative thoughts with positive ones- it's really encouraging!

Peridot (G+P) said...

N'awwwww :) You made me smile. Thank you! I think you won the Outlast contest yesterday. I'll be checking my face for pen scribbles, lol!

Maybe Ball&Chain relies on you to be the alarm clock and wake him up. My ex was like that, the lazy tosser!

WHY does the idiot always want to go to a sodding buffet? What on earth is WRONG with him??

The two most common things treated by Student Health at my University are EDs and Chlamydia. . . Between that and the Supermarket I feel like I'm surrounded by closeted sufferers who would rather die than give up the illusion that they aren't FINE FINE PERFECTLY FINE THANKYOU -.-;

OMFG you read Wasted in the Therapists' office? XD I laughed SO HARD at that. You're INSANE!! The headache isn't surprising if you haven't drank water for a few days and having heaps of coffee. You've got nothing left to flush kidney-processed alcohol shit out of your body with!

Is oatmeal the American name for porridge? I throw an assload of cinnamon in my porridge and stir in some raisins when its cooling down for some potassium and interest :/

I'll do a long-overdue trawl through the 2nd hand bookstores of North Dunedin to see if I can find another copy of Madness. Studentville's 2nd hand stores are fucking GOLDMINES!!

Sleep well!

Moonlight Mistress said...

I'm glad that session when well for you. You deserve all the happiness in the world!!


New Blog!

https://newtounemployment.blogspot.com/2020/08/do-i-smell.html?m=1 Follow this new installation of my life. Although, I will be back; here i...