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Saturday, December 4, 2010

110 Milestone

                                                                                              Mood:sick
Weight 110lbs..
I'm really sick today the laryngitis is bad, I'm hardly audible.
The weather is great, but cold. I'm freezing more than usual. My body is having a hard time regulating my temperature.
The flu is really hitting me hard, the sinus pressure is too much and my throat is red and inflamed.
I can't believe I'm at 110 already, twenty little pounds to go.
Today was an off day, the sadness is trying to creep back in. My mood swings were a bit much, I was so many things at once.
After dropping my daughter off, my husband insisted on breakfast at McDonald's.
I didn't want to at first, but then I caved, I ordered something. We sit in the cold restaurant's lobby, he sweetens his coffee and begins to unwrap his bagel. He stares at my sandwich as if insisting you first. I told him I would eat my breakfast later on when I felt better. The truth is I would eat and purge this later. I fold my arms and lay my head down on the cold table. I feel so tired..


After breakfast, errands were run.
During a trip to the supermarket for dinner supplies, my husband behaved very oddly towards me.
Now like I've said before, I can't distinguish what I see in the mirror as real. My body perception is flawed.
What does 110lbs on someone who's 5'1 really look like?
I was about to find out in the deli aisle of the local market.
"You're skinny like that, see." my husband points out a woman at the deli counter.
I don't look like that.
She's an older woman, I'd say 45-50ish..
She is skinny but you can't even see her collarbone? Her thighs are incredibly slender. I'd say her skinny body is on account of a hearty drug habit. We happened to be in my old neighborhood, and its not exactly the suburbs, seeing a woman like this on the street, is the norm I'm afraid.
This comparing game, continued for the duration of our time out.
"You see that sick looking girl, she looks like she caught something." he continues.
I turn to glance, she looks like she's 19 and naturally thin.
"You're her size."
I disagree, she's tall maybe 5'6 and has a kid in a stroller.
Husband thinks I have some sort of body dismorphic disorder because I can't acknowledge my true shape. He wants to show me how thin my arms have become.
He grabs my wrist and wraps his index and thumb around it, looks like that game you play in elementary school where you're trying to see how many kids you'll have in the future.
By his account I should have 7 children.
I'm feeling uncomfortable now and incredibly self conscious. I don't allow myself to be touched much, and here he was violating my personal space and criticizing the way I looked, in public no less.
Every girl he happened to point out was too skinny, impossible, I don't look like that!
"You're too skinny, eat something..You're going to look sick soon. People won't say that to your face." he has a superior face on.
I feel like I'm being scolded. I can feel eyes on me, he's not talking in a low voice.
I feel embarrassed for the first time since this awful thing has started.
At the red light of an intersection in my car, he points another girl out. She's young too, my guess 18.
She's 5'5 and thin, you can tell by looking at her, its her natural shape. She doesn't have an Ed, some girls are just naturally thin..
He laughs at her.
"Look at those fucking legs! Please tell me you're not trying to look like that. Do you want bony legs like that?" he continues to chuckle.
In a small voice, I say yes.
He stops laughing and shakes his head sideways.
How can you laugh at these girls, shouldn't you be concerned?
If so, why aren't you concerned about the one sitting next to you?
I'm low on Iron and Calcium supps. I wanted to take another trip to the Vitamin Shoppe, but after today, I didn't too much care for further comparisons. He insisted we go, I said no.
Tomorrow morning, he'd like to go, Grocery day is Saturday and the market and the store are near each other. He figures two birds with one stone. He has no idea there is also a Dollar Tree nearby and I'm low on lax. Looks like one more bird to knock out.
I get a nap in at home before its time for my daughter to be let out of school.
She has a winter play at her school on Monday, today was the rehearsal.
She will be playing a Reindeer.
I have things in the fridge now for plenty of b/ping.
Husband goes to work and I begin, sometimes this awful shit makes me feel better.
I have Laryngitis and purging isn't exactly the best idea, that never stops me though. So 3x it is. Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner all back to back.
There's a little nag in the back of my mind that says maybe you should slow down. I feel really weak and now I'm scared to go to sleep.
The paranoia is setting in.
I want to be able to stop at 90lbs and maintain.
The seeds of self doubt have been planted. I keep hearing the word Stop lately.
You look good at this weight, no more. How do you do that?
I'm not happy at this weight, I don't feel comfortable, and I believe I have the right to do as I please. I've seen so many people for years destroy themselves with drugs and alcohol, even still to this very day. I leave them all be.
I'd like the same courtesy now.
Why meddle, why care about me now? I've spiraled silently down many holes before, have bottomed out many times while others have stood idly by doing nothing.
Now what?
On this one thing that I really want, this chance to be someone else finally, to maybe get back something I've been searching for, I have so many nay Sayers.
Twenty pounds to go, let's get there first before we start trying to knock me off the horse shall we.
I know what I look like, I'm a short, shy blonde with more issues than Vogue. If I want my ribs and hips poking through my shirt, how is that hurting anybody? Maybe I want to look like a twig. Would you rather I were obese, because that's so much healthier right?
This is my life, I go through it alone and make myself feel better, I go over the hurdles and come out through the other side eventually. I make my own way.
I'm stubborn and determined and overall incredibly patient.
I know something is going to go my way soon, I'll get the things that are coming to me whatever they may be.
Truth is we all do, that's called Karma.
What will your Karma be like?

 

4 comments:

Weightoomuch said...

Honey don't let him get you down. You are your own person and have every right to achieve your goals what ever you deem them to be. You are too close to let him get you off track. I'm huge but you give me so much hope. I know I can make it because I can see that you have. Id hug you if you didn't dislike being touched.
Stay strong you are so close.

Dylphe said...

i hope my karma will come on the form of a hot guy ^_^

purging with throat issues i'm going through the same thing it's a bitch.

I really hope you'll feel better soon!

Ha Ha my captcha word is headbal

danae said...

your husband sounds like a real asshole >:[...
congrats on reaching 110, i'm jealous
x

Lucy said...

I don't really like encouraging people, but I have to say congrats on the 110. You look perfect on those pics on the side of your page :). And I hope you're feeling better too!

x

I know it says this is Lucy but its Emily from Emily's Bones. I'm writing you this because you are one of my lovely followers :). My mom discovered my blog so I had to make an entirely new blog/name/pretty much everything, so I would really really appreciate if you followed my new blog! Feel free to spread the word :) <3.
http://lucywantstoflyaway.blogspot.com/