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Monday, December 13, 2010

Inbox

                                                                                              Mood:Cold
Face Book.
I got a message from an old classmate today, she asked if my profile pic was really me because I looked great.
This was a girl who in high school took pride in her appearance and always bragged about how many guys were into her.
Now she's fat and I think she got a boob job?
So imagine a fat girl with really huge hard knockers.
I gave her advice, told her to cut out sugar, soda and fast food. I also told her to exercise. These are essential staples to lose weight in a healthy way. I wasn't going to tell this girl who I've barely spoken to since High School-I'm thin because I have an Eating Disorder. I'm sure curiosity would've out trumped concern. She would've wanted tips I bet. I don't get why most people go there.
Why would you want this? Do you know what a typical day is like for me or anyone of us who suffer with this?
I'm awake right now blogging at 6am, in a minute I will be exercising before taking my daughter to school. then my day really starts. The struggle to not b/p.
My head is killing me. I am so thirsty and I'm exhausted. I'm plateaued and frustrated. You isolate yourself because you have no idea how to be normal again. You're out of the loop for certain things. All you can think about is food and not gaining.
Do you really want to be like me high school acquaintance?
Its Monday-something has to change this week, I have to budge this plateau. I think subconsciously I'm making myself maintain..
Ever since the Winter Holiday show at my daughter's school I haven't really been the same. That awful picture keeps haunting me. I think maybe I'm self sabotaging on purpose because I really dislike the way I look.
Regardless, I have to just grit my teeth and bear it. I know I'm not Miss America, and I just have to stop thinking that somehow my looks are magically going to improve. This is me and this is what I look like. You can't erase a zebra's stripes.
I'm ugly at any weight-I have to just keep telling myself that. Maybe this weight will budge, at least I'll still be hideous but with one chin instead of two.
Yesterday my back hurt from the crunches, my shoulder blades stick out too much and the hard cold floor really take a beating on me. My husband back early from work is on the couch trying to be nice to me and offers to rub the tenderness away, I let him.
"Dam are you even eating? Do you eat?" he asks after feeling the bones and stiffness that's behind me.
I hesitate not really knowing how to answer the question. I tell him I ate this morning. Actually yesterday's intake was 369 calories in total. Technically I'm not lying, its just that what I eat isn't enough to really sustain me, by other people's standards I mean, definitely not my own.
He stays quiet and the back rub is quickly over.
I don't understand what he expects, I'm miserable. Now my misery is outward for everyone to see. What would posses a girl to do this to herself, what would make you slowly shrivel up until you're unrecognizable.
The only answer I have to that, is that I can. Its the one thing I can do, there isn't any meddling or some outside force with a major move in the the balance. I'm responsible for how I look. I restrict and starve and I exercise and purge. I wanted this weight off and it is. Not many people can do this, can be so tortured that they feel as though these awful rituals merit them-but I do.
Its not even about weight loss anymore, maybe once in the beginning in some warped way it started out that way in the mix with the self punishment. Now its just surviving, its just one giant run on sentence.
Thin thin thin thin don't eat that don't drink that exercise 5 10 15 20 fat fat bloat plateau plateau ugly ugly bony supps don't eat scale....
This is who I've become now.
Today its 55 degrees right now, so darn cold.
My daughter is off to school safely and I'm back in the somewhat warm house. I should go back to bed and try to warm up.
My husband is off for the next two days straight. I don't think b/p are going to be allowed. So far this am I'm fine, not triggered and yesterday's melancholy is out of my system. I had to just cry it out and do what I do.
I feel better today so far. I've taken supps but haven't eaten anything at all, I don't know if I will today. I really can't start that nonsense so early. I want to lose something this week. I'm going to try to just take advantage of the fact I'll be supervised for the next three days, an unintentional fast of sorts..
I was wondering, since I've been eating in the mornings and restricting my calories, writing it all down now which is very helpful-Could I do ABC?
I sometimes want to try it out, I never have. What are the success rates as opposed to the gains?
Has anyone else tried this and lost. I think I want to try it, maybe..
I need more feedback first.
So this is Monday so far, no b/p today at all! No!
I will lose this week you mark my words.
Going back to bed and later researching ABC some more and even going to research investing in a food scale. I've never owned one and I don't know the first thing about using one, but if I'm going to be eating I want to take every precaution I can.

Stay warm and safe my lovelies..
Happy Monday ツ

5 comments:

danae said...

you're not ugly! i think you're really pretty
i've attempted abc quiet a few times, though i've never been successful because i always end up b/ping
xx

Dylphe said...

you are beautiful stop saying you're ugly...i know easier said than done.
i don't know much about abc i don't do well with set out plans i tend to sabotage myself somehow
stay strong

mags said...

The ABC most definitely works. I did it for a little over two weeks when my mother flipped out on me and asked me to step on the scale because I'd been losing so quickly. Then the force-feeding started with me.
But in that two weeks I lost about 15 lbs. I lose and gain weight quickly though.
It's harder if you're someone that has binged and purged though. I've tried to do it since and it's a lot harder because sometimes a binge sneaks up on me, so I have to purge. Which I honestly hate doing.

I've thought of restarting the ABC myself. It's so effective.
Also look up SGD or Skinny Girl Diet though. I've heard it's easier and I know some people who have actually finished it.

mags said...

oh, and you're not ugly. You're picture is so cute. I swear.

lou said...

@Danae, Dylphe and Mags
thank you for the compliment, it cheers me up..