Merry Christmas to you all, hope you're taking it easy today. I know the holidays are a pain, but one day off from weight worries is acceptable; I'm sorry that's the wine talking. Merlot tonight.
So let's talk about yesterday. I b/p of course, a lot. Mia takes up my time and I couldn't even bother to blog. The hours slip away when I'm with her.
On purge number 3? I honestly can't even remember-
I sat on my couch and suddenly had an annoying feeling in my mouth, I started tonguing the back of my bottom teeth, I had binged on the fried Ravioli's and Chicken strips earlier that my husband brought me, so I automatically assumed the bothersome sensation was a piece of meat.
As I continued to pester the foreign object, it finally came free and was sharp instead of soft, I pulled it out and was shocked to see it was not food but a tooth fragment.
I ran to the bathroom immediately to see the actual damage, praying it wasn't major. Luckily for me it was just a chip from the inside part of my bottom tooth. There was no pain or warning, no sensitivity either, it just came off?
I continued to analyze my teeth and see if it was even noticeable at all, its not.
I know its missing though, I can feel it. I will always know it's missing.
I thought I had lost an actual entire tooth!
My very first tooth decay thanks to Mia.
The minute my insurance card arrives in the mail, I'm headed right to the dentist to get caps or Veneers. I'm losing my hair and now my teeth. Thanks Mia, you're such a good friend..
Today is Christmas and that means presents and lots of cooking.
I awoke late and immediately put the Pork shoulder to cook in my small oven, it takes a few hours and I really wanted it to go in earlier so it could slow roast. Too late, waking up two hours behind schedule, this is how my day started. I was tired from the night before staying up until 4 am chasing sleep that would never come. I'm up now and go ahead and weigh-111.4 grr! The number keeps going up and down.
I go ahead and exercise quickly the clean up the house and shower. My daughter wakes up excited at the fact that she can finally open presents. I'm missing some ingredients for dinner and have to wake my husband up and find a store that's actually open today. I lower the temp on the oven and were off to Walgreen's, the one store that's always open.
My husband has this sourpuss on, and I'm dressed very nice today and sort of happy in spite of the long day that awaits me. I hate the face he has on. He wants coffee, he chalks up the face to sheer exhaustion. Its good that he's making an effort at least to lighten the mood.
At Dunkin Donuts now and my daughter and I wait in the car while my husband heads inside to order. We usually get a coffee and a muffins, sweet muffins for me-chocolate chip or blueberry..
He'll order something seasonal or an old fashioned donut. My daughter gets juice and mini's. Today though he brings every one's Else's order but mines, he gets me an odd muffin, something I would never eat? His excuse is that they were out or some such nonsense; my mood swings kick in. Now I feel like throwing hot coffee in his face, the intense anger I suddenly felt surprises me. I don't usually have a reaction like that, normally I would just feel disappointed instead. On the drive back home the sadness begins and I'm just fed up with this. What is happening to me?
I just want to convey happiness, even it's not genuine, just let me fake it at least. I hate these odd mood swings. I never feel in control of them, they come and take over, they possess me.
My daughter finally gets to open her gifts and she's over the moon. My husband gets cologne and a watch, and much to my surprise, Santa paid me a visit too.
|Portia De Rossi's Memoir|
|Coral Stone Ring|
|A Magnetic Ring for Pain|
Even the cat's got gifts, laser pointers to chase and furry mice to eat.
So far Christmas was running smoothly again.
Back to slaving over a hot stove. My rice cooker decides to break down on me, I can't believe my crummy luck. My husband had to run out and buy another one. Lucky that he found another store that was open still and carried actual rice cookers!
The one he picked out is really nice, bigger than the one that just died on me and stainless steel, I love it.
I'm starving and can't wait to binge on dinner. The pork is finally ready after additional hours it had to merit thanks to my sleeping in.
Fresh Red Kidney Beans and Rice, Baked Mac&Cheese, Mash Potatoes and hot, soft Rolls complete the Christmas dinner. I'm happy to not be standing anymore. I serve everyone their food before I fix my own. Now I can eat!
I put away two plates of food easy..
I purge and forgot to mention dessert, which I can now accommodate.
My daughter helped decorate these with me. She loves to help me in the kitchen.
My husband is distracted with basketball today so purging was a tiny bit easier for me.
I got a bit paranoid at at one point, but if it bothered him or not, he did not say. Maybe he didn't want to ruin the remainder of the holiday.
So this was my Christmas, the rest of the night we watched movies and drank-he had a fine Brandy, I have a nice bottle of Merlot.
I want to feel nothing tonight, numb.
Sleep soundly tonight and hope for tomorrow.
The rest of my family is scattered, everyone doing their own thing as usual. I've made phone calls and well wishes to those I care about the most. I've received just as few in return.
I guess its the wine now that has me sentimental, thinking of past things. Thinking of God and life and how I have no say in anything. He gives and takes away. He's taken away so much from me I'm scared to have anything at all.
People, so many gone..
How can you have people in your life that feel so important and vital one minute and then they are gone?
How do you go on without it hurting as much?
Why does this happen?
Is it a wonder that I don't allow anyone in anymore. That I sometimes want to build the wall higher still until a skyscraper stands and overcasts my light.
I'm sick of losing everywhere else except where it really matters.
There is a part of me, minuscule I know that doesn't allow the complete void to take over. The awful "I don't care" words to be uttered. Can you imagine the things that could be done if you really allowed yourself to feel like that.
I should be grateful then I suppose that I still have some goodness in me, that there is a piece of me that still hopes that everything will turn out the way I want it because I deserve it.
Just like there is that part of me that trusts in others still even though I always get fucked over.
I guess I'm just one of those people who still believes in the golden rules:
"One should not treat others in ways that one would like to be treated."
"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you".