Thursday, December 23, 2010

Wishful Thinking

I'm feeling much better today, that's just between us though,
To everyone else I'm still suffering with a stomach virus-coughs; holds stomach in extreme pain; runs to the bathroom and purges!
Thank you for the uplifting comments, you have no idea how much they truly mean to me. Big hugs and kisses to you all, so sweet. I felt better with each uplifting mention.
Ugh I'm still at 111lbs, grr darn period has me bloated. These cramps are awful. Geesh at what weight do I have to drop down to finally for this menstrual nightmare to cease?
I feel better now I suppose because of all the purging, I got rid of whatever it was in me. I had plenty of meds to help just in case, but from what I read you can't cure Gastroenteritis really, just gotta get plenty of rest and tough it out. My husband has been walking around holding his stomach in protest today, I don't know if I've passed something onto him or if its a hangover that's got him down.
"I don't feel well, do we have any Alka Seltzer?" he asks with misery written all over his face.
The man can drink, ugh just thinking about all that alcohol makes me shudder.
At some point in the night as we watched The Grinch movie-the live action version with Jim Carey, my husband fell asleep with the cup a Brandy in his hand, a noise from the television startles him suddenly and he spills the strong drink all over himself, normally this is funny except that the drink gets most of the couch too and now that particular spot smells like a pub. I can't turn the cushion over because there is a huge chocolate stain on the other side from a binge of pudding or ice cream I believe.
Last night was nothing but one giant puke fest. I discovered something brilliant too, remember I mentioned how everything I purged seemed to be coming up with ease and disintegrated to nothing quickly, well I figured it out. Nope not extra stomach acid-DIET GINGER ALE!!
I've stopped drinking soda all together, but since I was sick and ginger ale was recommended I drank it to feel better, but I soon realized that this was the culprit, it makes purging easier and faster! Instead of wasting your time with Diet coke, please chose this instead, it works!
I got so dizzy at one point had to finally say okay I think I'm done now..
Been drinking water and Power Ade zero ever since.
I've had 439 calories in me today. Worked out for an hour on the treadmill and burned 800 cals, I feel pretty good.
Woke up refreshed and hydrated, cleaned the house, took supps and exercised some more.
Maybe tomorrow I'll lax, I don't know yet.
I want to drop some weight but the truth is with this period its hard to really achieve that, water retention and bloating is inevitable. Then there is Christmas dinner and I'm sure plenty more gain If I'm not careful. Seems like a no win situation at times.
I'm waiting for my insurance card in the mail, and very soon I'll be able to finally see a therapist. I have no idea what to look for or who to trust. I'm fairly new to "therapy" I mean in the 6th grade I had a therapist, (a man) and he was just all wrong, it was a job and nothing got solved, basically it felt like an excuse to get out of class instead of healing. I have no idea how to do this again?
My biggest worry-
What if I find a therapist, and this woman (I don't want a man again sorry) says there is nothing wrong with me?
What if I'm not "sick" enough to get prescribed meds?
Could such a thing happen?
I start to think about this and I get incredibly apprehensive. I don't want to be turned away. I need help.
That would just kill me; how messed up do you have to be to really qualify for help? What are the magic words?

So now here I am listening to Marvin Gaye ♫, drinking a nice bottle of Pinot Noir after my second purge of the night and I'm feeling incredibly light headed.
I'm feeling the alcohol, its getting absorbed after a few minutes.
Cigarettes too.
I want to get drunk really, its been awhile and I just want a little break. No more voices.
I just want to write.
I want to just let my mind wander and think about what could be..
I want to fantasize.
What if I got properly diagnosed for whatever disorder plagued me and then prescribed medication, will I finally feel normal or the equivalent of it. What next a job?
Could I finally be able to provide for myself, no longer be maintained or enabled.
Could I then in turn be able to move on my own, my very own apartment; pay my bills, not need to be married to a man who I no longer love. Will I be okay?
To finally make mistakes and learn from them without feeling like everything underneath me is bottoming out.
Maybe find self esteem again and learn to love myself, to love that person in the mirror. I sometimes purge with the shower on, hot water full blast, for the warmth of course, but more importantly to fog up all the mirrors because I can't stand the sight of myself; that bony blonde girl staring back at me pathetic and worn out, defeated in so many ways, hanging on by the slimmest of threads..
Can I be free of Mia? Can I free up that precious time and replace it with something else, something less damaging and deadly? Will I finally be ready for Ana. To officially restrict and someday maintain. To truly be strong in my convictions.
Most of all I can't imagine a life without love; not letting another in again. I want to be ready for that. I want to one day be sane and fit enough to properly love and be loved by another. Be utterly honest and know that they will understand this mess of a life I've made so far.

"… when I was apart from you,
this world did not exist,
nor any other."

To say that about someone, and to have them feel that way in return would make my heart swell with happiness. There are other more important things out there that get neglected and blindsided so easily. I don't want that anymore.
I chose life.
I've been making moves here and there getting ready to officially leave my husband, part of me feels bad for him.
The other half screams at me, there are things that I can't let go, forgiveness that can't happen yet for some reason?
Too many years together. Too much trauma. This has to end. Starting over will be scary of course, but it has to be done.
So much has happened in that first year we separated, this Humpty Dumpty could not be put back together again I'm afraid, I've given it three more years for my daughter's sake but its just not happening. I deserve to be happy too.
I hate that he tries so hard to "reprimand" things.

That is today's attempt-flowers.
The plant I had in there died due to the recent cold weather, so he replaces it. Material things always seem to be the quick fix for him. The problem is emotional not material I'm afraid..
Life goes on, people change.
"I've changed, you should give me the benefit of the doubt.." he constantly tells me.
I know people change, I've changed too, its just not a good one. I'm not the same person I used to be. People do change, sometimes not for the better..
I think about all of this and more as I drink now, everything echos for me.
So many choices to be made, pressure and life altering decisions. How can you push through all of that and still come out a good person on the other side. I don't want to hurt anyone, but I don't know how to do that, how can I save us all from heartache? I guess I can't.
Maybe its because I can internalize so much suffering and pain that its meant to be my cross alone to bear?
Do you see now a piece of the nothingness that I cannot control.
I get sad now with every realization.

I couldn't see darkness until now
Only light!
(though sometimes the shadows flickered across my view)

But darkness, this cold emptiness,
Somehow passed me by
Like a charmed thing I sailed
Slipping through its fingers

Blessed until now
Blessed until now

Only now, only now, only now

And I'm beyond recognition
Gone to some small space in silent stillness
Yet something beats anew


I'm waiting to be reborn

Only this time, only this time, only this time
Born in darkness
None can dim my light
None. Can. Dim. My. Light.

I love Lamb, I discovered them one day as all music I fall for, by accident. The lyrics for most of their songs tug at me in such a way, its like they were written for  me alone in mind.
Its been a long day. 2 am already?
I think I need to finish this cup of wine and go to bed before I b/p again. May need to up my supps tomorrow, I'll be alone and really going at it, and then lax in the night; may feel really weak. Hope this tired body of mines is ready for more punishment.
There are tons to feel bad about and not enough ways to lash out.
Night to you all..