Wednesday, December 8, 2010


Weight 109lbs. Ugh we meet again plateau.
This morning the temperature was at 44 degrees. I wasn't looking forward to getting out of the bed and taking my daughter to school. I really wish this cold front would just go already, its too much for me. My body can't adjust and regulate, I'm freezing all the time now.
I bundle up as best I can, I look like I'm ready to frolic in the snow. I'm in layers.
After I drop my daughter off I head to the market for bananas and chicken. I need to make a hot meal tonight, the heat from the kitchen should warm the house sufficiently. I currently have an old space heater and it ain't doing squat!
In the meat department and I'm waiting for my number to be called. I need a whole chicken cut up. The butcher happily takes my order and as he's getting busy chopping my bird, I blow into my hands, my fingers feel numb and stiff. Can you get frost bite if there is no snow?
The butcher watches me from his station.
"You're really cold aren't cha?" he laughs at me.
I'm wearing a turtle neck, skinny jeans (underneath are tights) Ugg boots, gloves and a large jacket.
Cold? Mr. you have no idea what cold feels like.
Try losing 100lbs in less than a year and then see if you will still laugh  when you're body has no idea how to warm you up!
Indoor air conditioning feels like Alaska to me.
Instead I politely say yes I'm cold. I grab my chicken and I'm out of the market.

Yay Bananas!

I sleep till noon and dream of a life that's not my own, a vision that is unobtainable.
A life where your hair isn't falling out and your teeth don't hurt. Where someone genuinely loves you and there isn't a scale in the house. A life where all of the neurosis and disorders never touch you.
If only.
I wake up and reality hits me. How sad to be stuck.
Time to get my daughter, back out into the cold that I hate. Time to layer up again and try to think warm thoughts.
We arrive ten minutes early and my husband parks a little bit away. My crush is outside and talking to a very animated older woman, I think this woman is upset over something, she points to the school and flails her arms about.
In a moment of turning to face the school, my crush spots me in the car from across the street, my husband is in the driver's seat.
He glances in my direction every so often and I never take my eyes off of him.
A spot opens up in front of the school now and my husband turns the car on and makes his way there.
I shrink in my chair. My husband starts the thing he does when men are too close to me. He gets verbose.
My god he can talk, I can't even eye my crush anymore, I have no idea where he went, I think he left to the After School building already. My crush tutors in the afternoon I've found out through the grapevine.
A rather obese woman picks up her son I'm assuming from the school and is heading in our direction.
"Remember when you looked like that." My husband points out.
Wow, was I really that awful once?
I ask him and now?
There is a skinny girl in her thirties, I'd say 5'6 walking by the car.
Am I as skinny as her?
"No, you're skinnier than her. There is no one at this school right now who I can even compare you to."
I can't help my reaction, I smile wide and blurt out a repressed laugh.
"Its not funny. You need to gain some weight. You're going to start to look like you're a drug addict or something. Someones going to make a phone call on you." He tries to sound stern.
A phone call?
Drug Addict?
There are plenty of crackheads and drunks might I add walking around the neighborhood, I don't see anyone locking them up.
Why do I always have to have things taken away from me. Why must someone always interfere with my happiness, is it because they have none of their own?
I'm fine. I just need to lose a little more. If anyone tries to fuck with me, I have a few calls of my own to make right back, this time I'm not having it.
Leave me be or you shall see...
My husband gets real quiet, he didn't see that one coming.
I get defensive now, I'm getting ready to get there and I will get there. 20, 19, 18 whatever the number to lose. This is what I want.
My daughter is released from school finally and I can't wait to get home and start cooking. I'm imagining the red hot coil that will warm me up by the stove.
On the way upstairs I grab the mail, hmm the light bill is here. Its usually low and due at the end of the month.
I open it and to my surprise the bill is double the amount. My husband didn't pay anything last month.
He did the same thing when were separating the first time, he slacked off on the mortgage and bills. He didn't care anymore.
Now history seems to be repeating itself.
He's getting ready to leave to work and I couldn't be happier. I wanted to just drink water today and eat a banana, get a workout in and read. Now I'm triggered.
Now I'm cooking, now the whole day will be spent purging countless times, countless things.
 I'll be blunt. Puking naked is going to fucking suck, its freezing!
At home this is how it goes, puke and weigh. Clothes add to the scale, and my binges are big, my weight goes up 6-7lbs at times. That takes quite some time to bring back up.
You think that would stop me.. I have no idea what will ever deter me from Mia?
I bring it up after he's out of the bathroom, he stutters and just said he made arrangements to pay it late. That November was a hectic month and he was catching up on things..
I gesture to the small place I hustled my butt off to acquire after being homeless for all that time. This is my place and if you're here then you pay the bills. Pay them!
Looks like the smaller I get, the bigger my mouth will have to get. I'm tired of other people's crap already.
Something other than how I look is going to change around here, I've had it.
He nods his head and says of course I'm right.
I get to cooking. Tonight I'm making Chicken Fricassee and white rice. I can't wait to eat this, I don't care how cold that bathroom is!

Chicken Fricassee
Ball n Chain makes a quiet exit and the food is ready.
You can pretty much imagine how the rest of my day went. I managed to workout too.
I'm tired and after a scolding hot shower, I'm still cold.
Dam you to heck Ol' Man Winter!
I'm getting under the covers now and praying that some kind of warmth comes, if not I see myself making a fire in a trash can in the middle of my living room.

Fuck Yea Hobo Fire!

Night lovelies, keep warm!


*Broken* said...

You should drink tea or cofee, that´ll help.
I don´t wanna be mean or bitchy but I´m worried about you. You are in a dangerous place and you will die if you continue this way, and I don´t think you want to leave your dauther, i´m sure you´re everything to her.
Sorry for the lecture, maybe i should shut up.

Lucie Love Heart said...

I am worried too :( I hope you warm up soonies xx