Thursday, December 30, 2010

Sad Face :(

I haven't seen my Aunt in years, and now here we are on Yahoo Messenger webcamming.
She looks like my uncle.
She had a huge smile on her face and was happy to see me. She met my daughter for the first time, my sister was in good spirits too. Being around family at a time like this always is a good distraction. We raised our wine glasses for a toast, Pinot Noir on my end and Chardonnay on hers, my sister clinking in too with a Miller Draft in her grip-Cheers to Macho!
A heart attack was the official cause of death, its a relief to know what happened. At least it wasn't a fall or injury of some kind that got him, it was something inevitable. He didn't suffer. The sadness I feel comes and goes, I'm fine one minute and a wreck the next. No one around to console me. Hubby tried to hug me and I cringed in his arms.
"Let me hold you, relax, you're like a cat who doesn't want to be petted." his grip on me tightens.
Hugs feel so awkward, I don't like them. Now especially that I look like this.
 I don't know if its just me that feels this way or not, but sometimes I'm embarrassed at the attention my weight causes. Sometimes I don't even want to be seen. I don't like explaining how all the weight was lost, and I don't want a hug from someone to turn into concern when they can feel the hardness of my shoulder blades, or how thin my arms are. Maybe its just plain ol' shame that comes with this lifestyle.
My uncle is gone, off to a better place they keep telling me; he'll be cremated and his ashes will be mailed to me.
I have to go Urn shopping now, where the heck can I find an Urn?
I drank last night too, and there was more fighting between ball n chain and I.
He doesn't want to separate.
I'm so tired of having the same argument over and over-its draining. At some point during the fight I wanted nothing more than to slit my wrist open, it seems like death would be the only way to be free of him sometimes.
Hours and many drinks later, he apologizes for what I can't even recall anymore, and because I already felt defeated, I just accepted it.
The New Year is upon us and I'm not ready for it.
I can't tell you how scared I am for its arrival. I know there are lots of people who say better things are coming and a new year means a fresh start, but to be honest I don't know if I believe that.
I have my guard up. I feel as though more is to come, much much more.
The worst is not here yet.
I've been unscathed so far with this Ed, only two health scares. The rock bottom hasn't been hit yet. I feel too safe, one of these days something has to snap inside me, I'm not that good. I push this body too far at times.
I haven't split with my husband yet, when that happens its going to be bad. He could could try to take my daughter from me, he could even use my Ed as ammunition.
I haven't gone into therapy yet, when that happens I wonder if I can be helped at all, what if nothing can be done for me?
I should be more positive but 2010 has been an awful year.
I can't imagine what better even looks like, seems like such a radical idea to me.
Tomorrow will be pretty quiet here, my husband goes to work and it will just be me and my daughter alone, I dont' plan to drink anything, I may just go to bed early.
My weight is still at 112 and I've b/p too many times today. I feel really sleepy from it, my chest hurts..
I'm drinking water now, and even Pedialyte since I have no more PowerAde.
My treadmill is tripping, was planning a workout and the track would not budge. Just what I need for the dam thing to break down on me.
If it does I'm looking into something else, I don't know what, maybe an Elliptical or one of those new Nautilus machines. I'd love one of those.
I need something that will whip this fatty into shape.
What a long, sad day. Wish time would skip ahead and I could just numb all this out.
Where's Doc and the Delorean when you need them?

My eyes are closing on me, I'm really tired.
I'm going to bed now, I'm done with this day.


Mich said...

2010 has been a truly awful year. But I feel like Good and Bad come in cycles--2011 has to be better than this year. And if it's not, we'll make it better. <3