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Sunday, December 12, 2010

Chin up young person...

                                                                                     Mood:Triggered

Away from contact with a few special sorts of individuals. I am lost, lost completely in the wilderness . . .


I'm frustrated and down.
My weight is stuck and I'm stuck.
Yesterday left me exhausted, lots of purging. I wanted to cut down to 1x and it spiked up to 3..
My chest is screaming, I have no idea if its a strain or my actual heart, shrunk in size and crying in pain-"I cannot pump all this blood!"
I feel like crying? The sadness is creeping back in. The odd melancholy is here.
 I'm a robot, I don't feel anything the way its meant to be felt.
These mood swings are awful, I feel like a nuisance.
I'm either mad or sad all of the time. I don't understand my body, I don't understand my thoughts. I have no money and nowhere to go. I have nothing to do except eat and yell and exercise.
I need to rest, I am unable to.
I'm so so so so so so so so tired...
When will the rest come. When will it be enough finally.
I'm tired of talking, I want quiet, please sweet quiet come. I'm tired of being misunderstood. I miss desire and laughter. I miss the sun. I'm so cold all the time. I miss love and being loved.
I miss being silly. I miss joy. I miss sharing moments and having someone to share them with. I miss hugs and holding hands. I miss late night phone calls. I miss my mom. I miss God.
I miss life, where did it go?
I hate the scale, its never nice to me. I don't trust it.
I hate my reflection, ugly and pale.
I hate my body, it stays the same, the fat unmovable.
I hate Bulimia, restricting, fasting..me.
My hair thinning, my teeth sore. My stomach growls and my heart beats slow.
My cheeks sullen and my clavicle gets wider, harder, definite.
How long can I last like this? Why haven't I been hospitalized yet? Am I even sick at all..
Why is everything taking so long?
Wait, patience, a standstill..I'm so tired of letting something else control my life.
I'm waiting for something that isn't going to happen.
Long day today, Husband is off to work early and that means he'll be home early. I feel like there's so much to do and too little time.
I'm being stretched thin.
Last night I managed to sleep some, suddenly I was awoken by my husband's hands, the probing again. I'd wish he stop touching me. Its nice that you're home, but deep down inside I really don't care. I don't care about anything that isn't set in my sights. I don't want to care.
I can only spare one feeling at a time, everything else is too draining. What do you want from me, can't you see I'm an apparition.
Can I wallow today? Can I just be sad and untouched, can I have this moment to vent all by my lonesome?
I feel eyes on me always, questions and banter. Not today please, go away.
Today I don't want to feel, I don't want to care about anything or anyone. I don't want to talk, I don't want to pretend to be happy. I'm all alone with just my thoughts to keep me company. I have to put everyone else first always. I have to wait for my turn to be OK.
Don't pity me, I don't.
I have my ways to cope and cope I shall. There are things I want to work out for myself, maybe measures I should take or not. To be safe or not.
This is a very bad mood today. Its trying to pull me under. I think for my own good, I will keep to myself. I don't want this depression of mines to bring down anyone else. I think I'll avoid who I can next week too.
I have to control what I can since all the rest is out of my reach.
Its just me and the kitties, my daughter is okay, carefree and six. Husband is leaving to work. I'll do what I can to shake this feeling off, but mostly I just have to surrender to it, let it have at me and move on. The rain shower never lasts all day..
I will be just fine.








3 comments:

John Kristopher said...

Things will get better soon. Just keep your chin up baby girl. :)

*Broken* said...

I hope things get better soon sweetie.
xx

Sophie said...

I freaking HATE that plateau. I'm plateaued too, right now and it's shit.

But yes, dear... things will get better, all around. You have to believe that. LOVE!