Monday, December 27, 2010

Gag come back!

51 degrees outside.
Monday already and I couldn't be happier. Made it through the holiday smoothly. My husband and I have actually gotten along this weekend very nicely, he's managed to stay outta my hair and I out of his.
Yesterday was pretty bad as far as b/p goes.
Its getting worse in the sense that the number when there is one keeps going up, the amount of times seems never ending.
The purging is getting to that stage where its getting difficult again, I can't seem to bring everything back up quick enough. You know what happens next-gain.
I was at 111, then I'd binge get up to 119 and have to purge all that out; countless times I do this.
 Well my gag reflex is gone now, so my weight got stuck at 112.8lbs yesterday and refused to budge. I purged so bad my left eyelid swelled up, It looked like someone punched me. My vision was blurry, my sinuses hurt and my throat was sore and scratchy. I'm scared now, not because of all of that unbelievable enough, but because what is going to happen when I can't purge? I can't keep all of that inside of me. I hate Mia ugh!
Well afterwards, after crying my eyes out because I can remember 109lbs and how close I felt to my goal then, and now how distant that all seems, I decided to lax. Upped my dose and prepared myself for the long night ahead back and forth to the bathroom in the cold no less.
I got online before bed to read blogs and do research.
In my findings I came across similar Mia's who suffered from this, losing the gag reflex and what that meant. Apparently its our bodies way of letting us know that its had enough, it needs a break from vomiting.
After a few day of not purging, the reflex muscle comes back.
So today, I'm down to 110lbs again thanks to the lax. I've slept til noon and am now in bed. Its too cold outside to move about. I've decided since I'm back at this number to fast. I've only been drinking water so far with my supps and now a bit of Powerade Zero too. I think I'll give my muscle a break and not indulge in b/p.
I might just keep dropping weight if I can actually do it this time, I pray to finally get over 109, maybe this will start up my metabolism again-who knows.
I need a break and I need to stop that non sense all together. Its just so hard and I'm all alone in doing it. I mean really, no one but me can stop it anyways, its just discouraging, sometimes you want to succeed so much and then you don't. I feel positive today, I have my heater next to me, my new book to read and the laptop fully charged.
I would love some coffee right now, but yesterday after a purge, I wanted that one to be the last, I had coffee (idk why?) and then all of a sudden a cracker too, then well..let's just stop there. Obviously that wasn't the last binge of the night after all. So coffee, not so safe.
My husband is off tomorrow and the next day, he's real happy and now wants to go out and do something like see a movie. The idea is nice, but I don't know. I want to see Black Swan, maybe we can come up with a compromise, I'll go see a movie by myself and he can go into the other theater with my daughter and watch something else..
The thing is afterwards he wants to go to Chilli's and eat, grrr!
"I want to eat one of those huge burgers and maybe a nice dessert afterwards, what do you think?" his eyes light up with possibility.
I hate to always say no, I feel like such a selfish bitch because I do want that, who wouldn't you know. Instead I say that I don't want to eat.
He looks discouraged now, I wonder what he's really thinking.
"Well, let's see what happens tomorrow.." he tries to sound upbeat again.
I don't know why he even bothers with me. I go over everything I've just said to him from an outsiders perspective and I come off so cold and detached from it all. I don't know how my life turned in this direction?
I'm a slave to an Eating Disorder. I can't escape it.
Now I'm fasting and super cranky, I'm pissed that I might want to cave and can't purge, I'm pissed that I'm at 110 and I might ruin that-again!
Why can't I just not eat. Just stop altogether, what is it going to have to take for me to get to that point, is there some rock bottom I have to go through first?
Where is my willpower?
I dread this cold, makes my stomach hurt. At least my period is finally gone, a bright side I suppose.
I'm going to occupy myself as best I can, read, workout, housework, I might even make another bracelet. I need more Red around me, positive color, strong forceful encouragement.
I remember when I first made the one I'm wearing now, it fit snugly around my wrist, now it slides all the way to the middle of my arm. I love that..lets me know how far I've come. I think I will make an anklet this time.
I have so many leftovers in the fridge still, so triggering. I just have to keep reminding myself that it will make me gain if I attempt to eat it.
Hmm, I should download some music too, there are a lot of things I've been putting off because of Mia.
A To-Do list it is!
I've been listening to Courage on my Ipod, have it on repeat.
I never knew about this song until my good friend introduced me to it, now every time I listen to it I get so emotional, I love songs that speak to you, that feel like they were written with you in mind.

Okay, going to get out of bed now, put my ITunes on shuffle, and clean my house. Then shower and start the day and fast.
I hope I can do this, if I can just do the first day..
Happy Monday everyone, hope I'm flooding your dashboards with so many posts lately, if I get too annoying, feel free to organize an Intervention.
Best of luck to us all today.
Blogger Hugs and Kisses!


Dylphe said...

oh noo keep posting i love reading your posts!!!
yeah i know how it feels not to be able to purge my ability is gone. i stopped for a few days and it came back and now it's been gone since friday. ugh so fucking aggravating. and the sad part is as much as i hate it i miss it so much...
stay strong

*Broken* said...

I hated when I wasn´t able to purge but the bright side is that maybe you can get rid of Mia once and for all =)
Courage is a song that i love but makes me really sad, I cry every time I listen to it...
Good luck with your fast sweetie!

Anonymous said...

Omg I wish you would post more!
luv ure blog, I especially loved the post called "Wishful Thinking"
hope u can fast today i'll be cheering 4 u.

Luv Courage great song
your gag will come back in no time
stay strong hun n keep blogging!

mags said...

You have yet to be annoying. You've got one of 2 blogs that I happen to favor most (:

And you can do anything. You've lost so much! You've come this far. I'm sure you could go out to eat and order a salad or something if you end up going out to eat. It wouldn't be so bad. Maybe 75 calories in an undressed salad?

You're doing good.
Oh, and I read in one of your previous posts about tooth decay.
One of my teeth shattered on Christmas while I was talking. It was so random. I have no idea why it did that.

But I was freaking out too.

Anonymous said...

losing the gag is horrible and scary, but it feels amazingly good when you get it back. i shouldn't say those kind of things though...
make a playlist of insprational songs, it's a good distraction
this songs for you
Lua - Bright Eyes
you may already know it but i think it's lovely ^_^
thanks btw for your advice, i'm feeling a lot better :)

wj89 said...

I need to find my willpower, too. I hate caving in to eating all the time. I'm home from school right now, and can't even purge. gah!

Mich said...

I love your posts--you write with such detail and emotion, it almost feels like reading a novel. <3

Good luck fasting, hun! You should take your daughter and hubbie to see Tangled. I want to see that so bad! Gonna have to bring my niece so I have an excuse to go see a kids movie...