Friday, December 17, 2010

Long Day, long Post ✿


Oh boy I'm exhausted.
I've been up since 6am running around.
Today was my daughter's last day of school. It was the official Pajama Party in her classroom. In the morning I rushed to get her ready earlier than usual because a note was left in her binder, the teacher wanted food donations, I wish I knew this sooner. Everything is always left for the last minute.
Off to Publix we go before school on this chilly morning.
Okay, food donations, let's look at the list; hmm..
Cookies, and Donuts. Binge heaven!
So I bought 24 soft donuts, glazed and chocolate frosted. Fresh baked peanut butter and chocolate chip cookies too. You have no idea how delectable these goodies looked, my car smelled like a moving bakery. My weight is up and I'm triggered, if I were alone in the car, I would've binged on this and purged at the gas station bathroom, but as it happened I had my daughter and husband in the car this morning.
I was in a bit of a bad mood because of the last minute shopping and the simple fact that my daughter and husband were so chatty and bratty this morning for some reason. I get to school and its a giant slumber party, children and even teachers dressed for bed. My daughter wore a blue pajama with white kittens on it, she towed her kitty pillow pet and beige fleece blanket. My crush opens the door for me to go inside and drop off the baked goods to my daughter's teacher. I have to see my case worker today to see if my insurance goes through, as far as I am concerned that's my only errand today.
In the car, my husband driving now, we stop at the gas station.
"So where are headed now?" he asks pulling out of the small Bp station.
I'm taken aback by this question, home for now, its too early to see my case worker, she'll be there after 10..
He drives a little too fast for my liking and I hate it, makes me nervous.
"We're not gonna get along are we? All you care about is your appointment to fuck me over!" he's fuming.
He's mad.
I hate to argue so early in the morning, its not even 9am yet.
I start to cry because I just don't understand him. I want health insurance so I can seek therapy for all my PTSD, Anxiety and Depression, not too mention any other disorder that's undiagnosed. I need to be on medication, I want to be able to function again. I want to hold down a job, drive without worrying about death constantly. I want to not feel suicidal and sad for no reason.
I want to not starve myself to death.
I think he prefers me to be sick, to be a wreck that only he can fix, or thinks he can fix, when in fact all he does is enable and trigger me.
So I don't stay quiet, I break down in the car and tell him how I feel. How I don't understand how he can be so mean to me all the time, how he can just trample on my feelings and put his first always.
"Its just you're so cold all the time, you're heartless.." he says to me in a calmer tone now that I'm in hysterics.
I don't understand this accusation, I defend myself.
There is a misunderstanding. Christmas shopping was to be done next Wednesday, we were even going to buy the Pork shoulder and all the trimmings that I would be cooking on X-mas day or so that's what I understood. I have this problem, I don't know if its even an actual thing like ADD or something, but anything that is verbally explained to me doesn't last. I need things written down for me to remember them, you could for instance explain to me how to make scrambled eggs one minute and five minutes later I have no idea what you just said..
Lately though, I've been losing days, I can't seem to recall events or conversations even.
Today was the shopping day, he's mad because I didn't remember, he thought I was being a bitch on purpose, he had no idea I've gotten this bad. He feels sorry for me now.
"I didn't know, I'm sorry. I don't understand what is happening to you, you were never like this. I'm worried for you." he doesn't look at me as he says this.
He wants coffee, I feel drained from the fight and want something hot to warm my cold body.
In the bakery we sit and have breakfast, he has a huge meal and I have a 200 calorie equivalent of breakfast. Afterwards we head out and shop. One stop in particular makes me nervous; sometimes I canvas the neighborhood with my daughter, we find new stores and things in our travel. In one of our walks, we came across a small old jewelry store with incredibly low prices and beautiful simple pieces. I had mentioned to hubby that this would be a nice place to purchase my daughter's earrings, he agreed and today we headed there to get them. He also bought something else that got gift wrapped. I think its a ring, I don't know for who, but we'll see Christmas day. More coffee and the rest of today's 400 calorie requirement are consumed.
Coffee, I'm hooked. Target is our last stop. My daughter's teacher loves Hello Kitty as much as I do, and I don't know if any of you know this or not, but Target has a lot of cheap Hello Kitty merchandise. My daughter's teacher gets a gift bag and so does the cute office girl in the front who knows both me and my daughter by name ever since our very first meeting to enroll her in school. She has done so much and pulled so many strings to get us in this Charter School at the last minute. I am forever grateful to her. I also stuff the gift bags with yummy sweets and candy canes. I get an extra box of candy canes for my crush. In the checkout line my husband smiles at me.
"This is so sweet of you, the teacher and that girl too, they won't expect gifts. That guy at the entrance of the school in the morning (my crush ♥) is going to feel left out." he laughs.
I laugh too and then point to the candy canes.
Those are for him.
My husband shakes his head and smiles. Its a quiet understanding, he's not a dummy, he's aware of any man who's attracted to me. He doesn't make a big deal about this and so with that we leave to see my case worker. We're rushing because I have half an hour before we pick up my daughter from school, a trunk full of presents and I have to wrap them all. I have to do this today so my daughter doesn't know that it wasn't Santa who left them under the tree.
My case worker is taking a long lunch and then has a longer staff meeting, so she'll call me. I think I'm getting insurance next week, I hope..
I wrap all of the presents and organize both gift bags. At the school now and the teacher, a grown woman standing in the middle of the school yard wearing Pepto Bismo colored Hello Kitty Pj's is happy and gushing over her unexpected gift. She is also talking to my crush, I hand him his candy and he blushes. He thanks me profusely. I head inside for gift giving number 2, equally as thankful and a Merry Christmas to all, school is out until January 3!
Home now and exhausted my daughter can't stop talking about her day. I still have to make dinner-Fettuccine Alfredo, and clean the house which is a pig pin today. I'm craving and bloated but I don't give in. I want to I do, I don't want to continue to gain and that's what is happening? Let's see where the weekend heads. Today is fine, I feel calm. Presents under the tree and my daughter who believes it was Santa who came while she was in school is happy and the epitome of Holiday Cheer.
I may lax tonight, I don't know yet. I want to believe that this will work but its just feels so hard. I feel so alone in this. Its scary.
Tomorrow is 100 calories, should be very interesting eats I gather.


mags said...

I don't know what it is, but I have horrible short term memory. Sometimes I'll get into arguments and then forget in the middle of the argument what the argument was really about. I think it's also why I'm so off topic in my blogs.
So if there is a name for it, I have it too. I have to write things down or I'll forget, too. I feel your pain there.

Great job with the ABC! I have no idea why, but the 4th day is really hard for me. The 4th day for me is like a bridge--I crave like crazy that day, but if I can get past that day without falling for it then I'm pretty much set.

I bet you have an adorable daughter. I hope you have fun with her for Christmas. And I hope you get insurance. Best of luck to you <3

*Broken* said...

Good job with ABC, I couldn´t last a day I´ve been binging and purging for 2 daysnow...*sight*
How sweet of you to give presents, there´s nothing better than getting presents you don´t expect =)
Good luck tomorrow!

Dylphe said...

so awesome, you're so strong sticking to ABC. I've been failing lately but at least now i know it's the PMS hormones. not an excuse. but hey i'll get through it.
although you're gaining i'm sure you're jump starting your metabolism at the moment.
stay strong

Zwazzle said...

well done on sticking so well to ABC, and I hope you get your insurance soon (:

Mich said...

You just saved me a TON of money, mentioning that Target has lots of cheap Hello Kitty stuff. I was going to buy my cousin's xmas presents at the Sanrio shop, and everything in there costs a bomb. So thanks loads!!

Thanks for the comment, hun. Marie Antoinette was fabulous.

You're such a wonderful little mommy! I bet you're the sun and moon of your daughter's world. <3

Hope you have a lovely weekend!