Tuesday, December 14, 2010


Its 30 degrees outside, this weather is mental.
This is Miami for crying out loud, what is going on? How long is this stupid weather going to last?
My hands are numb and my stomach hurts. I'm so triggered today.
Yesterday was a bust, I thought I would be okay, that I wouldn't eat, instead my husband is called into work and I'm left alone with Mia all day.
I went ahead and cooked and did what I do best. I got in a half arsed workout-pitiful. I laxed and drank plenty of water. The lax did nothing, backfired. I am dehydrated and am now retaining water. My weight has not budged.
Now the cold and how annoying it is, especially for someone like me who can't warm up for shit. I hear that happens because the body has no fat, well someone needs to give my reflection that memo because I see fat everywhere.
My daughter is up and so is my husband who volunteers to take her to school. I always take her and now whenever he does, she acts out. She doesn't listen to him. I bundle her up really well for the outside, she argues that she is not cold, my husband tries to co parent and she really starts to get annoying and removes gloves and hat. The back and forth is driving me nuts.
Arguing and triggered and it wasn't even 8am yet.
The house is cold, the wall space heater is a thousand years old and only stays on for five minutes at a time. We need a heater, any kind of warmth in this house or I'm about to fall over dead.
My husband drops her off at school finally, he is trying to find a cheap heater. He comes back home with a very pissy disposition, he claims that everywhere he went there were no heaters. He was suppose to bring one last night, I told him about the spike in temperature and the week's forecast. He always comes home at midnight, straight home-I remember right before our first split he wouldn't come home. He'd stay out for the weekend entirely doing god knows what while I stayed at home with a baby. Now he doesn't do that anymore, he comes right home. I miss the old days..
 He claims to have driven around frantically looking for one, yet he was at home punctual as ever..
My chest hurts and the cold is too much for me. I'm in layers and shivering. I take countless showers throughout the day to stay warm for what seems like just mere minutes, before the cold saturates my bones to the marrow again.
I feel like crying, I'm stuck. I just wish I could go away, I can't believe I have to see this giant triggers face for the next two days.
He sits and watches TV.
I try my best not to cry in front of him, I hold what I can in like I always do. My head is throbbing and I've not had anything but pills in me. I'm suppose to start ABC with a good friend of mines today. She's also Mia and fed up as I am of constantly failing. This was our plan today, she's going through her own struggles right now, I don't know if by the end of the day we'll make it.
You know what though, I haven't eaten breakfast, all I've had so far today is a stick of gum. I feel like I don't deserve to eat at all today. Who knows, if I keep thinking this way then I might just not eat, I should just suffer. Look but don't touch. I'm warming up the leftovers from yesterday to heat the house up some. My husband claims that later on in the afternoon after my daughter comes back from school, we'll go hunt down a heater.
In the meantime I have to just bear this cold.
I wish I could go catch a movie or something, I would go see Black Swan.

If I had money I would leave. I don't mind being alone in a theater, I'm used to going solo on things.
A few hours away, no triggers and nothing but distractions.
Nope that won't happen for me. Instead today I'll continue to be cooped up in this house with this man who refuses to do a thing without me. A child to care for and inner turmoil to battle all alone.
Away how I wish I could get away from it all.
Let's see what the rest of the day has in store for me.


*Broken* said...

At least your husband is making an effort, right? I know you rather he never came home but it seems like he´s trying(a little too late but trying)
I hope your day goes better from now on and I hope you find a way to warm up(when i´m cold I drink tea and cofee all day long)
Take care sweetie

Dreams.and.Bones. said...

that sounds miserable, being stuck in a cold house full of triggers :( I hope the weather warms up and things get better soon.

The ABC sounds like a wonderful idea. Can I start with you tomorrow?

mags said...

I'm so sorry. I hope you can find warmth and that the weather heats up there. It's 3 degrees here right now, but I've also lived in snowy places my whole life. I imagine you being in Florida wouldn't be used to it + you've lost so much weight.
The good thing about being in the cold is that it burns calories as your body tries to regulate your temperature. I'm sorry you're so discomforted right now, and I hope you feel better.