Tuesday, December 7, 2010


So today I feel a little bit better.
I had 3 glasses of wine last night and slept like a rock. No hangover thank God!
One cigarette, well half of one, it was too cold on the balcony and I couldn't bring myself to stay outside another minute.
I'm thinking, have been thinking a lot since last night.
I wake up this morning and do the usual secretive routine in the dark. I shower and begin the day. Its too cold this morning or maybe its really nice outside but I'm just all wrong inside. My body can't handle the sensory overload.
I bundle up to the extreme, gloves and scarf in addition to the big furry jacket. My daughter wants to wear gloves like me, she loves that our gloves match in color.
She wants more of our clothing to match. I smile at this, I wish to never let let her down, how that would break my heart, to fail her as a mother.
The things I've been enduring just for her, just for us two to survive.
We rush to the car, the air is a bitter static, it stings.
I find a great parking spot at the school and I joke with her that we are going to out run the cold, is she ready to run?
She shakes her bundled little head yes and says she will win the race to the front entrance and that I will stay behind in the cold.
I take her up on that challenge.
We dash out of my little car and begin to make our way, my daughter is laughing and running, she is a fast one.
Other parents are giving us looks, one even smiled.
I don't care what they think, its little moments like this that I have with her that make me love being a mom.
Our private moments of fun.
She wins, (or maybe I let her..wink) and at the entrance is my crush, the poor cute man is freezing.
He smiles at us and says hello to my daughter, she smiles back and I say goodbye to her and send her off.
He and I give each other a silent farewell and I rush back to the car for temporary warmth.
I wanted to stop at the market for fruit but I'm not built for this weather, I'll put it off for tomorrow I suppose.
At home and in bed, I know working out is a must today but this cold grrr.

I'm not feeling as sick this morning so I wanted to take advantage.
Yesterday no b/p at all. The only thing I ate at all was one cookie, maybe 5 peanuts and one caramel candy my husband offered me during the school play.
I drank plenty of water throughout the day. Today was different.
I allowed myself a protein shake and a slice of cheese on a cracker. I want to eat today. Eat not throw it up. I need to get comfortable with food in me, I have to learn that some days its OK. Tuesday is that day. Today I will eat because for the rest of the week  I may feel differently seeing as how I'll be alone and unsupervised. A fridge full of food and plenty of time on my hands, looks like the breeding grounds for Mia.
So that was breakfast, I wish I had a banana but I'm all out.
Now in the afternoon after the workout and more water, I eat a baked potato and nuts.
This feeling of food in me is strange. I feel like I need to throw it up. The talk I give myself is a long one. I have to keep this food inside me, one day a week where something stays and nourishes me, where I can put back all the nutrients that I purge out. If I'm to survive this has to be the way, one day the idea is to maintain, stay at a a specific weight, be okay with eating meals.
Metabolism needs to stay up and eating is the only way that will happen I'm afraid.
I don't want to be plateaued at 109 for too long.


*Broken* said...

I´d love to be a mom one day and the way to talk about your dauther gives me more reasons =)
It´s hard to learn the food down when you´re so used to purge, it took me a long time to do it but i still stuggle with it.
I know you can do it sweetie

Dylphe said...

your strength is awesome. i'm happy you ate a little today without feeling to guilty.
stay strong