Wednesday, December 29, 2010

One more scar for you Lou..


Yesterday I did so good.
No b/p at all, I was so proud of myself, all I had was half a Power Ade Zero, Water and one Protein Shake (55cals)  before I worked out. I couldn't believe I did it. I actually had things on my list leftover to do still. I felt so alive. I did not binge till my stomach hurt, I did not have to be bent over a toilet bowl purging for minutes on end.
I was free for a whole day, I felt hopeful.
 The protein shake was for energy, I needed it if I was gonna work out.
I drank it and because protein takes so long to digest, it made me feel full for the rest of the day. I worked out and burned 700 cals.
I didn't lose anything but I didn't gain.

Today the day continued, woke up at 10 and my husband and I headed to Walmart. The car wouldn't start this morning, my battery was dead and needed replacing. On the drive to Walmart, I felt fatigued and weak; hubby suggested coffee to help me. I thought it was a brilliant suggestion.
So my day started off with coffee..

We went ahead and stopped by Movie Stop and racked up on plenty of oldies to watch later, the idea was to eat leftovers and watch movies.
We headed to Walmart and then on the drive home, I got the phone call.
My sister called me and told me my uncle was found on the bathroom floor unconscious, he was cold and not breathing...
The paramedics took him and worked on him.
I panicked and started to cry. My sister and I are the closest to my uncle. He's gone back and forth living with the both of us.
I was unsure if he died or not at that moment, the details were still sketchy. At home now and waiting on news from my sister, the paramedics took him to the hospital to work on him further was the last I heard; I was a wreck.
My husband took my daughter to the park, while I tried to calm down.
I went ahead and binged. Fast ruined.
During my purge, the phone was ringing, I missed the call.
I called my sister back and she broke the news.
He died..
We spoke for a minute, after the call ended I finished purging and jumped in the shower where I sobbed hysterically. A few minutes later my husband burst through the door concerned and I tell him the news.
My uncle who was the last tie to my father who passed himself in 1997; was gone.
I'm heartbroken. There are no words to describe this sadness I feel.
My sister is in Orlando, I am in Miami.
Four hours or so separate us.
Our sadness is equal as we were both the closest to him and will mourn him the hardest.
I have binged like you wouldn't believe. My husband understood. The only thing he asks, "Why do you want to do that for?"
It makes me feel better, I tell him.
He nods his head. He tells me he wishes I would slow down. That sometimes he fears that he will find me passed out naked in the bathroom-dead.
He wants me to deal with things in a better fashion.
I tell him my weight is all I have control over, everything else seems to be a giant waiting game, I feel like others have my fate in their hands.
He then wants to discuss our future, how we should stay together because I'm not well and I need looking after.
I tell him I chose to be miserable all by myself instead of staying in this marriage.
He looks mad now.
We avoid the argument by stopping the conversation all together. It works.
I want to b/p.
He indulges my cravings.
I'm allowed.
So here it is the rest of my night...

The last binge ends with Dunkin Donuts of all things

So now here I am, and guess what..
The treacherous scale says my weight has gone up to 112 of all things.
I don't know if that weight is accurate or not but I'm so numb right now, I don't care.
I can't stop crying, I miss my uncle and my sister.
I'm going to get really drunk right now. I don't know what will happen tomorrow. All I know is I'm fat and miserable, an ugly and horrible person. Bad things happen to me and good things slip through my fingers.
No one will ever love me and I guess I deserve that.
I'm a failure, I can't even lose 20lbs.


Jacqueline said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jacqueline said...

I'm very sorry about your uncle. I know that must be extremely difficult, and it's no wonder you feel a little out of control.

Sarah said...

Aw babe. I'm so sorry that this has happened!! It's not fair.
I know it seems like things are spinning out of control, but each day you will feel a little bit better. Hang in there. Eventually, things will seem normal again. You just have to stick in there.

Anonymous said...

you're not a horrible person and you most definitely do deserve to be loved. this is heartbreaking :(, i wish i could say something to comfort you. be safe

Mich said...

I'm so sorry, hun. You're not a horrible person at all. <3 There's no words for a loss like that; and "I'm sorry" definitely doesn't help with your pain. Hang in there. it will never not hurt at all, but in time the pain won't feel so raw and exposed. Keep in touch with your sister--even if you don't get a chance to actually see her, it will help to talk to her.


Cora said...

Oh love, you're so amazing. You aren't horrible at all. I love you, so many people do. I'm so sorry about your uncle. I wish I could make everything better for you. I want you to never feel this kind of pain. I wish I knew how to make this better, so much. Please try not to be too hard on yourself, and try to get some rest. We all love you, so much.


118 or bust! said...

I'm so sorry for your loss Lou.

Four hours is not too long, maybe a trip to Orlando is in the future?

*Broken* said...

I´m so sorry about byour uncle, it must be really hard for you.
But please don´t blame yourself for that.
Maybe your sister can visit you, or you can go over there so you don´t feel so alone with all this
We are here for you sweetie, always.