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Thursday, December 9, 2010

Accountable

                                                                                           Mood:Ambivalent
Weight 109lbs
Today has started differently and I love days like these.
I didn't take my daughter to school, my husband dragged himself out of the warm bed and volunteered.
I have been up since 6am regardless.
109 and plateaued, 109 and maintaining.
I workout,take supps and eat. Yes I said eat.
Banana and a Protein shake.
I get my daughter ready for school and I'm full of energy, the scolding hot shower has warmed me up some, and I begin to clean the house at 7am.
I get some chores done that I've been slacking off on. I feel good this morning, not really fussy about my weight. I want to lose these last lbs on my ticker don't get me wrong, but I'm trying to incorporate other things that matter too.
There's a whole life out there that I have to attend to that doesn't require a scale or numbers. I need to dedicate more time to that as well.
I make green tea today because I'm out of the capsules, as the tea is brewing I head to the bathroom and fix my hair, or rather what remains of my hair. Today my thinning short hair doesn't bother me. I think I'll try to keep this look up as much as I can, no more wigs or extensions for awhile. I need to face what I really look like in the mirror. My face is real thin today, clear though, not a blemish in sight. I'm a little bit pale, but I'm guessing its on account of the weather.
My daughter is taken to school and I'm left at home to ponder what my day will be like. Do I continue to eat today knowing a gain may happen, one pound or two. I do exercise, I can burn it off. I don't look obese, 1 or 2 lbs won't really kill me.
I think I want to start a food journal. I've never had one before. I don't know how to start one exactly but my best guess is to just be completely honest and write down everything that I eat on paper. The things that I allow myself to digest. I eat some more..



So here we go, day one of a food journal.
Calories consumed so far for today 376 calories. The number jumps out at me from the white piece of paper I've scribbled on. How do I feel about it?
First I can't believe how fast things add up, how the safest, smallest, most trivial of things I put in my mouth could sum up to that already..
Its not a bad number per say, and I'm not hungry. The things I've eaten were low in calories and healthy, its not like I ate fast food or a donut.
I want to keep at this, really commit to writing it all down, understand the science of losing weight. Maintain?
Get used to the idea that I must maintain once whatever amount of weight is gone. I can't keep going like this forever, I'm not getting any younger, and my health will just keep going downhill if I don't stop this Bulimia.
I appreciate all the concern and comments. Good or bad I take it all in.
 I have people that tell me to stop, others that encourage, some that are curious and most that are just spectators. At the end of the day though, there is only one person's opinion that matters and that is my own. I have to lead this life and make it work above all. I have a chance very soon to start all over again. The scenario will be scary, it will just be me, my mistakes and victories. I won't have anyone else to blame if things go sour. I need to be ready to handle that. I need to be accountable.
Let's start with what governs me now, numbers.
I'll work out later and I know I'll burn more than what my intake is. I don't know if it will make a difference or not, but maybe this will lead me to better behavior. Maybe this will slow me down, or maybe it will help me lose quicker?
I need more control over triggers too. I can't help my husband, he's always there (for the time being) and his verbal abuse, manipulation and enabling are always going to be a trigger for me. I can avoid and try my hardest to fight the other ones. Certain people that hurt me, certain situations that cause conflict. Today is the day to test the waters.
So far my mood is fine, I'm not thinking about b/p and I've managed to keep whatever I've eaten in me. There's been a trigger already but I think if I ignore it for the rest of the week then I'll be OK. I'll ignore it all day and hope the following days will be as easy. I want this positivity to last. I know if I feel good then good things will follow, sometimes the negativity does nothing and only hinders progress, you're stressed and so is your body, how can you lose any kind of weight like that?
No more. Time to be accountable for what happens to me, I can't keep blaming others or letting what they do or don't do, what's meant to happen or doesn't affect me. I have to be patient for some things and go out there and seize the rest.





I will be her one day..

4 comments:

*Broken* said...

I´m fighting triggers myself and finding it hard but I know you are stronger.
It´s very mature what you wrote and I think food journals are really good, I´ve been keeping them for years now.
Take care darling
xx

mags said...

You have inspired me. Maybe it's because you're juggling all of this with your daughter and ball and chain. But right now there's two blogs I feel like I always have to read a post of, and this is one of them.
You've lost weight so fast. I don't want to take up these eating habits again, but I am tempted. I won't, but it sounds so nice to have so much control over my size again.
Keep blogging, please. I love it.

Anonymous said...

you're the shit gurl..
I would kill for youre willpower!
please keep blogging

Dylphe said...

so happy for you. stay positive and attract positive things to you.
oh and my daughter has a cold but she's back to her usually crazy self.
stay strong