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Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Mourn

                                                                                        Mood:Sad
I'm so miserable.
My weight is 112lbs. I'm a huge failure.
I'm binging right now by the way, more fuel for the fire.
Yesterday, I got drunk, I didn't sleep either.
My husband and I got into a huge fight. He told me about an affair he had, he said he cheated on me cause I was fat after I had my daughter. I'd cheat on me too.
It happened awhile back, but it still hurt me. My ego is bruised. I'm replaceable and easily disregarded. We fought about everything last night. He and I both drunk. He said I would be nothing without him, that he will be okay, but when I leave him, I'll be nothing. He says he won't take me back. He says I am ruining my daughter.
He said so many things all I could do was cry, I'm in mourning and I can't just be in the moment, he made the night about him.
I feel heartbroken today. I can't stop crying, my eyes are so swollen. I'm stuck in Miami and no plans have been made yet for my uncle, there is no money to bury him, my poor sister is scrambling around trying to find a solution. I've FaceBook relatives for my uncle, his sister was finally found and responded, she may be able to help.
My nephews who found him are devastated and traumatized. We are all in an upheaval. My daughter starts school soon and I hope plans are made before then
I'd like her to go with me, but if she can't then I'll go at it alone.
I'm really dehydrated today, my chest hurts and I have that tingly feeling all over my body. I think the alcohol got me good last night.
I drank a little bit of water and some PowerAde but the truth is I just don't care.
My uncle was the only person who called me everyday and always asked me how I was doing. I'm never going to get another phone call like that again.
I can't stop crying, this post may have typos, I can't even see the keys on the computer right now.
Thank you for the lovely comments, you all are so sweet. They mean a lot to me.
This day has been so quiet. I've cleaned the house and managed to throw clothes on, I look awful.
My husband has managed to stay pretty quiet too. I can't even look him in the eye. I have so much on my plate, I feel so lost. 2011 is scary now. I'm scared to lose more, what else can go wrong?
Dear God please, I need some attention right now. I don't know how much I can take.
I just want some normal to return back into my life, I feel like its one drama after the next.

"He who has felt the deepest grief is best able to experience supreme happiness." –Alexandre Dumas

Please be true..
I need to believe that something good is coming for me. I need to not give up entirely on myself just yet.
I'm not looking to purging, I'm eating tons of bread-ouch. The bathroom is cold too, dam.
I need to make myself workout today, I feel like I want to keep drinking. I think I will, I have two more bottles of wine stashed away.
I really want a cigarette too.
I'd give my left boob right now for some cookies or apple pie. I have no money at all. Plenty of lint in my pocket though.
Dammit, I can't believe I'm gaining now.
I don't know how to get this weight off!
Maybe diet pills again..they are so dam expensive. I need something to just push me into the 90's.
I'm not giving up. This weight will come off, it has to. I have to be able do something right for once, follow through. Finish what I started.
Okay getting full now.
Going to purge and then workout, shower and get drunk. Plenty of crying in between.
There may be a drunk post tonight-stay tuned.

The best uncle in the World..

R.I.P
Jose "Macho" Morales
3/19/42-12/28/10



                                       




3 comments:

Charlie said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. Losing someone really fucking sucks.
Sorry I can't say that more eloquently... I feel like saying something like that in big fancy words rips all the emotion out. Profanity brings it back.
But that's just me.

You are strong. You are so strong it kills me, and you will get through this alive.
I hate it when people say, "Everything happens for a reason," and I haven't had much cause to believe it. So I won't say that to you.
But, and I don't know if this will help any, please believe that your uncle is somewhere now where nothing is evil or wrong, like in the world we live in. Wherever he is, it's somewhere happy and free of pain.

<3

Dylphe said...

He looks incredibly kind. I wish i had some magic words. And that I could do something for you to help out.
I hope you can make it down to orlando. As sad as the occasion is I think getting out for a short time will be good.
You husband is an insensitive fuck, he sees what you're doing to yourself and still tells you he cheated on you because you were fat, that fucker you brought a beautiful child into this world. I could choke him for that.
Hold onto your strength and here's some of mine...
MUAH

the word verification says perge...irony

Linda Pochinda said...

It's not possible to describe my feelings while reading this post.
I'll try i guess...
I'm sorry for your loss, I'm so sorry that your husband cheated on you - which I'd like to add something too. "I'd cheat on me too" why? Don't feel like there's something wrong with you! you did nothing wrong. He cheated on you because you became fat of having a child? his child? It's your daughter for gods sake! You did nothing wrong. You made a beautiful little girl come to this world and he cheats on you? In my eyes.. he's the yerk here! anyway.. I should not judge anything without knowing everything about it but I just... i'm just... mad i guess.
I can't do anything else than wish you all luck. I wish that you'll get better. I hope you'll stay strong and keep your head held high.
may all luck be with you!
happy new year!

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