Saturday, December 18, 2010

Stressful Saturday continues

So today is a bust.
My daughter is really sick, she's throwing up and has diarrhea. I don't know if its a stomach virus or not, I'm just hoping we don't end up in the E.R tonight.
I've b/p countless times, I can't even tell you the number cause I just don't know?
Today has been overwhelming.
I've been cleaning up someone Else's vomit for a change. I'm tired, cold and sleepy. I just want to lay down in the warm bed and sleep. I can't of course, my daughter will be up the whole night like this. She can't seem to keep anything down. I'm sure my house and I reek of vomit, but the sad thing is I'm so accustomed to it, I can't smell a thing.

I'm laxing again tonight, gonna up the dose see if that helps.
I don't know what tomorrow will be like, so far ABC has been an experience to say the least.
Maybe I'll pick up where I left off, I'm not sure. Right now I just want to get through this long night ahead, a sick six year old and a lot of lax..
I don't understand why I gained so much doing this, maybe my period is coming on, maybe I really am dehydrated. It could be anything, either way I think I need to lose all this first before I go any further.
I'm not saying no to restricting, I'll do this again, maybe in a different fashion, something that isn't too constricting and precise. I think I need to work my way there instead of jumping in full on. I'm still bound to Mia firmly, thinking I could just stop cold turkey was foolish. There has to be another way, something I can do, maybe its just a mindset after all. Maybe deep down I have to really want to stop. Going to need to think about this and find a willpower that I've never had before.
I feel like such a failure, I get so triggered and end up punishing myself instead of just feeling and working out the problem. I want to change this way of thinking
I'm so tired.
I need a break, someone else please feel free to take the wheel, I can't drive this freight anymore. Eyelids are getting heavy and the black paved asphalt is too dark for me.


Lacey said...

Probably not the best day to say hi for the first time....

Hi! I'm sorry your day is an overwhelming shitpile. I hope your daughter feels better soon. I like your blog; your writing is simple and relateable.


starvingartist said...

I really hope your daughter gets well soon and I hope you find a way to efficiently lose the weight that you want to. I also hope you find a way to deal with your triggers.

Can't say I've done too much binge/purge. Mostly restricting. I have no idea why you would gain weight from the ABC. I guess everybody's body is truly very different from the next guy's.

The best of luck to you Lou. I really hope you find some answers. Hopefully in a less stress-filled kind of way.

Dylphe said...

aww i hope your daughter feels better soon. stomach anything with kids suck. i don't even know how many times i've caught my daughters vomit in my hands so it wouldn't go all over the floor or bed. i'll have to give mia the points on that one. a hurling kid's vomit on your body is just not gross anymore (not even looking back on it), nor is the smell.
i'm sorry you fell back into the cycle. i know you tried so hard to leave. we'll make it one day.

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