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Friday, December 10, 2010

Re-Learn

                                                                                            Mood:Calm

So yesterday was a bust, I ended up b/p 2x.
I'm not too down on myself though, I try to forgive myself for caving now, I can't continue to be my worst enemy.
Today is Friday and I'm thinking I should just finish the week, I'll be alone and the weekends always involve a lot of cooking since my daughter is home all day.
Monday I may try a different approach, who knows I never like to think far ahead.
Last night around midnight, I was asleep in bed and my husband is back from work. He has brought me soup and bread sticks from the Olive Garden. Gnocchi soup to be exact. He shakes me lightly to let me know he's home and has food for me. He starts to feel me up, not in a sexual way, its a probing. I'm not asleep, I was but I'm a lite sleeper unfortunately, I lay still and even though its dark and I can't see his face, his hands give away his expression.
I'm laying on my back with my arms tucked behind my head, this means my skin is stretched and laying down in this position means bones are protruding. He feels the hipbones, and then my ribs. He feels my arms and face. He strokes my cheeks to wake me up. I can't stand any further touching so I pretend that he has disturbed my slumber.
"I brought that soup you like, do you want to eat some now?" he whispers to me in the pitch dark room.
I decline of course, I tell him its too late to eat, which it is really.
Tomorrow I'll eat..
He says OK.
I lay quietly in the bed and start to think random thoughts, I start to think about death. How sad, you're here one minute and then you're not. I start thinking about all the people I've known who have died. The cold room is just fueling my eerie train of thought.
 I could easily die in my sleep, my heart could just say I've had enough. I put so much strain on it with all the purging and exercise. My husband could come home and find me stiff in the bed. This scenario is possible, sometimes I think the way I'll go is a heart attack, but its not always the way we envision things that make them so.
I'm not rail thin, if I am, I don't see it. I still see problem areas to work on. You don't have to look sick, you could look fine and have your insides falling apart. I feel great to be honest, healthy despite the cold I can't shake off on some days. I'm not even dizzy anymore, I don't think I'm dehydrated, I've been drinking liquids again and I go to the bathroom alot now. I've slowed down on the lax too. I'm eating in the mornings now and I try to put back as much as I can that I've purged out. Does this mean I'm in the free and clear?
No. I can't be that naive.
I'd like really to just restrict, but its hard you know. You start off with this breakfast and you jog it down in your journal, you feel good and safe.



Something happens though and it all turns to mush. Where did the control go?
How can you stop a binge from happening, really stop it.
I'm trying to learn how to do that, its a hard lesson but I know if I keep at it I'll succeed. Things aren't learned overnight, trial and error are allowed.
There will be some days when I can fast just fine, and then there will be days where the urge will be too much, I have to just take it one day at a time.
Today feels like a cave day, I won't lie.
I'll get stuck in that loop and make all kind of excuses for why I should b/p. Small changes are being made though, there is progress compared to a few months back where I was even binge drinking. Sure no food, but wine; I was drinking almost every night. I can let go and relearn, its just a matter of self control, retraining. Priorities first.
Bottom line I feel good, I'm not dizzy and even though I put a pitiful amount of calories in me every morning-this morning 212 calories so far..
I know that its something, I'm not completely starving myself, there is some coal in the furnace to run this train awhile longer. I'm not derailed yet.
I'll get that control back, that willpower that says no you don't need to eat that, or better yet that's enough, set it down and walk away.
A system must be devised and then proper follow through.
The goal is to be rid of Mia, that will always come first. Lose and one day maintain without the extreme and severe complications that she brings. This is not a diet after all, this is me surviving. I'm taking this one day at at time.

3 comments:

danae said...

i can totally relate with fasting a binging. when you figure out how to stop a binge don't forget to let me know :)
xx

mags said...

binging and purging definitely has its drawbacks.
I hope you find a sufficient way to fight it.

*Broken* said...

I´m glad you´re not being so hard on yourself, it´s a great start.
I´m trying to get rid of Mia too...but still can´t figure out how...
You are skinny, you just can´t see it sweetie.
Take care
xx