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Thursday, September 16, 2010

Cravings

                                                                                               Mood:Sad
Grrr...
My intake for today was 345 calories..
The food had no taste, no smell. It was just something to scarf down.
I didn't really want it. I did it to not give into the b/p cycle. I'm working out later to get rid of it all. I want to take a lax tonight but it won't really help much. Its already inside, the calories and the fat are getting stored. I hate that this craving is back. That tomorrow I may not be this strong, I will be all alone again. Me left to my own devices is not a good thing.
I'm on meds and I can't take my OEP (diet pill), I don't know how they would interact together, I don't want to take that chance.
I need to get this bleeding under control. Maybe I'll even drop a pound or two once it does stop and my body stabalizes.
Triggers are all around me today. I hate this sadness that I feel, all the depression building up behind it. I don't want it to take over me, finish off the little bit of personality I have left. I hate being reminded of the past week, and just a few minutes ago the past decided to say hello. I should be over it already. I should be stronger than this-I should.
I'm not, not yet.
I'm keeping this small meal down and I don't feel so dizzy today. No headache so far. These small things should make me happy but they don't. Nothing makes me happy anymore. I'm still at 144 today, it irks me. My husband is off today and lingering aroung the house, he is a trigger, he makes it so easy for me to just give into the cycle. I think i'll give up soon, I can feel it. The confidence I had the other day is dwindling, the high is wearing off. I need something to make me feel better, and the purging usually does, its a love hate relationship. As are all of the relationships in my life.
I don't know how to do this? I don't know if I'll ever be able to function among the living again. Knowing that I'm not alone in this helps. Its nice to have others to talk to about this that are going through it day by day. My heart and little bit of strenght goes out to them that they can succeed too. Its Thursday, I'm having lunch with an old friend this weekend-lunch...She's just found out about this and I know she's concerned, and maybe I'll get that scolding I wanted yesterday in my moment of panic. I just don't know what to say about it, if I had a tail it would be in between my legs. The shame and the Ed go hand in hand. Little by little others that are close to me will find out about this, more family members too I suspect, I'm sure I'll just be a joke to them all. The crazy girl, it runs in her family remember..she's finally snapped. I don't want pity, and I don't care if you do or don't understand, at the end of the day it is my reflection that stares back at me. Its me that I am left with. My head runs months ahead for a moment, I usually don't think this way, I live day by day because that is all I have. I start to think about more lunch dates, holidays, birthday parties-food, food, food.
The not eating part is just fine with me, others not so much. I've known drunks, drug addicts, liars, cheaters, and one sided friendships. Now I've never said to any of them stop it, change, don't do that or do..will they return the same courtesy? Will my Ed be considered just another deadly addiction?
I hate this craving, I've gnawed at these fingernails of mine already..I should just take up smoking again full time. I don't want to give in-I hate it. I know once I'll do I will feel both joy and relief..later I will feel the guilt.
If I can just get through today. One more day with Mia off my back. Great here comes the headache.
Sometimes all of the aches and pain go away once I purge. My body wants it. I won't give in today, no. I'll focus on Thinspro and the food Pyramid and I'll be golden..today anyways.

1 comments:

AKA 'Krystal' said...

good job staying strong hn! its another day and its almost over! we have both pulled through - a mall step for us woman kind!