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Thursday, September 30, 2010

OverWhelmed

                                                                                            Mood:Pissed
Good Morning to you all..
First Let's discuss Master Cleanse results from yesterday.
Today's weight 134lbs. Another one down, no b/p session at all.
Took a lax last night though.
The new batch I made yesterday was better than the day's before. I was able to get the 8 cups down fairly quickly throughout the day. Had tea and worked out.
Supps and OEP in the morning.
Headache was fairly tolerable, had to drink water as per recommended in the cleansing process to eliminate further toxins from the body.
Yesterday was better. I know what to expect now from this. I think I can safely continue.
Now, triggers galore yesterday! Mia is not happy to be kicked to the curb.
What I wouldn't give to have just caved completely yesterday, but didn't and more importantly couldn't.
Husband was off and around..had zero time to myself, had two shadows, three if you count my daughter, five if you wanna add the cats.
There was an argument in the morning, the same two arguments we always have. The first of course is the matter of the insurance, now he's saying middle of October, possibly end of October? I finally gave up and said, look forget it.
I give up honestly I do. I'm done. I've never been the begging type before, its beneath me, I have too much pride.
I will live with this or die from it, simple as that. I can only make myself happy, and I don't trust anyone else. Everyone I know is a liar in some shape or form.
So this is me declaring Fuck you to myself and let's keep going and see how far I can beat this dead horse to the finish line.
The second argument, my attitude.
I obviously am not a delight to be around lately, I can only fake it for so long. I'm tired and mean. I feel like a failure at times, I'm always hard on myself because that's what it takes to succeed.
So of course the inevitable what's wrong with you, what's with the face conversation always surface.
What's wrong with me? hmm maybe some therapy could help?
Oh I forgot, that's not important to sane people.
That's past now as far as I'm concerned. He can keep his "helpful" nature.
So yea, I wanted to just b/p my ass off yesterday.
Instead was trapped in a room watching benign movies all afternoon, playing up the I'm okay role.
Today's loss isn't even joyful, made the mistake of taking two OEP, I forgot just how strong they are. I was wired to say the least.
Had low blood sugar this morning, bad, bad case of the shakes, the panic attack followed. Orange juice to settle me down.
I don't have the luxury of feeling sick today, tomorrow at 8am I have to be out of my place, they are putting a tent up and fumigating. I have to get all these ducks in a row. I have to stay in a hotel for three days. No Internet or cable.
Oh joy!!
Oh another thing, have huge zit on my chin..well the toxins are being removed from my body so this is expected. What wasn't expected was that this miracle drink has taken my period away! Thank god!!
I was already dreading another visit to the gyno followed by the ultrasound and prescribed hormones. All that of course with no insurance to boot.
So thank you spicy lemonade, take it away forever if you like, no complaints here. The rest of the day looks to be long and tedious, at least its nice outside today at 77 degrees. Makes the toil under the sun not so dreadful.
Super lazy today, I don't want to a thing and feeling like suddenly there isn't enough time to do anything. I'll be out of commission for three days, maybe Sunday night if I'm lucky I can go ahead and post the rest of MC results. I'm hoping for more loss and no signs of Mia.
Well let me go ahead and get this show on the road, have packing to do and pictures to take, hope none of these fumigators get cute and ransack the place..
Grr!!

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